Sex tapes have become a basic staple of the Internet diet. Shocking as it may seem, literally dozens of celebrities apparently have sex, and now we know about it.

But I was still honestly surprised to read about the upcoming release of a Jimi Hendrix threesome tape. And by Vivid no less, whose stable of fine actors fill out the cast of my personal favorite adult movie of all time, XXX Pirates (the only porn to my knowledge featuring fully CGI skeletons and ghalleons).

I mean, it used to be that barring a major grave robbery, you could kind of count on your post-mortem legacy being secured. Now we’ve got Monroe and Hendrix boning on camera, and it’s only a matter of time before sexstorians dig up more compromising footage of our favorite dead.

After all, there seems to be plenty of money in it; Vivid plans on selling the 11-minute clip of a man “closely resembling Hendrix” as a forty-dollar DVD. For that kind of money, he’d better break into the solo form All Along The Watchtower at the moment of climax.

And so, as this horrorshow we call the Internet continues to consume more and more of our lives, and allows us all to indulge in the cravings for celebrity depravity we all share, then I’d at least like to put in my personal requests. Are you listening, people who comb through estate sales looking for old reel-to-reels of celebrities fucking? Here we go.

5. Celebrity: Claudette Colbert

Why I Want to See it: For my money, Colbert is the most beautiful woman ever put to black and white film. And as the (I presume) grandmother of Stephen Colbert, watching her have sex in high-contrast spectrovision is probably as close as I’ll ever get to meeting him. And that’s good enough for me.

Favorite Imagined Highlight: The guest appearance from Palm Beach Story’s “weenie king,” now 108 years old and hung like a kielbasa that’s been left out in the sun.

4. Celebrity: JFK

Why I Want to See it: Basically I just want to see a President’s weiner, and it seems like JFK’s the most likely candidate (unless Obama makes good on his promises to pants Hillary at her inauguration). There was a good chance a Monroe sex tape would have included him anyway, so I think we’re due.

Favorite Imagined Highlight: When John awkwardly tries to reference “the Cuban missile crisis” during initial insertion, and finally upsets his bedmates with an unflattering comparison to “the bay of pigs.”

3. Celebrity: Lucille Ball

Why I Want to See it: You know it’s going to be feisty, wacky, and interracial, and there’s not a lot more you could ask for in a sex tape that doesn’t involve things I’m not willing to discuss with you.

Favorite Imagined Highlight: When Lucy reenacts her famous chocolate factory routine by stuffing dildo after dildo into every possible orifice while they come relentlessly down a conveyor belt Desi built just for that purpose.

2. Celebrity: Groucho Marx

Why I Want to See it: I’m a huge Groucho fan, and everything I’ve learned about the man leads me to believe that his sex would either be riddled with hilarious one-liners or silent, seething, and smothered in self-loathing. Either way, I’ll buy a ticket just to watch his shoe polish mustache end up all over a lady’s nethers.

Favorite Imagined Highlight: When Harpo and Chico burst in to explain that there was a mixup with the condoms, and Harpo starts honking wildly as Groucho mugs to the camera and says “good thing I never use any.”

1. Celebrity: Sacajawea

Why I Want to See it: Because it would be the most beautiful, elegant, and dignified sex tape ever recorded. Also, the historical implications of its existence would be staggering.

Favorite Imagined Highlight: When the noble Indian woman directs Lewis and Clark to the exact location of the clitoris.

Addendum: The Monroe sex tape just got debunked, and the Hendrix one is highly dubious, as I mentioned. Hey, if we’re already faking them, all the more reason to fulfill the requests on my list. Get on it, Hollywood!

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael imagines the genitals of dead people as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

So as I was looking for something to blog about today, I spotted a news story claiming that a film of Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex was recently sold at auction in New York to an anonymous buyer for 1.5 million dollars.

“That’s not about the Olympic torch you dummy,” I said, chastising myself for my lack of blogging focus. “How are you supposed to write about that, you retard?” (I really get down on myself sometime when I get writer’s block.) It was then that I remembered a bit of advice my journalism professor gave me back in University: “Don’t always write about the Olympic torch. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Wise words. And so it’s with his stern advice in my heart that I bring you this non-torch related story, about a blow job from history.

