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Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!!

Friday, November 16th, 2007

cracked_sci_corner_logo1.gifAccording to a recent survey, 76% of Cracked readers believe that the Earth is about a hundred years old and was created by Superman, our nearest planetary neighbors are Vulcan and Endor, the Moon is in Uranus (get it?!), and Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes is better than the original (”because of the ’splosions and boobs”).

In order to rectify this shocking state of misinformation, I hereby inaugurate a new feature which will provide for both the edutainment and infocation of you, the readers, and prepare you for exciting careers in the scientific field (as janitors): Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! So let’s begin by examining three big sciencey stories in today’s news.

cracked_sci11.gifFirst up is the revelation that a previously unremarkable comet in our solar system has apparently OD’d on Comet Growth Hormone and is now bigger than the sun:

A comet that has delighted backyard astronomers in recent weeks after an unexpected eruption has now grown larger than the sun. … “It continues to expand and is now the largest single object in the solar system,” according to astronomers at the University of Hawaii.

It’s natural at this point to ask, “Should I be freaking the fuck out?” Well, you came to the right place, my friend, because I am the one person who will give you the answer straight up: Absolutely God damn right you should be freaking out. It’s bigger than the damn sun, for crying out loud! I would advise you to a) immediately begin giving away your most prized possessions—such as your complete unopened set of first-series Transformers cards and collection of bizarre Japanese porn—preferably to me, b) frantically try to carry out your most outrageous sexual fantasy, no matter how illegal, immoral, or unsanitary, and c) tell your mother you love her, even if you don’t really mean it because she never bought you those Crunchberries you wanted so very badly. As a matter of fact, tell her to stuff it.

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Posted in Aliens, Cracked Science Corner, Sex, Space, Xbox 360 | 10 Comments »

Tesla Coils, Mario Bros. and The Moon Landing Was Bullshit: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Monday, November 12th, 2007


Awesome Video Of The Day

Tesla Coils Playing Mario Bros

If I had a time machine, I’d travel back in time, pick up Nikola Tesla and take him to the “2007 Lightning on the Lawn Teslathon.” I’d give him a beer, sit him down in one of those folding camping chairs, give him a clap on the back and say, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Then the Super Mario Bros. theme song would start playing and the lightning would be shooting all over the place and that dude would scream “YEAHHHH!!!” and Nikola would turn to me with a quizzical look on his face.

Then I’d take him back to the time machine, go back in time a few hours and show him Super Mario Bros. so he actually knows what it is.

Then I’d take him back to the Teslathon and the dude would scream “YEAHHHH!!!” and Nikola would probably feel pretty good about himself for a minute. Maybe he didn’t invent the Tesla Coil as a novelty, but at least people were enjoying themselves, screaming “YEAHHHH!!!” and hooting and hollering. But then a few seconds later, everyone would fall silent and a general sense of boredom would sweep over the crowd. Everyone would watch the Tesla Coils playing their little tune and yawn, and then Nikola would turn to me and be like “Hey, uhh, listen - I’ve got some experiments to wrap up and stuff,” and I’d take him back to his lab, where he would promptly destroy all of his schematics and die in obscurity.

Only I would know of the man that was Nikola Tesla, but alas, I’d be too busy partying in outer space and too drunk on futuristic booze to tell anyone about him. That’s the problem with time machines right there: the futuristic outer space parties are just too good to pass up.

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Posted in Conspiracies, Idiots, Nooners, Space, Video | 9 Comments »

Monkeys vs. Dogs: Who Makes a Better Astronaut?

Tuesday, September 25th, 2007

Laika - the first (and most awesome) dog in space.Since most CRACKED readers are obsessive-compulsive basement dwellers with an unhealthy fixation on arcane Soviet-era space programs, I’ll assume that most of you already know that the 50th anniversary of the first Sputnik launch is right around the corner. The Sputnik program paved the way for manned missions at a time when people (even scientists) were scared to send human beings into outer space. It’s easy to laugh at such naiveté today, but remember that hindsight is 20/20. Even though everybody now knows that space travel is simple, affordable and not even that big of a deal (kind of boring, really), back then the cosmos seemed a whole lot scarier. What happens when you go into space? Does your head blow up? Are there monsters up there, and if so, what do they eat? Is there food around, or should I bring a sack lunch? They had no idea! To find out, mankind had to do a few practice runs. Unfortunately, there were no astronauts yet back then, so the USA and Soviet Union were forced to use the two next best things: monkeys and dogs.

We may have completely mastered space travel a long time ago, but that’s no reason not to pay homage to those brave monkeys and dogs who risked (or lost) their lives in pursuit of the greater good, those furry fellows who wanted nothing more than to see their captors colonize the moon, or possibly Mars. Maybe that would mean no more pulling levers when the light bulb turned on. Maybe the electric shocks would stop, and they could finally sleep. Yes, sleep… Precious, precious sleep…

But I digress. In homage to those great monkeys and dogs, I’d like to take a moment to remember them in a way befitting their greatness: in a no-holds-barred cage match. Monkeys vs. Dogs, winner takes the much-coveted title of “Better Astronaut.” The games begin after the jump!

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Posted in Dogs, Monkeys, Science, Space, Sputnik | 4 Comments »