I don’t know about you, but when I heard the Spice Girls were getting back together, I had to rethink my whole masturbation schedule. I mean, how could I get these ladies into my rotation? Who would get bumped? Vanna White? Paula Zahn? The actress who plays the mom in my Tivo’d episodes of Alf? So many fine ladies.

It was a hard decision. And I started to think maybe I just didn’t have room for the Spice Girls. If only this had happened last year when Joan Collins hit 73 and was replaced with a younger more nubile Ann Margaret. 66! ROWR!

But then I heard that the Spice Girls were gonna be pole dancing!

A source tells British newspaper The Sun, “The girls all agreed that a pole dancing section in the show would be fabulous and sexy. And they wanted to get some proper lessons from professional dancers.”

Pole dancing! That’s awesome. I haven’t been this hot since I saw Sophia Loren do the limbo! So I’ve readjusted my schedule, and I’m now devoting Wednesday afternoons solely to these smoldering vixens. I’ve also declared Thursday, “Heal up from chaffing day.” Sorry Martha Stewart and Goldie Hawn. It couldn’t last forever.

If you’re an 18 to 34-year-old male like me (and if our advertisers ask, you definitely are), you’ve most likely gone through periods in your life convinced that all the good women are taken, and that the rest of your life will be a long, slow succession of painful rejections, unsatisfying lap-dances, hung-over regrets over the unreliability of beer goggles, and lonely nights at home with the ladies of Vivid Video (who while attractive and friendly, may not actually like you for you).

But wait—take your head out of that oven, for I bring you news of a great joy for all people: there are still excellent women to be found:

An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday. Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars (900 US dollars) after pleading guilty to two breaches of the Liquor Control Act. Another barmaid who helped hang spoons on De Faveri’s nipples was fined 500 dollars while the bar manager was fined 1,000 dollars for failing to stop the pair.

So two brave souls dare to show that girls—how should I put this—just want to have fun, and how are they rewarded? Fines and public embarrassment. Australia, I’m sorry, but the global goodwill you generated with Crocodile Dundee may have just evaporated.

But I know what you’re thinking: sure, there are perfect girls with beer-crushing breasts halfway around the world, but what about here in the Good Ol’ U. S. of A.? Is there any woman here who can replenish our faith in the fairer sex? Yes, there is:

Tiffany Sutton, 24, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault… after she repeatedly stabbed her lover during an alcohol- and drug-fueled sexual tryst. According to police, the victim agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. … When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax. … prison records show Sutton thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail.

… I know, it’s great that your ex has been able to move on and see new people, isn’t it? She really has gotten back on her feet.

But in case you fear that all single girls out there think they’re vampires and want to drink your blood, you can take comfort in the fact that a short look at Craigslist turned up:

• a girl who thinks she’s a werewolf and wants to urinate on your leg;
• a girl who thinks she’s Dr. Frankenstein and wants to hook electrical clamps to your nipples;
• a girl who thinks she’s Dick Cheney and wants to hook electrical clamps to your nipples; and
• a girl who thinks she likes you and wants to talk about your feelings.

On second thought, maybe you should stick with porn.

You’ve heard the arguments, of course—that gay marriage will lead to a moral permissiveness which will rip apart the very fabric of our society. What they fail to mention is that this slippery slope may also lead to a future filled with funky robot lovin’, according to one scientist:

“My forecast is that around 2050, Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots,” researcher David Levy told LiveScience… At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, “but once you have a story like ‘I had sex with a robot, and it was great!’ appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I’d expect many people to jump on the bandwagon,” Levy said.

Assuming that Dr. Levy is correct—and let’s face it, if they can put a man on the moon, there’s no reason they can’t give us the infinitely more important robotic sex machines we all deserve—here are six sultry cybernetic models which I believe should be first off the assembly line:

Model: The Lisa
Inspired by: Kelly LeBrock
Build: Makes Farah Fawcett look like Pat Benatar
Hair: Brown, flowing dramatically backwards into some kind of timewarp or something
Pros: Imparts lessons about life, love, and believing in oneself to troubled teens
Cons: Sometimes visited by unpleasant martial-arts-programmed ex-husband “Seagalbot 3000″
Memorable quote: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, or made of titanium.”

Model: The Pris
Inspired by: Darryl Hannah
Hair: Blonde, broomlike
Build: Almost so manly it’s hard to believe we used to think she was a sex symbol
Pros: Stylish use of eye makeup, low-cost plastic wardrobe
Cons: Homicidal robot boyfriend, unhealthy relationship with “other brother Darryl”
Memorable quote: “Standard pleasure model”
(more…)

Do you love meat? No, I mean really love meat? Well, if you’re in Tokyo and have some discretionary Yen burning a hole in your pocket, there’s a specialty restaurant which can help you express that love in ways you never dreamed possible:

[Tokyo’s] bestiality restaurant is being regarded by its nouveau riche patronage … as a decadent practice only possible among the wealthy. [One patron] says she visited the restaurant after being invited there by a well-heeled lawyer… Once the customer feels prepared, they will be presented with the beast of their choice. In the lawyer’s case, it was a sow. “I’d been told what to expect, but when I actually saw what was happening, it was as shocking as you’d imagine it to be,” she said. Once the lawyer had finished porking the pig, the couple returned to the first floor and sat at a table to dine… she was totally shocked when staff members carried in roast pork–made of the same sow the lawyer had earlier been with.

I have several competing reactions to this story:

• It’s a logical progression, really, from eating raw fish (which is now a mainstream American favorite) to the Russian roulette-like deadly Fugu (which made it all the way to The Simpsons), to live octopus (which fights back on its way down), to this current horrific perversion. And it’s only fitting, I suppose, that it comes from the nation that brought us such kinky innovations as panty vending-machines, tentacle porn, and the Bataan Death March.

• Despite the shock value, this is really very similar to American theme restaurants such as Medieval Times or Chuck E. Cheese—only instead of playing skeeball with Chuck E. Cheese, you have sex with him, and then eat him.

• I’ll bet that the quality of the experience varies widely depending on which animal you choose to “bond” with. For example, cows and pigs: Probably a pretty safe bet. Fish: Might have to get creative. Lobster: Better hope the rubber bands don’t come off. Sea urchin: Thanks for the nightmares.

• Maybe it’s not that bad. After all, the animals were going to die anyway, and it’s not like the restaurant is doing this with humans.*

*Slip 500,000 yen to Keiko at the front desk and we’ll talk.