Home > Blog > » Starpulse

Starpulse on The Cracked Blog

Starpulse And Wide Open Ass???!!!

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

I’ve often blogged about my disdain for Starpulse.com. They like to create a four sentence story from one Associated Press celebrity quote, and give it a pun-laden headline that almost always incorrectly summarizes the content. So, for example, Tom Hanks might tell reporters at a movie premiere that he was late to the event because he was stuck in traffic and they’ll dress it up like this:

Life in the Slow Lane for Hanks?

Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks almost missed the LA premiere of The Golden Compass last night, blaming traffic conditions. Some had speculated that the star of Forrest Gump and The Green Mile might not make it to the event, but Hanks ultimately showed.

“Sorry, I was stuck in traffic,” Hanks told reporters as fans looked on from behind the velvet rope.

Hanks was accompanied to the event by his wife Rita Wilson.

But lately, it seems there’s a new Starpulse in town. They’re trying to feature more in-depth articles, and, bless their hearts, the results are adorable. No, wait. Not adorable. I mean maddeningly inept.

Like this latest gem: a feature they like to call They’re Related?!

Please note that the question mark and exclamation mark are Starpulse’s, not mine. The average English-speaking reader would be expecting an article about secret or unknown family relationships between people in Hollywood. Something to justify the use of such wacky punctuation. Right? I’m sorry, I mean Right?!

But that’s where you’d be so very wrong. Because I shit you not, these are the three secret Hollywood relations that Starpulse has uncovered:

  • Ron Howard and Clint Howard.
  • Dennis Quaid and Randy Quaid.
  • Sylvester Stallone and Frank Stallone.

Yarp. They profiled three brothers ALL OF WHOM HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME! I’m sorry. I don’t really have a joke here, but HOLY CRAP that doesn’t even qualify as phoning it in. Did anyone NOT know these guys were related? I was expecting something a tiny bit less obvious like Nicolas Cage and Francis Ford Coppola or Jason Schwartzman and Talia Shire, but this? But this?!

In any event, I’m so disgusted with Starpulse that I will continue to link my posts to them only about 80-85% of the time. I’m sorry, I just feel that strongly about it.

Posted in Starpulse | 25 Comments »

New Police Album! (If You Can Only Read Headlines)

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

I guess I should know better than to rely on anything I read in Starpulse, but what can I say? One of their catchy headlines got me again:

THE POLICE CONSIDER FIRST ALBUM SINCE 1983’s ‘SYNCHRONICITY’

Now that would be news. I mean, I took a pass on the recent Police shows because reunion tours are for old ladies and prepubescents, but original material? Well, that really would be something.

But if you read a little further into the story (assuming you can read and you’re not a guttural illiterate who stumbles around Starpulse for the pictures) you see that the “story” is based merely a quote from Police guitarist Andy Summers:

‘It’s sort of like living with the elephant in the room. I would see it as a challenge, to make an absolutely brilliant pop album at this stage of our career, and that would be something quite remarkable.’

Great. Andy Summers thinks it would “remarkable” to make a Police album, but NO ONE in The Police is talking about it. So, y’know, you should probably get in line and reserve your copy right now. In just a few months, you’ll be a few months closer to something that will never happen. Because for this story to have any weight the quote would have to be from Sting and he’s not saying anything.

And it’s not like Sting’s shy. This is the man who felt the need to tell everyone that he has marathon tantric sex sessions with his wife. This is man who goes through some of the greatest musicians in modern music like they were kids from the neighborhood garage band. This is a man who’s been losing his hair since 1982 and, yet, has managed –by sheer force of will—not to go completely bald. So really, unless Sting’s talking, there’s no new Police album

Still, you almost have to admire Starpulse’s ability to make something out of nothing. I’m looking forward to these future headlines:

NEW BEATLES ALBUM (Ringo says working would be fun)

STAR WARS EPISODE 7 ON THE WAY (Hope several desperate virgins)

OSAMA BIN LADEN WILL BE FOUND (Claims President Bush)

Posted in Starpulse, The Police | 1 Comment »