Pop quiz, hotshot: It’s 11 a.m., you have a righteous hangover, and you’re on the set of a hardcore pornographic film that you’re about to star in. The director hands you a t-shirt that says “Canada” on it, mumbles something about garter snakes, and then gets a page on his beeper and storms off to go return the call on his “car phone.” If time were on your side you’d be at home right now, doing lines of blow and leisurely shaving your balls, but the schedule says you need to actively fucking by 12 o’clock sharp, and not only have you not seen a script yet, but you haven’t even eaten BREAKFAST, and everyone on the set knows it’ll be a cold day in the San Fernando Valley before your dick’s gonna get hard without a plateful of scrambled eggs and some black coffee to charge the ol’ meat battery.

But you don’t have time to worry about that, because now the camera is rolling and some Hungarian girl who barely speaks English is staring at you, waiting for you to say something. You welcome her to America, then remember that your shirt says “Canada” on it, but justify it to yourself by thinking, “I meant ‘America’ like ‘North America.’ You know… like… the continent.” Next thing you know she’s smelling some leaves because, hey, that’s what you do when you’re trying to get your bearings in a strange new country, but then all of the sudden she’s screaming and you’re wrestling a giant rubber snake on the ground, thinking to yourself, “Whatever - beats the 10 p.m. - 5 a.m. shift at The Nutbush.” Then the snake slithers away, the cameraman yells “CUT!” and you have just enough time to chew some aspirin before you have to start having sexual intercourse with a Hungarian girl who has jewelry stashed inside of vagina.

Moments later you remember why you got into this business in the first place. Then you go home, do a few lines of cocaine, shave your balls and think to yourself, “It’s a living.”

I can’t say for sure whether or not this Riskay character is going to be remembered 5 years from now, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t valuable life lessons to be learned from her hit song, “Smell Yo Dick.”

It’s a universal story: You come home from the club at 5 a.m. after buying drinks for a stripper named Diamond all night, when your girl asks you to present your genitalia so she can smell it and ascertain whether or not you’ve been cheating on her. You try to tell her that you have “enough dick to go ’round” and that asking to smell yo’ dick is how a “bitch get her eye swole up” but she doesn’t listen. She then proceeds to pour bleach all over your clothes, throw your iPhone off a balcony, and perform a song about smelling your penis live in concert to a large club audience.

I’ll admit that it’s been a little different for me personally, but the idea is the same regardless. True, my “clubbing” has traditionally been a D&D night in the basement of my local community center, and sure, my “girlfriend” is the girl that I see at the bus stop if I get there early enough (about 45 minutes before I actually need to), but what’s the difference in the grand scheme of things? So what if the real-life version of my girlfriend asking to smell my dick is actually some girl at the bus stop asking me what time it is? So what if my real-life iPhone is prepaid? No matter which verison of the story you choose to go with, some basic facts remain the same: My name is Ross, I’ve met a girl before, and I own a mobile communications device.

Oh - and I have a Snickers jacket. How are you gonna fuck with that?

So it seems Madonna and her husband, Guy Ritchie, haven’t been having sex lately. Why? Well, according to Madonna, it’s because Ritchie’s cookie diet robbed him of his sex drive. Seriously.

There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t know where to begin. First, cookie diet? Does that even exist? The odds of losing weight eating cookies are about as good as Cracked.com’s chances of winning big at the webbys.

Second, since when do sweets make you want to shun sex? Have you taken a date out to dinner and said, “Oh fuck, maybe if I set fire to the tablecloth before dessert comes I can still get laid tonight.”

And third, I’m not a doctor, but unless a chocolate chip is lodged in Ritchie’s urethra, I’m pretty sure cookies have nothing to do with why he’s not tapping Madonna. That’s just some excuse he made up. “Uh, oh, sex? Uh, gee, I’d love to, but, uh, y’know, I can’t because… um… COOKIES!!! Yeah, cookie diet. Yup. Damn cookies. Otherwise, I’d love to. Oh, and I can’t load the dishwasher because um, there’s a donut monster in our kitchen.” Now some of you may be asking, “Why would anyone want to make up an excuse NOT to have sex with Madonna?” Oh, no reason:

Ya see, I’m sure marrying Madonna seemed like a great idea twenty years ago, but so did snap bracelets. And unlike Madonna, your snap bracelets (I’m looking at you Dan O’Brien) probably have retained some of their natural elasticity. Oh, that reminds me of a joke. What do you call Rudy Guiliani in a wig and a stupid green hat. Give up?

