Real Sumo Fighting: Hakuho vs. Asashoryu

I spent some time in Japan a few years back. The idea was to immerse myself in a foreign culture, and I learned a lot about both myself and the world I live in while I was there. For example, I learned that there are places in the world that are crawling with teenagers in schoolgirl outfits, and that I enjoy being in those places, watching them giggle while playing with their crazy futuristic cell phones. I played pachinko and ate sashimi, and then I watched the schoolgirls some more and momentarily considered purchasing their used panties out of a vending machine. Then I remembered that I’d already spent all my money in the pachinko parlor, playing a game that I didn’t understand, so I went back to my hotel room and watched a TV show about a magical talking dog that was elected mayor of a small town. Confused, horny, and drunk as I’d ever been, I dozed off during a commercial for some sort of carbonated shrimp-flavored beverage.

Even after all that, nothing could prepare me for the sumo match I went to the next day. The ancient history of the sumo was palpable in that arena, and watching those guys grappling with one another, shooting lightning out of their hands and lasers out of their eyes and bending the spacetime continuum, well, it was almost as good as getting into a time machine and going back to feudal Japan. Sure, it was all pretty weird at first, just like I’m sure it looks weird to you now. But let me tell you something, viewer who is unfamiliar with the grand sumo tradition: This video hasn’t been digitally manipulated in any way, shape or form.

This is what sumo wrestling actually looks like.

For the rest of the trip, I couldn’t help but notice it everywhere I went: look up at any given moment and you’re all but guaranteed to see giant robots battling above Tokyo’s skyscrapers. Walk down the street in search of a vending machine full of used schoolgirl panties and BAM - a monster will fly through a brick wall and explode, and then some guy with really pointy hair will flash you a V sign and ride off into the sunset on a red jet-powered motorcycle. It’s a little known fact, and it was probably my greatest revelation on my trip to Japan: There are no special effects or animation studios in Japan. All those movies and TV shows you’ve seen? Those were all documentaries.

Also, there is a small town in southern Japan where a magical talking dog is the mayor.

Gus Johnson: Dancin’ Queen Diva

I don’t know much about basketball, but Wikipedia tells me that guy on the left is Clyde Frazier, who is apparently a very famous former NBA player and current spokesman for Just For Men hair products. That’s good to know, I guess, but the look on his face when the guy on the right (Gus Johnson, who Wikipedia tells me is also famous) starts singing “Dancing Queen” completely transcends my lack of knowledge of basketball.

You don’t need to know a damn thing about basketball to know that dude looks REALLY bummed out.

Is there really no place for ABBA in sports? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard “Dancing Queen” while cosmic bowling and playing mini golf, but is that as far as it can go? Is it really so wrong for a full-grown man to express a healthy appreciation for Swedish disco?

I know the connotations: Disco is kind of fruity and sports are the opposite of fruity, therefore sports dudes can’t admit to liking disco. That sounds simple enough, but you know what? I’ll bet all those dudes making shitty faces and nodding disapprovingly all know the words to “Dancing Queen.” I bet a good number of them have it on their iPods buried in a secret folder named “Untitled,” and I bet the file itself is renamed something like “Eye Of The Tiger” or “Sports Mix Vol. 1″ or “I Can’t Get Enough Pussy - What Can I Say? I Just Really, REALLY Like Pussy,” which is weird, because that’s obviously not a real song title.

If you’re reading this, members of the basketball community, I have a message for you: loosen up a little. The gay 90s came and went, and now, in these enlightened 00s of ours, it’s totally socially acceptable to admit to liking ABBA. Also, please change the rules of your game to make it not seem so boring to me. All that running back and forth… it’s a real snoozefest. Try to incorporate weapons or booby traps or something.

Oh - also, please teach me how to dunk. That would be awesome.

Let’s Play… Bunnock!

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, the Third Annual International Indoor Bunnock Tournament was held this past weekend at a shopping mall in Edmonton, Canada. I couldn’t make it, unfortunately, but I hear it was nothing shy of phenomenal. There were some truly top-notch bunnock players present, and the competition was fierce. You know how those bunnock games get, what with all the, uh, the bunnockballs flying all over the place, and the scoring of bunnock points and whatnot. I’ll bet there were tons of cracked bunnock paddles by the end of the day! Yup - nothing like a good round of indoor bunnock on a cold winter afternoon.

Alright, you’ve got me: I have no idea what bunnock is. Or I didn’t, anyway, until I read its (very short) Wikipedia entry. Now I know that it involves two teams, a field, and a whole bunch of horse anklebones. The two teams stand on opposite sides of a field and try to knock each others’ anklebones down with - get this - MORE BONES.

I was going to make a list of other activities that you’d have to call “games” if bunnock is one, things like “roll the mayonnaise jar down the stairs without it breaking” and “transport the bag of dirty laundry to the washing machine,” but you know what? If there was another team trying to break your mayonnaise jar or beat you to the washing machine, those actually WOULD be games. I guess the joke was supposed to be that bunnock is a made up game, but aren’t all games made up? At the end of the day, is “knock down the horse anklebones” any weirder than “run back and forth and throw the ball in the basket” or “hit the ball with the stick and run counterclockwise around the diamond”?

Well, crap - I started this post as a “check out this KUH-RAZY sport!” thing, but somewhere along the way it turned into an “all sports are weird!” thing. Oh well - at least I raised some awareness about bunnock.

You’re welcome, worldwide bunnock players. All nine of you.

Not a day goes by that I don’t receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, “Yeah, yeah—Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul’s sex tape—enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!” Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends!

Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the “Fist Pump Challenge” to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids “highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals.” When asked for examples, Woods said that possible “Fist Pumping” moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted.

I’m Not Dead, I’m Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous “resurrection,” Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead.

Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994.

*I nominate coming up with the title “Lopez Sez No Mo-pez” as my Fist Pumping moment. What’s yours?