Monkeys vs. Dogs: Who Makes a Better Astronaut?
Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
Since most CRACKED readers are obsessive-compulsive basement dwellers with an unhealthy fixation on arcane Soviet-era space programs, I’ll assume that most of you already know that the 50th anniversary of the first Sputnik launch is right around the corner. The Sputnik program paved the way for manned missions at a time when people (even scientists) were scared to send human beings into outer space. It’s easy to laugh at such naiveté today, but remember that hindsight is 20/20. Even though everybody now knows that space travel is simple, affordable and not even that big of a deal (kind of boring, really), back then the cosmos seemed a whole lot scarier. What happens when you go into space? Does your head blow up? Are there monsters up there, and if so, what do they eat? Is there food around, or should I bring a sack lunch? They had no idea! To find out, mankind had to do a few practice runs. Unfortunately, there were no astronauts yet back then, so the USA and Soviet Union were forced to use the two next best things: monkeys and dogs.
We may have completely mastered space travel a long time ago, but that’s no reason not to pay homage to those brave monkeys and dogs who risked (or lost) their lives in pursuit of the greater good, those furry fellows who wanted nothing more than to see their captors colonize the moon, or possibly Mars. Maybe that would mean no more pulling levers when the light bulb turned on. Maybe the electric shocks would stop, and they could finally sleep. Yes, sleep… Precious, precious sleep…
But I digress. In homage to those great monkeys and dogs, I’d like to take a moment to remember them in a way befitting their greatness: in a no-holds-barred cage match. Monkeys vs. Dogs, winner takes the much-coveted title of “Better Astronaut.” The games begin after the jump!
