A whole lot of things in this world don’t make sense to me. I don’t know why we can’t accurately predict the weather yet, I’m not totally sure how microwaves work, Calculus has always been somewhat of a weakness.
The Vagina can be pretty tricky if you catch it on a bad day.
But of all the things in this world that I don’t completely understand, nothing is quite as confusing as the continuing career of actor/forehead-monster Nicolas Cage, [pictured right just minutes after molesting an eleven year old]. I mean, the guy’s got six movies coming out in the next two years despite the fact that he’s fairly talent-less, incredibly unattractive and remarkably unlikable. Sure, he’s Francis Ford Coppola’s son or nephew or whatever, but that shouldn’t mean he gets to be Ghost Rider, right? Right!? There is no justice in this world.
Well, despite what some Cracked Bloggers might lead you to believe, there is some justice in this world as, earlier this week, Nicolas “The White Wesley Snipes” Cage was accused of tax fraud. Apparently, he used his production company to “wrongly write off $3.3 million in personal expenses” and, a few years before that, “made a shitty movie about face-swapping.”

In an effort to let the “actor” clear the air and reveal his side of the story, I drove past Cage’s house early this morning and pooped in his mailbox. Will he go to jail? Or will he, like Mr. Snipes, beat the charges and make a Bowflex commercial? Time will tell.

Stay tuned after the jump for everyone’s favorite segment….

(more…)

HealthDay News reports that, according to a recent study, 82 children have died from playing “the choking game” since 1995. If you don’t know how to play the game, then you probably just don’t understand what the word “choking” means. You may have heard of The Choking Game by one of its other names, “blackout game,” “pass out game,” “scarf game,” or “space monkey,” (seriously).

In an effort to achieve a euphoric state, a bunch of kids sit around choking each other all day, just like a bunch of space monkeys, evidently, and some of them, for some reason, die.

You know, I was once a kid and I, miraculously, managed to entertain myself and not choke to death at the same time, and I didn’t even have some of the new-fangled toys the kids are playing with these days, (tamagatchis?). Do I think our children are getting dumber? Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes I do, very much so.

The article goes on to say that 93% of the victims’ parents had no idea this game was being played. First of all, what the fuck, Other-Seven-Percent? Second of all, maybe the problem is just that no one is aware of this Space Monkey phenomenon and, as a respected journalist, it is my duty to spread the word about this very serious, totally retarded problem.

Moving on to what I’m sure will be a recurring feature, I bring you:

This Week in Hating Hannah Montana:

Watchdog and buzz killer Consumer Reports are chastising that bitch who plays Hannah Montana for setting a bad example by failing to wear a seatbelt in her new, freedom-hating, orphan-punching movie, Hannah Montana and the Six Ways to Drown a Puppy. Consumer Reports stated that
“It seems to us that Miley, her father, and Disney had a perfect opportunity to help influence teens and counteract-rather than encourage-this trend.”
You know who else didn’t wear seatbelts? It was the Nazis. The Nazis didn’t wear seatbelts. Everyone knows that; it was one of the few holes in their otherwise airtight military strategy. We, (the Cracked audience and someday, God willing, the world,) are watching you, Montana.

PS Did you guys hear Hannah Montana invented Space Monkey? True story.

Cracked readers, fellow bloggers, America: I’m a simple man with just a few, simple ambitions. Some of these ambitions, I’ve had to give up, and some I still keep in my heart. For one thing, I’d like to take Danica McKellar on a date. One date, probably to the Olive Garden, whenever she wants between now and the day I die. Additionally, I wouldn’t mind owning a robot that could help straighten up my apartment but that also knew when and how to party.
I want to punch Nicolas Cage in his face at least once and I’d like to be friends with 50 Cent.

Also, several (several) years ago, my only goal in life was to be the man to take Lindsay Lohan’s virginity. That ship, unfortunately, has sailed. Sailed, docked, sailed again, made Herbie: Fully Loaded, checked into rehab, did some more sailing, and I have no doubt that this ship will eventually do porn so as to remain in the public spotlight, or perhaps just to feel something. My friends, when I learned I would never take Lindsay Lohan’s virginity -when I discovered that I would never treat her to a Freaky Friday and a predictably Disappointing and Awkward Saturday Morning- well, I was crushed. I was crushed because that was a goal, a dream, that I had to abandon.
My final and most important ambition in life is to develop a very public feud with the bitch that plays Hannah Montana and expose her for the monster she is and this is one ambition I will not give up on.

Last weekend, Hannah Montana’s movie, Hannah Montana Hates Freedom, was number one in the box office taking in over thirty million dollars in just three days and also set the record for having the highest per-screen average ever. So impressive was this weekend, in fact, that Hannah Montana actually “stole headlines away from one of the most memorable upsets in the history of the National Football League”. Got that? We’re basically saying to the rest of the world that Hannah Montana is more important to America than the Super Bowl and Rambo. Is that the kind of image that we want to present?

Granted, I’m not totally sure I know what it is that Hannah Montana actually does. I’ve never seen her program and all I know about her is based on what I read about her in Mein Kampf. What I do know is that this is too much power for any one person to have. My friends, we have to take America back from Hannah Montana. By the time she turns 18, she’ll already be a billionaire and it’ll be too late to stop her.

Now, am I advocating that you help destroy her career by spreading around a bunch of vicious rumors? Rumors, for example, like “Hannah Montana says she won’t rest until abortions are taught in every school”? No, of course not. I mean, just because I heard somewhere that Hannah Montana wishes time travel existed just so she could go back and microwave the Baby Jesus, doesn’t mean you should call your local news station immediately…But it does make you think.