Cracked readers, fellow bloggers, America: I’m a simple man with just a few, simple ambitions. Some of these ambitions, I’ve had to give up, and some I still keep in my heart. For one thing, I’d like to take Danica McKellar on a date. One date, probably to the Olive Garden, whenever she wants between now and the day I die. Additionally, I wouldn’t mind owning a robot that could help straighten up my apartment but that also knew when and how to party.
I want to punch Nicolas Cage in his face at least once and I’d like to be friends with 50 Cent.

Also, several (several) years ago, my only goal in life was to be the man to take Lindsay Lohan’s virginity. That ship, unfortunately, has sailed. Sailed, docked, sailed again, made Herbie: Fully Loaded, checked into rehab, did some more sailing, and I have no doubt that this ship will eventually do porn so as to remain in the public spotlight, or perhaps just to feel something. My friends, when I learned I would never take Lindsay Lohan’s virginity -when I discovered that I would never treat her to a Freaky Friday and a predictably Disappointing and Awkward Saturday Morning- well, I was crushed. I was crushed because that was a goal, a dream, that I had to abandon.
My final and most important ambition in life is to develop a very public feud with the bitch that plays Hannah Montana and expose her for the monster she is and this is one ambition I will not give up on.

Last weekend, Hannah Montana’s movie, Hannah Montana Hates Freedom, was number one in the box office taking in over thirty million dollars in just three days and also set the record for having the highest per-screen average ever. So impressive was this weekend, in fact, that Hannah Montana actually “stole headlines away from one of the most memorable upsets in the history of the National Football League”. Got that? We’re basically saying to the rest of the world that Hannah Montana is more important to America than the Super Bowl and Rambo. Is that the kind of image that we want to present?

Granted, I’m not totally sure I know what it is that Hannah Montana actually does. I’ve never seen her program and all I know about her is based on what I read about her in Mein Kampf. What I do know is that this is too much power for any one person to have. My friends, we have to take America back from Hannah Montana. By the time she turns 18, she’ll already be a billionaire and it’ll be too late to stop her.

Now, am I advocating that you help destroy her career by spreading around a bunch of vicious rumors? Rumors, for example, like “Hannah Montana says she won’t rest until abortions are taught in every school”? No, of course not. I mean, just because I heard somewhere that Hannah Montana wishes time travel existed just so she could go back and microwave the Baby Jesus, doesn’t mean you should call your local news station immediately…But it does make you think.

While Ross and I only included one Salesgenie.com commercial in our rundown of the lamest Super Bowl ads, I think it’s fair to say that all three ads the company produced could have by rights made the cut. They were stupid, borderline racist, and apparently entirely intentional. Turns out the company’s strategy was to make the worst commercials possible, thereby GUARANTEEING that every lame Internet blogger would highlight them in the coming weeks (as I’m doing now. Congratulations Sales Genie, you’re geniuses).

But that’s not the whole story. Shockingly, the ads that aired were actually watered down versions of CEO Vinod Gupta’s original scripts. Those preliminary scripts were recorded, and although they were ultimately deemed too offensive to run, my vast network of resources has located the lost commercials, presented for your displeasure now:

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When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes intentionally offensive videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

THRILLER - PEPSI COLA

Swaim: Thriller references never go out of style. Didn’t you see that YouTube video of those prisoners? Come to think of it, this commercial would have been better with a bunch of dancing CG Malaysian prisoners.

Wolinsky: Malaysian prisoners are inherently more entertaining than CG lizards. Don’t they teach that in advertising school?

Swaim: I think the implication here is that drinking Life Water can actually raise the dead.

Wolinsky: Bullshit. This was clearly the product of a cocaine-fueled brainstorming session. By 6:30 a.m. all they had on the whiteboard was “PEOPLE LIKE: 1.) Chicks 2.) CG Lizards 3.) Zombies.” They might be right, but this is still a conceptual nightmare.

Wolinsky: Also, why isn’t the CHICK a zombie?

Swaim: The lizard would have to bite her for that to happen, and lizard zombies are only attracted to lizard brains. I’m expecting some fanfic on this.

Wolinsky: Yeah, well, there’s no shortage of fan fiction… for THINGS THAT SUCK.

SPOT ON - GODADDY.COM

Swaim: To my knowledge, this is the first ever superbowl ad to go meta. If you won’t get behind something as fresh and groundbreaking as that, at least get behind the promise of pornography at the end.

Wolinsky: I can get behind the promise of internet pornography, but I’m more into dated pop culture references to “wardrobe malfunctions.”

Swaim: Sigh. Just watched the linked video at GoDaddy.com. No porn. But I DID find wider exposure and a great webspace at rock bottom pricing!

Wolinsky: Classic bait-and-switch. They reel you in with the porn, then they sell you a great hosting package.

Swaim: This is so exciting that I’m going to huddle around the computer with eight or nine of my closest friends, faces nearly touching, to read about it.

Wolinsky: Will it be an ethnically-diverse group of both males AND females? Oh, wait - these people are all white.

Swaim: Yeah, but at least they’ve got the lesbian demographic going. One step at a time, Ross. Next you’ll be wanting black people to fly.

Wolinsky: Let’s not get carried away.

(more…)

What happens when two Cracked bloggers–one irrepressibly chipper and optimistic, the other a bitter, hollow, withered husk of a man (that one’s Ross)–are locked into a chat session without anything to sustain them but the ten worst commercials to air during Super Bowl XLII? Read on, and you just may find the answer.

BUD LIGHT—FLIGHT Ross Wolinsky: The message here seems to be “black people can’t fly.”

Michael Swaim: You’ve got it all wrong. They can fly, but the white man keeps them “down,” both in the figurative and, here, literal sense. It’s a symbolic call to revolution that I think is long overdue.

Ross Wolinsky: Are you implying that it was a white man flying the plane that almost killed him?

Michael Swaim: The plane itself was white, and I think that says something.

Ross Wolinsky: I’ll concede one thing: the guy looks great in that suit.

Michael Swaim: On a positive note, with Hancock coming out, I think we’re finally reaching a place where society is ready to talk about flying black people. It’s about damn time if you ask me.

Ross Wolinsky: You’re just overcompensating to not seem racist.

Michael Swaim: Look, talk all you want, but when you’re the first one snatched by the Airborne Brotherhood of Namibia, don’t come crying to me.

DORITOS—KINA GRANNIS Ross Wolinsky: I don’t even know what this is. Do they want me to buy a Kina Grannis mp3 or a bag of Doritos?

Michael Swaim: BOTH! And how can you not like this?! AMERICA CHOSE IT! It’s the definition of Democracy. Are you against Democracy, Ross?

Ross Wolinsky: Here’s the thing: I LOVE the song (bought it WAY before the Super Bowl), I LOVE Democracy, and I REALLY LOVE Doritos. Too much of a good thing?

Michael Swaim: Only if you try and exercise all three at once. Nothing kills my voting buzz like going into the booth and finding nacho cheese powder everywhere.

Michael Swaim: Hey, have you noticed that “Kina Grannis” sounds an awful lot like “kinda badass?”

Ross Wolinsky: If I bought every product that SOUNDED like something cool, I’d have WAY too many products, Swaim. C’mon - you know this commercial sucks.

Michael Swaim: What I know is between me and my heart.

Ross Wolinsky: Liar.

(more…)