Well folks, Spring is here which, for most people means love is in the air. For the nerdy, pasty, internet obsessed tech crowd, however, (that’s you, Cracked.com readers!), it means one thing: South by Southwest. That’s right, the 22nd Annual South by Southwest Festival, a celebration of music, movies, technology and the internet, is going on all this week. Bloggers, pseudo-celebrities and nerds everywhere are flocking to Texas for a week of boner-inducing inter-news, and as an incredibly important and influential Cracked Blogger, it’s only natural that I should be in attendance.

I don’t mean to brag, but as an experienced journalist, I have somewhat of a knack for sensing when something huge is about to happen and, let me tell you, I had one hell of a hunch that this particular SXSW festival was going to be different. Something big was going to go down, and I wanted to be there when it happened. If my hunch was accurate, (and they always are), this story could almost guarantee me a Pulitzer. Alternately, I heard Jenna Fischer was going to be there, and I’ve always kind of wanted to ask her if she’s ever seriously considered taking a shower with me.

I went to visit Cracked’s Head Editor Jack O’Brien last week to see about getting a plane ticket to the event…

“Let me ask you something, Jack Rabbit-” I began
“Don’t call me that” he interrupted.

“What if I was to tell you that I’m planning an article so controversial, so inspirational, so fucking life-changing that, after you read it, your head will literally spit your eyes right off your god damn face because your brain would realize that there’s no point in reading anything else ever. Got that? Your brain says you don’t even need eyes anymore because you already read the most important article ever conceived. That’s how fucking Ninja Turtles this article is.” I paused to let my words sink in, and because I accidentally spit all over myself in my excitement. “If I told you I could write that article and get it up on Cracked by the end of the week, would you just shit your pants, or what?” I could tell I had him.
“Probably not, no,” he answered. “But I’ll admit it, you’ve got my attention.” I also had his wallet, but he didn’t need to know that.
“You can have that article, Jack to the Future-”
“Don’t call me that.”
“-and all it would take on your part is a plane ticket to Austin. One little plane ticket, and you’ll have the article that’ll change the world. One plane ticket … and a few other incidental expenses,” I mumbled as I pulled out my expense proposal.
(more…)

Awesome Video Of The Day

Stacy Hedger: Star Wars Trumpet

When you were a kid, did you ever have one of those dreams where you’re naked in front of your entire school for no apparent reason? I did. Here’s the thing, though: I might have been completely naked, but other than that I wasn’t doing anything particularly stupid. I was just standing there, naked as the day I was born. Then everyone started laughing and I ran away.

It would be really embarrassing if that happened in real life, but being fully clothed and doing Stacy Hedger’s routine would probably be way worse. Running offstage would only take a few seconds. This video, on the other hand, is close to three minutes long. Can you imagine doing that in front of an audience for three solid minutes?

I want to know how this was allowed to happen. Seriously. Where were her parents? Where were her friends? Couldn’t someone have given her an honest opinion before she got onstage?

When a criminal does a horrific thing, people often say that “we as a society failed him.” Society failed Stacy Hedger, too… but at least it produced a hilarious YouTube video.

When MySpace Fails

A few months ago, a friend and I came up with a “great idea.”

Most inventions, we decided, were simply combinations of other inventions that had never been put together before. With that in mind, we brainstormed for a while and eventually conceived of a device that could wash both a window and your face… at the same time. It would be like a thick, wearable towel. You’d put face soap on one side of it and Windex on the other. Then you just rub your face against the window, and BAM! Two birds with one stone!

I bet IHateCilantro.com was conceived of in a similar manner: two people hammered out of their minds, slurring nonsense to one another in a dark alley at 4 a.m. But unlike most people who come up with “great ideas” after binge drinking for 7 or 8 hours, these guys actually pulled the trigger. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m impressed either way. With 17 pages of “cilantro stories”, 8 pages of cilantro haikus, and some marginally active forums I think it’s safe to say that this mediocre joke - starting an “anti cilantro community” - has been fully realized.

We get it, guys. You hate cilantro. Surely there’s something else for you guys to do on the internet now, isn’t there? Go start a war with the “I Love Cilantro!” Flickr Group or something.

Wild Card

I was waiting for my Chalupas at Taco Bell the other day when I noticed a strange object sitting in a small plastic display case in the kitchen. Knowing I was in the presence of something truly bizarre, I whipped out my camera and snapped a picture of it. You know those “Visible Man” anatomical models? I’m pretty sure this is a “Visible Taco.”

But what purpose could it possibly serve? If it’s a guide for making a basic taco, why aren’t there other “visible” models of other, more complex menu items? What happens if you order a Taco Supreme? What if you order a burrito, for God’s sake?! What then?!

Maybe it’s not a guide at all. Maybe it’s an award for General Taco Excellence or something. I have no idea. Do you? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Hornblasters.com: Terror On The Streets Episode 10

Do you enjoy doing irreparable damage to strangers’ hearing? What about the sound of children screaming? Do you like that, too? You do?! Well then click your ass over to HornBlasters.com! Want to know more? According to their website:

“Ever heard a train sound its horn from a mile away? How about from up close? HornBlasters.com specializes in selling extremely loud train horn setups for just about any use… Does your truck have a bad-boy look but fall short with a wimpy horn? We have your perfect solution.”