Or maybe I’m wrong. No, not about the cookie’s magic erection-robbing abilities. That’s asinine. Maybe I’m wrong about Madonna’s age being the culprit. Perhaps, Ritchie’s just tired of the non-stop bukkake nightmares he keeps having, starring his wife, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Dennis Rodman, and the 1989 cast of Cats. Give him a break, Madonna. That can’t be easy. And in the meantime, I don’t know, have you considered a substitute? A Twinkie perhaps?

When you stop and think about it, a large part of our daily existence is filth-encrusted. You’re reading this on a computer, so chances are you’ve picked up thousands of bacteria just from touching the keys. Ditto if your bathroom door has a doorknob, and if it’s a curtain instead like mine, it’s filthy for a whole new set of reasons.

At the end of the day, we humans are basically huge, lumbering apartment complexes for hordes of microbes warring to be the first to get us to choke to death on our own vomit.

But never in my wildest flights of germophobic fantasy did I imagine it would come to this. Ladies and gentlemen, the snow is no longer trustworthy.

Snowflakes can only form when ice crystals have some material to cling to and grow on, and a new study has shown that about 85% of the time, that “material” is bacteria. That means catching snowflakes on your tongue is basically like enjoying a tootsie pop whose center is a deadly contagion.

Admittedly the bacteria the study found was one that harms only plants, but let’s not kid ourselves; it’s only a matter of time before the Ebola virus hitches a ride on some “white death” and cripples our nation’s most precocious, innocent, and precious resource: comedy bloggers.

Well, no thank you Jack Frost. Next Winter I’ll be staying in a dark, unventilated room stocked with plenty of my favorite meal: open dishes of chicken broth.

And you want to know something I won’t be doing in that room? Having sex with teen girls. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m not allowed near them. Rather, I cite this recent study showing that 1 in 4 teen girls in the US have an STD.

Statistically, that means that after an average night “on the town,” I stand to contract no less than 1/16th of a venereal disease! Well, that’s just a chance I’m not willing to take.

Women, stop spreading and start drinking tap water. Why, you ask? Because if you’re not going to treat your STD’s, maybe some of the prescription drug cocktail coming out of your faucet will knock the sucker out.

Once again, the tampering of mankind puts aright what nature set awrong. That old guy that wrote Frankenstein sure was ignorant.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael designs sanitary bunkers as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Star Trek Orgasms

Guilty confession: I’ve never really watched Star Trek before. I vaguely remember seeing this one episode with all these weird glowing rocks in a cave that paralyzed a few dudes for some reason (I think it was Kirk and Spock), but for the most part I have no reference point. Don’t get me wrong - I’m sure it’s a great show and everything. I just never really watched it.

Consequently, I have no idea if this video clip is dirty. I mean, sure, it SEEMS kind of dirty I guess, but this could just be what Star Trek was like most of the time and I’d have no idea - I never watched the show before, remember? Were simulated orgasms a major part of the show? Is that why Star Trek was so popular?

If I were making a sci-fi show and I wanted it to be popular, I’d try to throw in as many simulated orgasms as possible. Seems like a recipe for success if I’ve ever heard one. I’d also guarantee one decapitation, six fart jokes and tons of animals dressed up like people in every episode. Oh - and I’d bring back that chick with three boobs from Total Recall. Where has she been, anyway¹?!

¹ Answer: here and there. Isn’t it weird how taking a role that becomes popularly known as “that chick with 3 boobs” can bring your career to a screeching halt? Oh, wait… no, that’s actually not weird at all.

Next time you get home from school only to shed your backpack, slam your bedroom door and collapse in frenzied weeping onto the bottom bunk because Brittany already has a date for Winter Ball, take some comfort in the knowledge that Pteranodons used to do the exact same thing.

Researchers at Berkeley have just concluded a study indicating that dinosaurs reached sexual maturity during their teenage years, just like me! Of course, dinosaur puberty had a few differences:

But despite these divergences, I’m sure awkwardness with the ladies still plagued our saurian brothers. After all, no T-Rex is going to be able to work up the nerve to ask a girl to the tar pits when he’s all self-conscious about his gimp arms.

And unlike human teens, his inability to reach his own genitals meant the sexual frustration was totally insurmountable. At least not without rubbing himself against a rock or getting an accommodating Dimetrodon friend to help him out, and the guys that did that were never quite the same.

How do the scientists know that all this is true? Well, as one researcher put it, “They wouldn’t be ovulating if they weren’t of reproductive age.”

Careful; that motto can get you in trouble in most states.

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes paleontological videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Movie Trailer: Teeth

Rather than try to explain this trailer, I’ll let the movie’s website¹ do the talking for me:

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant… A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence.

