Spice Girls Taking It Hard From Down Under
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
Yeah, that’s right. This is my third post on the Spice Girls. Deal with it. Good things happen when I blog about the Spice Girls. For example, the last time I wrote about them, Cracked reader “Jeb” brought the picture on the right to my attention. That’s Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton.
True, this post is about all of the Spice Girls so let’s just go ahead and assume the rest of the ladies are in one of those buildings in the background. Does that work for you?
So, anyway, after some disappointing ticket sales, the Spice Girls have canceled about half of their reunion tour, completely eliminating dates in countries such as Australia. But, poor ticket sales or not, Australia is pissed. And they’re not staying quiet about it:
But I guess the Spice Girls shouldn’t be surprised. Australians have never let the commercial realities of a changing market prevent them from writing angry letters to celebs. Indeed, as indicated below, Aussies save their greatest wrath for their own:
__________________
Dear Yahoo Serious,
WTF?! Three movies and then nothing? Imagine my surprise when I went down to my local cinema and was informed no Yahoo Serious movie was playing. OK, OK, I thought. Everyone deserves a vacation. But I have now been told that “no Yahoo Serious movie is playing” every day for the last eight years. Hello? I’m waiting? And don’t tell me there’s no market for Young Einstein II. I saw the first one like twenty times. Even if a new one is half as good I’d still see it like ten times. I guess some people are such big celebs they don’t need that kind of money.
Piss off,
Jeremy
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Dear Jacko,
I regret to inform you that you are no longer my hero. Your work for the Energizer corporation will live on fondly in my heart, but I must move on. For over 15 years I’ve waited for you to return in your tight black muscle shirt and crush the Energizer Bunny that took your place, but nothing. I’m sure Energizer would have you back. I mean, I can’t believe that stupid bunny is working very well for them. The fault must lie with you. You just don’t want it enough. Goodbye.
Regretfully,
Bruce
_________________
Dear Dingo that ate Meryl Streep’s baby in Cry In The Dark,
Rare is the performer who can indoctrinate himself into the public’s consciousness with just one movie appearance. But you did it. And I applaud you. I understand that when you’ve had success like that, it’s hard to know what to do next. But surely, you can’t just quit. Your fans await you. Perhaps, a Turner & Hooch remake Aussie-style? Or Eatin’ 2. Electric Dingaloo? Something! Your fans need to know that celebrities can have a second act. Please give us hope.
Sincerely,
Paul Hogan
Check out some more Gladstone HERE and HERE
Leading off, Mira Sorvino has a strict test for nannies because she was traumatized by her care-giver as a child:
“That’s a load of crap. It’s almost a joke. It’s pathetic and silly that people choose to write silly things. It’s really comical actually, because we’ve never gotten on better. It’s the biggest laugh ever - it’s like hanging around with your best buddies. We’re just rolling around with laughter the whole time, we lift each other up.”
I don’t know about you, but when I heard the Spice Girls were getting back together, I had to rethink my whole masturbation schedule. I mean, how could I get these ladies into my rotation? Who would get bumped? Vanna White? Paula Zahn? The actress who plays the mom in my Tivo’d episodes of Alf? So many fine ladies.
