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LiLo Leaves Rehab Sober, Realizes Her Career Is Over

Monday, October 8th, 2007

With LiLo leaving rehab after a solid month locked up in Utah’s hellish Cirque Lodge (which, if their website is to be believed, offers substance abusers all the benefits of pristine landscapes, horseback riding and awesome-looking helicopters), her next move is anyone’s guess. Will she return to Hollywood and feebly attempt to “work” again, or is she seriously considering going back to school as some have suggested?

“Despite what so many people think, Lindsay is an incredibly smart girl and always wanted to have that college experience.

“She has looked into a few institutions on the east coast and will most likely major in something like psychology. At this stage, New York University is a hot favourite.”

Which “college experience” is she talking about, exactly? The one where her roommate turns out to be a devout Catholic but they learn to get along despite their differences? Eating Kraft Easy Mac in a pair of flannel pajama pants? Penny draft night?

Can you imagine sharing a dorm room with Lindsay Lohan? It would probably be cool for about ten seconds. First you’d be like “Whoa - this girl can party,” but then you’d be like “Whoa - this girl can’t stop partying.” I smell a reality TV show in here somewhere. It’d be like The Real World meets Survivor meets a ravenous red-headed drug-wolf: LiLo moves into an NYU dorm for incoming freshmen, and anyone in the building who manages to actually pass their classes wins. Oh - and one of her roommates will be “ethnic” in some way - maybe Chinese or Indian or something.

There should probably also be a former-army drill sergeant who lives in the dorm and forces her to study. That’ll make it like those send-my-bratty-kid-to-boot-camp specials on daytime talk shows, only way more awesome because instead of being a bratty kid it’s a bratty mid-20s celebrity with substance abuse problems. He can wake LiLo up really early and calls her names and stuff. I think I’ll call it Making The Grade. Are you reading this, FOX?

Posted in College, Lindsay Lohan, Rehab, Rumors | No Comments »

Pamela Anderson, Rick Salomon and Paris Hilton Require Your Undivided Attention

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

pamrick.jpgImagine for a moment that you’re Rick Salomon. What does that mean? It means that you grew up rich among the upper echelon of Hollywood’s elite, but your crowning achievement is changing camera angles while receiving a blowjob from Paris Hilton… without interrupting the blowjob. That’s actually nothing to sneeze at, come to think of it. I can’t think of anything that Paris has ever done that can trump it, except maybe surviving this David Letterman appearance without killing herself in front of a live studio audience.

So if you’re Rick Salomon, and the entire world has already seen you railing Paris Hilton, where do you go from there? Apparently, you go get a marriage license with Pamela Anderson. Then you tell Tommy Lee that he did a bad job of fucking your bride-to-be in their sex tape. Then you’re in the news again for a few seconds and your name will be fresh in our minds when your sex tape accidentally “leaks” in a few months. Sly fox, that Rick Salomon!

Here’s what you have to look forward to when that Anderson/Salomon sex tape inevitably surfaces:

  • Classy camera angles like “shaky handheld” and “boring tripod”
  • Exotic locales like “on a bed” and “in the bathroom next to the shitter”
  • A really clever title like “One Night In Pamela”
  • Director’s commentary, bonus grunt track

OK! Magazine is now (quite responsibly) reporting the reason Pam’s rushing off to the altar: SHE’S PREGNANT! How do they know? An anonymous tipoff provided all the evidence they needed, apparently:

“She definitely looks like she’s got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!.

Good enough for me! Pamela Anderson is definitely pregnant with Rick Salomon’s baby!

To be honest, it sounds like they might be jumping the gun a little. Those two are way more likely to spawn some sort of terrifying new STD than a baby. Come to think of it, someone should probably forward this story to the World Health Organization. If anyone needs me I’ll be at the free clinic.

Posted in Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Pregnancy, Rick Salomon, Rumors, Sex Tapes | No Comments »

This Week In Leaked Tapes: Meg White And Rodney Dangerfield?!

Monday, September 24th, 2007

After canceling a White Stripes tour citing Meg White’s “acute anxiety” on September 11th, a mediocre-at-best sex tape is now floating around the web featuring a girl who kinda sorta looks like Meg White (NSFW). Is there a correlation between White’s “anxiety” and this tape, or was she just nervous about another terrorist attack on 9/11? She never struck me as much of a patriot. I watched the video (for research purposes, of course - CRACKED has always been known for its tradition of responsible journalism), and while I can’t say for sure if it’s Meg White or not, I can say with authority that it’s definitely a video of two people boning. Good enough for me. What do you guys think?

In other news, Rodney Dangerfield’s wife Joan is suing a former friend to prevent him from making public “highly private, extremely sensitive and very personal” video footage of the late comedian. He says it’s for a documentary that he intends to premiere at Sundance next year, but it’s also 200 hours of footage - there’s probably some fucking in there somewhere. When that one leaks I think I’ll probably skip it.

Okay, fine - maybe just a peek.

Posted in Meg White, Rodney Dangerfield, Rumors, Sex Tapes | No Comments »