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Crippled Fembots and Your Mom in the Bone Zone: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Tuesday, November 20th, 2007


Awesome Video Of The Day

Aiko: The Worst Fembot Ever

Le Trung, founder of Project Aiko1 is eager to prove to the world that his fembot isn’t CG smoke & mirrors. “It’s real,” he says. “You can touch it.”

Designed to do “basic stuff” like give directions to the bathroom, “cancel your going to the movie” and “pain sensations,” Aiko is well-suited to do most of the things your average consumer would look for in a fembot. Most things, that is, with one fairly major exception.

Maybe this makes me a pervert, but I always kind of figured that people who are in the market for a fembot are looking for something to have sex with. That being said, Aiko seems like a bit of an ice princess. If I’m going to have to fight with her to even get to second base, then maybe Aiko isn’t the right fembot for me2. Also, that wheelchair gives her a sort of polio vibe that I’m not entirely comfortable with. I’m going to assume she’s still in beta3… and I’m NOT going to make the joke I was going to make about marketing her as a product called “Paraplegic RapeBot 9000.”

That would be tasteless.

1 From ProjectAiko.com: “If you have any old or new clothes that you don’t need, you can donate to Aiko. She has been wearing the same clothes for months. Height 151cm Bust: 80cm Waist: 57cm Hip: 84cm”

2 If I was in the market for a fembot, which I am NOT.

3 Listen for the Windows error ding five seconds into the video to further reinforce this assumption.

4 This sure is a lot of footnotes for a blog post about having sex with robots, isn’t it?

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Posted in Nooners, Science, Sex, Video | 12 Comments »

The Love that Dare Not Beep its Name

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

You’ve heard the arguments, of course—that gay marriage will lead to a moral permissiveness which will rip apart the very fabric of our society. What they fail to mention is that this slippery slope may also lead to a future filled with funky robot lovin’, according to one scientist:

“My forecast is that around 2050, Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots,” researcher David Levy told LiveScience… At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, “but once you have a story like ‘I had sex with a robot, and it was great!’ appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I’d expect many people to jump on the bandwagon,” Levy said.

Assuming that Dr. Levy is correct—and let’s face it, if they can put a man on the moon, there’s no reason they can’t give us the infinitely more important robotic sex machines we all deserve—here are six sultry cybernetic models which I believe should be first off the assembly line:

kellyl1.gif
Model: The Lisa
Inspired by: Kelly LeBrock
Build: Makes Farah Fawcett look like Pat Benatar
Hair: Brown, flowing dramatically backwards into some kind of timewarp or something
Pros: Imparts lessons about life, love, and believing in oneself to troubled teens
Cons: Sometimes visited by unpleasant martial-arts-programmed ex-husband “Seagalbot 3000″
Memorable quote: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, or made of titanium.”

pris1.gif
Model: The Pris
Inspired by: Darryl Hannah
Hair: Blonde, broomlike
Build: Almost so manly it’s hard to believe we used to think she was a sex symbol
Pros: Stylish use of eye makeup, low-cost plastic wardrobe
Cons: Homicidal robot boyfriend, unhealthy relationship with “other brother Darryl”
Memorable quote: “Standard pleasure model”
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Posted in Robots, Science, Sex | 8 Comments »

Monkeys vs. Dogs: Who Makes a Better Astronaut?

Tuesday, September 25th, 2007

Laika - the first (and most awesome) dog in space.Since most CRACKED readers are obsessive-compulsive basement dwellers with an unhealthy fixation on arcane Soviet-era space programs, I’ll assume that most of you already know that the 50th anniversary of the first Sputnik launch is right around the corner. The Sputnik program paved the way for manned missions at a time when people (even scientists) were scared to send human beings into outer space. It’s easy to laugh at such naiveté today, but remember that hindsight is 20/20. Even though everybody now knows that space travel is simple, affordable and not even that big of a deal (kind of boring, really), back then the cosmos seemed a whole lot scarier. What happens when you go into space? Does your head blow up? Are there monsters up there, and if so, what do they eat? Is there food around, or should I bring a sack lunch? They had no idea! To find out, mankind had to do a few practice runs. Unfortunately, there were no astronauts yet back then, so the USA and Soviet Union were forced to use the two next best things: monkeys and dogs.

We may have completely mastered space travel a long time ago, but that’s no reason not to pay homage to those brave monkeys and dogs who risked (or lost) their lives in pursuit of the greater good, those furry fellows who wanted nothing more than to see their captors colonize the moon, or possibly Mars. Maybe that would mean no more pulling levers when the light bulb turned on. Maybe the electric shocks would stop, and they could finally sleep. Yes, sleep… Precious, precious sleep…

But I digress. In homage to those great monkeys and dogs, I’d like to take a moment to remember them in a way befitting their greatness: in a no-holds-barred cage match. Monkeys vs. Dogs, winner takes the much-coveted title of “Better Astronaut.” The games begin after the jump!

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Posted in Dogs, Monkeys, Science, Space, Sputnik | 4 Comments »

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