If you’re like me, you’re sick and tired of watching stuff on a regular TV. In fact, if you’re like me, you’re fed up with even HAVING a TV at this point. I don’t care if it’s an old CRT with rabbit ears or one o’ them fancy-pants LCD whatsits hangin’ on the wall; either way it’s time to call up the Salvation Army or Goodwill or whatever and have them haul that embarrassing hunk of garbage out of your house. It’s 2008, and regular TVs are for poor people. You have discerning tastes, you have disposable income, and dagnabit, you deserve a projector that’s shaped like R2-D2.

And we have the technology. Thanks, Nikko Home Electronics.

Complete with inputs for a variety of analog & digital signals, built in speakers, and a projector that can crank out a 260 inch-wide picture, the R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector is 100% guaranteed to fill that void in your empty apartment that your ex-girlfriend left when she moved out on you because you bought an R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector. Gut-wrenching loneliness got you down? Try the Millenium Falcon remote control. Crippling depression and abandonment issues bubbling to the surface after years of suppression? Did I mention the iPod dock?

The R2-D2 is also able to recline and project a signal onto your ceiling. For example, if you had a home movie of you and your ex having a picnic together, and you wanted to project it onto the ceiling above the bed that the two of you used to share so you could watch it while crying and masturbating at the same time, the R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector could TOTALLY handle that without a problem.

You could also use it to watch one of the many fine Star Wars films. Or Terminator 2, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, or Look Who’s Talking Too. Or any other movie you wanted to watch, really. They would all probably work.

Rachel Bilson is more than just attractive; she’s attractive in a way that allows delusional guys to think they could hook up with her one day. She’s a naughty sex diva. But she’s also like your best friend’s little sister who wants to have sex with you —as practice— before she goes off to college a virgin. (That happens right?)

In any event, the dream is over. Rachel has done something unforgivable. Something so irrevocably horrible that she’s been removed permanently from the masturbatory minds of pubescents and dirty old men alike: she’s started dating that whiny, Star Wars-ruining, cry-baby. No, not George Lucas. She’s going out with, the chosen one, Hayden Christensen. The actor who answered the question, what if the great Sith Lord Darth Vader were a smug little twit who threw tantrums like the kid down the street who took his Nerf ball and went home when he started losing?

And while Rachel’s decision is soul-crushing, at least she has the good sense to lie about it. When asked what the “H” on her bracelet stood for, Bilson denied it had anything to do with Hayden, and, instead, replied:

“My little sister’s name is Hattie, and my favorite food is hash browns.”

That might seem lame, but really, who can blame her? Hell, I’m sure she’d be willing to make up all sorts of H-based lies to avoid acknowledging the sex she’s having with Hayden Christensen. Seriously, wouldn’t any of the following explanations still be more dignified?

• Heroin. I’m tragically addicted to heroin.
• Herpes. My vagina is incurably riddled with Herpes.
• Hell. I love Hell, and I am a pround member of the Church of Satan.
• Hitler. I’m not a neo-Nazi, but what can I say? I dig Der Fuhrer.
• Hermaphrodite. I, Rachel Bilson, am a Hermaphrodite. But rest assured, neither my penis nor vagina is gonna get anywhere near that douche Hayden Christensen.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Check out his latest offering or go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, his full name, and state of residence.

I love the Soul Caliber games. No other fighting game has such a perfect mix of “if I press all the buttons in an aggressive enough manner, I stand a good chance of winning” and “if I master this combo, I will become a lithe, fluid incarnation of Death itself.”

So honestly, I’ll be buying Soul Caliber IV no matter what bizarre crossover characters they put in it. I’d happily play as a barrel-hurling Donkey Kong, Soccer ball-kicking Pele, or Mace-wielding Mike Huckabee.

But, that doesn’t mean I can let something like the insertion of Star Wars characters into the franchise go by unmentioned. Spawn and Link were bad enough, but putting Darth Vader and Yoda into the game as playable characters is like leaving the Lucasarts truck they used to deliver the giant mountain of cash parked in front of your house. We know it exists, but do you have to rub it in our faces?

To those who think this isn’t such a bad idea, I present an exhaustive list of Darth Vader’s Soul Caliber IV control scheme and moves list:

Control: Press X
Move: Force Choke
Description: Darth chokes opponent to death with his mind.

The end. You’re done. Shut the fuck up Killik; your fucking stick can’t outreach the FORCE.

And yes, they could strategically remove Yoda/Vader’s powers to make them mesh with the Soul Caliber universe, but that’s going to be equally annoying. I mean, do you really want to play a fighting game where your lightsaber hums cleanly through the rapidly ionizing atmosphere, only to be parried by Maxi’s nunchucks?

No; you’re going to whine and moan about how it “isn’t true to the spirit of the character.” Well, you are if you’re an insufferable nerd, which unfortunately describes myself and most of my close friends to a T.

So if you’re reading this Namco Bandai, may I suggest a sensible alternative to the Dark One and his Green Counterpart: PacMan. He’s a classic gaming icon, sure to come bundled with some sweet crossover ad revenue, and is perfectly balanced against the other Soul Caliber characters.

His ability to hover and move in any direction make him defensively strong, while his lack of any attack other than ramming his head against things makes him far from too powerful. Pit him against Ivy, give him some power pills, and let’s leave the crazy franchise mashups to Super Smash Bros.