I’m all for going to see a movie about Vagina Dentata, but the critics are already tearing this film apart. I’m talking, of course, about the vicious panning the trailer has received in the comments on YouTube:

“rofl, ok so she has a evil vagina? rofl nasty, maybe she has herpe’s” - justintfan

“MAH VA JAY JAY IS EATIN MEH!!!!” - Swifted17

I think they’re being needlessly harsh on this flick. Remember when There’s Something About Mary came out and everyone was freaking out about the infamous semen scene? Now there’s a wad in someone’s hair in pretty much every movie that comes out. Teeth could - no, WILL - do for Vagina Dentata was Mary did for money shots. Factor in the current superhero trend that’s going on and, if nothing else, you’ve got an awesome new female villain for pretty much every 2008 summer blockbuster.

¹ Yes, this is a real movie, and yes, it was screened at the Sundance Film Festival.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Aiko: The Worst Fembot Ever

Le Trung, founder of Project Aiko¹ is eager to prove to the world that his fembot isn’t CG smoke & mirrors. “It’s real,” he says. “You can touch it.”

Designed to do “basic stuff” like give directions to the bathroom, “cancel your going to the movie” and “pain sensations,” Aiko is well-suited to do most of the things your average consumer would look for in a fembot. Most things, that is, with one fairly major exception.

Maybe this makes me a pervert, but I always kind of figured that people who are in the market for a fembot are looking for something to have sex with. That being said, Aiko seems like a bit of an ice princess. If I’m going to have to fight with her to even get to second base, then maybe Aiko isn’t the right fembot for me². Also, that wheelchair gives her a sort of polio vibe that I’m not entirely comfortable with. I’m going to assume she’s still in beta³… and I’m NOT going to make the joke I was going to make about marketing her as a product called “Paraplegic RapeBot 9000.”

That would be tasteless.

¹ From ProjectAiko.com: “If you have any old or new clothes that you don’t need, you can donate to Aiko. She has been wearing the same clothes for months. Height 151cm Bust: 80cm Waist: 57cm Hip: 84cm”

² If I was in the market for a fembot, which I am NOT.

³ Listen for the Windows error ding five seconds into the video to further reinforce this assumption.

⁴ This sure is a lot of footnotes for a blog post about having sex with robots, isn’t it?

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According to a recent survey, 76% of Cracked readers believe that the Earth is about a hundred years old and was created by Superman, our nearest planetary neighbors are Vulcan and Endor, the Moon is in Uranus (get it?!), and Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes is better than the original (”because of the ’splosions and boobs”).

In order to rectify this shocking state of misinformation, I hereby inaugurate a new feature which will provide for both the edutainment and infocation of you, the readers, and prepare you for exciting careers in the scientific field (as janitors): Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! So let’s begin by examining three big sciencey stories in today’s news.

First up is the revelation that a previously unremarkable comet in our solar system has apparently OD’d on Comet Growth Hormone and is now bigger than the sun:

A comet that has delighted backyard astronomers in recent weeks after an unexpected eruption has now grown larger than the sun. … “It continues to expand and is now the largest single object in the solar system,” according to astronomers at the University of Hawaii.

It’s natural at this point to ask, “Should I be freaking the fuck out?” Well, you came to the right place, my friend, because I am the one person who will give you the answer straight up: Absolutely God damn right you should be freaking out. It’s bigger than the damn sun, for crying out loud! I would advise you to a) immediately begin giving away your most prized possessions—such as your complete unopened set of first-series Transformers cards and collection of bizarre Japanese porn—preferably to me, b) frantically try to carry out your most outrageous sexual fantasy, no matter how illegal, immoral, or unsanitary, and c) tell your mother you love her, even if you don’t really mean it because she never bought you those Crunchberries you wanted so very badly. As a matter of fact, tell her to stuff it.

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I don’t know about you, but when I heard the Spice Girls were getting back together, I had to rethink my whole masturbation schedule. I mean, how could I get these ladies into my rotation? Who would get bumped? Vanna White? Paula Zahn? The actress who plays the mom in my Tivo’d episodes of Alf? So many fine ladies.

It was a hard decision. And I started to think maybe I just didn’t have room for the Spice Girls. If only this had happened last year when Joan Collins hit 73 and was replaced with a younger more nubile Ann Margaret. 66! ROWR!

But then I heard that the Spice Girls were gonna be pole dancing!

A source tells British newspaper The Sun, “The girls all agreed that a pole dancing section in the show would be fabulous and sexy. And they wanted to get some proper lessons from professional dancers.”

Pole dancing! That’s awesome. I haven’t been this hot since I saw Sophia Loren do the limbo! So I’ve readjusted my schedule, and I’m now devoting Wednesday afternoons solely to these smoldering vixens. I’ve also declared Thursday, “Heal up from chaffing day.” Sorry Martha Stewart and Goldie Hawn. It couldn’t last forever.