The first question this story raises: what kind of person spends 1.5 million dollars on a single piece of pornography? I would suggest that spending 1.5 million dollars on pornography over a lifetime is a pretty normal thing to do, but to do so all at once? What kind of person would do that? Like one of the profilers depicted in NBC’s semi-popular drama “Profiler,” I began to mentally assemble an image of what the likely subject would look like - a process complicated by the fact that I don’t live anywhere near New York and also by some pretty significant gaps in my police-work education. Consequently, the only millionaire pornography-enthusiast living in New York that I could come up with is Cracked editor Jack O’Brien.

I haven’t actually confronted Jack with my sleuth-work yet, because if I did so there’s a danger he’d find out I still work here, and prompt him to ask the question: “what are you still doing here?” - a question I don’t readily have an answer too. Technically speaking then, I don’t actually have proof that Cracked has a copy of said sex tape, and probably shouldn’t have titled this blog update “Cracked Purchases Marilyn Monroe Blow Job Tape.” Fortunately for me, “being sure” or “doing research” has never really been what this site is all about, a lesson I learned after that “Cracked Purchases George Wendt Hand Job Tape” fiasco from a few months back.

Anyways. Back in the real world, the anonymous purchaser of the film reportedly promised to not publish the tape, out of a respect for Marilyn Monroe’s privacy. However, he didn’t say he was going to destroy it, which suggest to me he is going to masturbate to it at least a little. Nevertheless, I’ll give him credit: not publishing the tape on the Internet is a pretty noble thing to do, and I applaud his effort. I purchased a similar tape once in an attempt to defend the honor of Tommy Lee, only it turned out I got there several months too late.

The most interesting part of this story stems from the gossip that the unidentified man receiving the very expensive hummer in the film may have in fact been world class cocksman and sometime-president John F. Kennedy. Even more interesting is the news that a copy of the film also ended up in the hands of the FBI, where J. Edgar Hoover devoted tremendous resources towards proving that the man in the video was indeed JFK. The link above mentions “a team of nine individuals analyzing the tape in a lab.” “Porn Analyst” sounds like it could be kind of a fun job, until you realize that it would probably involve hours upon hours of staring at grainy images of cock. A fine hobby, but lousy work.

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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

Well, I’ve done it. I’ve watched the Gene Simmons sex tape just so that I can discuss it for the benefit of you heathen monkeys. Do you understand the sacrifice I’ve made here? I expect rose petals strewn at my feet wherever I go, including to the kitchen where I will grab a steak knife and gouge out my eyes.

As for the tape itself, it features the same grainy cinematography we’ve come to see as the standard in our celeb sex tapes. Honestly, where would the Meg White, Paris Hilton, Screech, and Sizemore tapes have been without obscuring, impenetrable gray fuzz screening us from the horrors occurring before our eyes?

Frankly, I thank the Lord that for some reason, despite living in a time when cameras the size of a push pin can deliver stunning color and clarity, all the people taping past-their-prime celebrities having sex are apparently doing so on old Hi-8 cameras smeared with Vaseline.

There are really only two notable things about the tape. Firstly, these clips where Simmons’ gal pal, when not slamming her stunningly huge and stunningly fake breasts against one another like someone trying to start a fire, refuses his repeated attempts to kiss her. I’m guessing she was worried his massive tongue would somehow reach into her body, then find and crush her still-beating heart. KISS used to have him do it on stage to kill time while Ace Frehley went to the bathroom.

The second interesting thing is the fact that everyone seems shocked. How could Gene Simmons, second only to Wilt Chamberlain in the field of bimbology, betray his longtime girlfriend by sleeping with a blond Austrian supermodel in a hotel room far away while on tour promoting energy drinks? Answer: with his penis, his t-shirt, and absolutely no emotion whatsoever.

Honestly, it’s as if the guy’s just so used to banging whatever women are around that he considers it a diplomatic duty. I wouldn’t be surprised if their sexual relationship began with a fifteen-minute break between public appearances and the sentence “well, I guess we should, you know…” followed by a long sigh and a tic mark in a tattered leather notebook.

All of which makes it a little disingenuous to make your sex track “I want to know what love is.” Seriously Gene, if you haven’t figured it out by this point, I doubt putting your junk inside this girl’s junk is going to provide the epiphany you’re looking for.

You’ll get there some day, though you be weary and offensive to the senses. Fight on, gentle soldier, fight on. Oh, and sorry about how (much more) fucked up your kids are about to be.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes amateur sex tapes as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!