Star Wars fans everywhere are all aflutter because the lightsaber belonging to Luke Sykwalker (the character portrayed brilliantly by Mark Hamill who, incidentally, went on to a successful career in film, stage, and voice work as the DIGG audience will tell you…) will be aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery when it launches on October 23, 2007:

The Jedi lightsaber has been carefully stowed aboard Discovery and will fly into space with the seven STS-120 astronauts to the International Space Station before returning to Earth 14 days later to mark [Star Wars’] 30th anniversary.

Wow. That’s really exciting news. I guess.

I mean, it’s not like they’ve actually invented a light saber. Or retrofitted the Space Shuttle with dilithium crystals. It’s just a tiny mixture of science fiction and reality.

Still, I guess folks were all excited about Scotty’s ashes being dumped in space so I’m sure the trend will continue. Personally, I’m looking forward to these headlines from future issues of Starlog:

* Marie Curie’s Corpse Fitted With 7 of 9’s Undies

* Optimus Prime Gets His Oil Changed by NASA

* Stephen Hawking Uses Michael York’s Styling Gel From Logan’s Run

* John Glenn Buys Rare Pornographic Star Wars Coloring Book!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

…you respected George Lucas. Just when you thought he had finished defiling your cherished memories, the Star Wars creator (and destroyer) announced yesterday that he plans to exhume those memories, rip their heads off, and take a dump down their necks:

George Lucas is planning a live-action television series spinoff of the “Star Wars” film franchise… which will not include the films’ major characters. “The Skywalkers aren’t in it, and it’s about minor characters,” Lucas told the Times on Tuesday.

I know what you’re thinking: haven’t there already been several awesome Star Wars adaptations on the small screen? Who could forget the epic Ewoks: Battle for Endor (starring Wilford Brimley, no less), or the classic Ewoks cartoon (with perhaps the best theme music ever to come out of the entire franchise), to say nothing of the utter majesty that was The Star Wars Holiday Special?

But apparently Almighty George isn’t content to rest on those sturdy laurels. So on the off-chance that he’s still open to suggestions about this minor-character-driven show, and in gratitude for the good times we once shared before he blew it all to hell, I’d like to offer the following show ideas, absolutely free:

Catching Up with the Fetts
$25,000 Jedi Mind-Trick Pyramid
Womprat Manor
Are You Smarter than a Tauntaun?
Mos Eisley Vice
Akbar, P.I.
America’s Next Top Jawa
Who Wants to Marry Han Solo’s Cousin’s Ex-Girlfriend?
The Real Housewives of Ice Planet Hoth
Droid Eye for the Carbonite Guy
Hermi Odle Can’t Lose
Kick Jar-Jar in the Nuts for Fifty Bucks
Sand People Say the Darndest Things!

….and of course:

Star Wars: The Next Generation

Awesome Video Of The Day

Stacy Hedger: Star Wars Trumpet

When you were a kid, did you ever have one of those dreams where you’re naked in front of your entire school for no apparent reason? I did. Here’s the thing, though: I might have been completely naked, but other than that I wasn’t doing anything particularly stupid. I was just standing there, naked as the day I was born. Then everyone started laughing and I ran away.

It would be really embarrassing if that happened in real life, but being fully clothed and doing Stacy Hedger’s routine would probably be way worse. Running offstage would only take a few seconds. This video, on the other hand, is close to three minutes long. Can you imagine doing that in front of an audience for three solid minutes?

I want to know how this was allowed to happen. Seriously. Where were her parents? Where were her friends? Couldn’t someone have given her an honest opinion before she got onstage?

When a criminal does a horrific thing, people often say that “we as a society failed him.” Society failed Stacy Hedger, too… but at least it produced a hilarious YouTube video.

When MySpace Fails

A few months ago, a friend and I came up with a “great idea.”

Most inventions, we decided, were simply combinations of other inventions that had never been put together before. With that in mind, we brainstormed for a while and eventually conceived of a device that could wash both a window and your face… at the same time. It would be like a thick, wearable towel. You’d put face soap on one side of it and Windex on the other. Then you just rub your face against the window, and BAM! Two birds with one stone!

I bet IHateCilantro.com was conceived of in a similar manner: two people hammered out of their minds, slurring nonsense to one another in a dark alley at 4 a.m. But unlike most people who come up with “great ideas” after binge drinking for 7 or 8 hours, these guys actually pulled the trigger. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m impressed either way. With 17 pages of “cilantro stories”, 8 pages of cilantro haikus, and some marginally active forums I think it’s safe to say that this mediocre joke - starting an “anti cilantro community” - has been fully realized.

We get it, guys. You hate cilantro. Surely there’s something else for you guys to do on the internet now, isn’t there? Go start a war with the “I Love Cilantro!” Flickr Group or something.

Wild Card

I was waiting for my Chalupas at Taco Bell the other day when I noticed a strange object sitting in a small plastic display case in the kitchen. Knowing I was in the presence of something truly bizarre, I whipped out my camera and snapped a picture of it. You know those “Visible Man” anatomical models? I’m pretty sure this is a “Visible Taco.”

But what purpose could it possibly serve? If it’s a guide for making a basic taco, why aren’t there other “visible” models of other, more complex menu items? What happens if you order a Taco Supreme? What if you order a burrito, for God’s sake?! What then?!

Maybe it’s not a guide at all. Maybe it’s an award for General Taco Excellence or something. I have no idea. Do you? Leave your suggestions in the comments!