HornBlasters sells horns capable of blowing a “loud and efficient” 148-152 decibels. According to this chart, that’s comparable to fireworks and gunshots. Notice how everyone who gets honked at drops to the ground and covers their heads? Yeah. Real funny, guys.

Here’s the thing about train horns: they’re meant to be heard from a mile away. You know - because trains can take a while to stop. That’s why having a really, really loud horn is useful… for trains.

Is it actually embarrassing to dudes who drive “bad-boy” trucks to have “wimpy” horns? Is that a genuine concern for these guys? I drive an Accord and my dad never beat the shit out of me, so this is all pretty far outside of my personal realm of experience. Maybe I’m missing the point.

Either way these guys are fucking assholes.

When MySpace Fails

There’s nothing better than moving to a new town and checking out their local KKK chapter for the first time, but it seems like that first meeting is inevitably marred by one of the following:

• No chicks
• A few chicks, all unattractive
• No other members into Primus

Social-Networking-Web-2.0-Doohickeys to the rescue! The blacks and jews can have their MySpace, but for those of us concerned with preserving the sanctity of pure Aryan blood there’s NewSaxon.org: An Online Community For Whites By Whites. You can’t browse the profiles unless you make an account, but security is surprisingly lax - I have a teaspoon or two of questionable drops in me (in case you can’t tell from my last name) but I was still able to create an account.

I tried to click around a bit after I made my profile (I’m “HitlerWasAwesome” - send me a friend request!), but the site took so long to load that I eventually gave up. Maybe they should outsource their IT to Indi- oh, wait… nevermind.

Wild Card

I could say all kinds of derisive things about The Back-Up, a handy little gun rack for the side of your bed, but who am I to judge? If somebody broke into my house I’d be completely defenseless. I keep my shotgun in my closet - how am I supposed to tip-toe all the way across the room while somebody is already in my house, stealing my precious diamonds and gold doubloons? The Back-Up is the perfect solution! Plus, it’s got the “As Seen On TV” seal of approval on it. How am I going to argue with that?

One of you guys should probably order one. They’re only $39.95 - that’ll put them $39.95 closer to being able to pay somebody to redesign their website. Think of it as charity, only more deadly.

Awesome Video Of The Day

R. Kelly - Real Talk (Behind The Scenes)

Full disclosure: I’m a huge R. Kelly fan. Dude is completely out of his mind but has somehow tricked the entire R&B community into overlooking it because, you know, his sex jams are soooo tight. Having apparently just heard about a new video sharing internet website called YouTube, R. Kelly brings us a behind the scenes look at what it’s like to hang out with him in the studio. Apparently, you spend most of your time sitting in a corner while Kelly pretends to sing an argument into a cordless phone. In his own words:

“I decided to do this shit, Real Talk, on YouTube because I think it’s a great song - you know what I’m sayin’ - even though there’s a lot of profanity in it, but the profanity represents just how real shit gets when you arguin’ with your girl and shit… you know what I’m sayin’?”

We know exactly what you’re sayin’, Kels. Next time I’m arguing with my girl, I’m gonna try saying “real talk” over and over again until she goes into a trance. She’ll be like a cobra coming out of a basket and that phrase will be my flute. Then a bunch of dudes will start brawling right behind me, and I’ll get all pissed and yell “turn the camera off!” That’ll make it more real.

I may also try using the line “what they eat don’t make us shit.” Can’t hurt, right?

When MySpace Fails

If you’re like me, you’re tired of all the usual social network sites. MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, even Orkut… total snoozefest. Listing your favorite bands, movies and TV shows is passé. You’re a unique snowflake, someone who demands more from your social networking site than the ability to leave comments for all of your best acquaintances. You have very specific tastes, but don’t worry - there are plenty of off-the-radar sites ready to cater to them. For example…

Petster.com

Do you have a burning desire to bring your pet into the exciting realm of Web 2.0, but shudder at the thought of its profile sitting on a server somewhere mixed in with humans, goths and teenagers? Forget MySpace - it’s full of trash and pederasts. Instead, you’ll probably want to head over to Petster.com: “Where pets rule!” Worried that you won’t be able to use horrible animated backgrounds and animated gifs galore? Think again, my animal-loving friend! Check out Bubbles (aka Bubble, Stinky, Bubbly Wubbly Boo) - his favorite activity is sleeping, his favorite park is “dog park” and his favorite food is “everything!” LOL!

Not a dog lover? Well feast your eyes on Kamikazi, a Lynx Siamese from New Berlin, Wisconsin! Meee-ow! Or how about Flossie from Lancashire, UK? She’s a rat who dislikes “sudden surprises”! Tooooo cute!

Warning: Apparently, you have to be at least 18 years of age or older to use Petster. Strange - I thought the only criterion would be crippling unbearable loneliness.

Wild Card

I don’t know what it is about this Falling Hillary Clinton Screensaver that I like so much. It’s not really a screensaver per se (sometimes she gets stuck on the bubbles and you have to give her a little nudge), so I don’t think it serves any real utilitarian function. There’s something hypnotic about it that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it has something to do with that awesome face she’s making.

I would say you should avoid the bikini version, but who am I kidding? You know you’re gonna click it anyway.