Rarely does a Cracked blogger get to break a news story that’s guaranteed to excite and enthrall the readership. Today, I have been blessed with the opportunity to drop the knowledge bomb that is destined to leave your synapses flame-scoured and quivering, and your brain-villages nothing but smoldering piles of memories of rubble.

Activision, the visionary game studio that unleashed the rock with Guitar Hero III, have announced that the next installment of the game will have…wait for it…more instruments!

It’s the kind of genius development idea so clearly brilliant, you wonder how it hasn’t been thought of before. But I guess it took the big, juicy brains at Activision to make that dream a reality.

While they’re still nailing down which instruments to implement—may I suggest recorder, tambourine and harmonica?—the smart money is that they’ll end up using the four cardinal rock instruments: guitar, bass, drums, and vocals. Groundbreaking.

I mean, think about it! Anyone who’s ever picked up a bass knows it’s identical to guitar in every way, so the hardware’s already there! Throw in a mic and drum set, and you’re ready to form some sort of Rock Band!

But the brain train don’t stop there (toot toot!); they’ve already got their future developments sewn up as well. Stop tying up the phone lines at the patent office, people, Activision has already purchased the rights to the titles “Guitar Villain” and “Drum Villain.”

What’s more, early Internet buzz describes Drum Villain as a game so evil, every sinister strike of the high-hat embezzles money from a third world aid organization, and each malevolent thud of the kick-drum rapes a nun. G-damn, am I into that.

I’ve got to say, I am stoked about the fresh, fresh, fresh gameplay being offered here, and especially Activision’s promise to include a lot more “local bands” in the line-up.

Why the hell would I want to play a Radiohead or AC/DC song when I can rock out to The Hip Thrusters’ latest garage-recorded powerhouse “Light this shit up?” Why, I ask?!

I wouldn’t is the answer. I would not.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m hard at work on a rhythm game I hope to sell to Activision as soon as I’ve worked out the bugs. It’s called Boogie Boogie Uprising, and it’s so fresh you’d think it was the Prince of Bel Air.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael drowns in a thick layer of his own sarcasm as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

The holiday season is fast approaching, and so, like a herd of digital wildebeest designed to trample the Simba of your financial stability, are a slew of games either you or your insufferable children will find utterly irresistible. In deference to the Donkey Kong on so many of our backs, a few news items from the world of gaming.

1. Rock Band Song List Released

I don’t know about you guys, but Guitar Hero 3 has dominated most of the free moments of my life this week. A very dear friend purchased it and brought it over for all to enjoy, and enjoy we did. Aside from some nagging cosmetic changes due to Harmonix giving up the reigns (the lead singer’s giant, poorly modeled chin is something out of an existential nightmare), it’s fairly solid. The timing is ever-so-slightly off compared to GH2, but you’d only know that if you were a loser like me who plays it incessantly, and the song list is one of the strongest of the franchise.

No wonder then, that Rock Band, Harmonix’s own genre-expanding entry into the beat game market, shares five of its tracks with its discarded stepson. The rest of the tracks mirror the same sensibilities: a good mix of thrashers, emo and classic rock, and a complete list can be found here. Now all you’ve got to do is assign some friends to each instrument and start pretending you have musical talent.

2. Virtual Theft Case Actually Taken Seriously

Second Life, a massive online “game” (in the loosest sense of the term) has spawned more bizarre sex/gaming news than I care to relate, probably because it’s essentially nothing more than a giant chat room with graphics and places where furries can go to dance provocatively with one another’s avatars. The latest is this article about 36 people suing some guy for stealing the code for virtual sex toys they built and distributed for actual, American, God-fearing cash.

Upon reading the article, my first response was to wonder what broader implications this case will have concerning things like virtual property, intellectual theft, and the like. My next impulse, which totally superseded my first one, was a deep sense of sorrow that in the event this case makes it to the Supreme Court and sets any sort of legal precedent, our children will henceforth learn about a burgeoning sector of law by reading about “the case of the stolen dildo blueprints” in their Social Studies classes.

3. They’re WHAT now?! That’s AWESOME!

Smash Brothers: Brawl for the Wii was already easily the most exciting game of the season for me: the other installments have been incredible, this one promises to utilize the Wiimote in new and arousing ways, and you get to play as Sonic the Goddamned Hedgehog, far and away the video game character with whom I associate the most fond childhood memories. Yes, I was a Sega kid; sad for me. But now I know all the heartbreaks, all the Sega CDs and 32xs and Dreamcasts have been worth it, because the new Smash Brothers game is going to include a level design feature.

At last, no more jumping from giant retarded pink ball to giant retarded rock-snake or knocking your opponent across the screen only to be hit by a car and fly off the level. Finally, I can craft the perfect Smash Brothers level: a single platform, floating in black space, with a smaller platform suspended above it. Ahhhh. Just imagining it feels so damn good.

People who are diligent enough to spend hours mastering a video game that simulates playing an instrument but too lazy to learn an instrument, rejoice! The release date of Harmonix’s Rock Band, the most technologically advanced and therefore nerdiest karaoke machine ever, has been moved up to December 10th. No more must you plod through Guitar Hero 80’s Edition. The shred has returned.

The game will allow up to four players to stumble through cover songs by playing bass or lead guitar, drumming, or singing. Yes, each of those actions requires a peripheral device, setting the total cost to play the game at a hundred and fifty bucks for you PS2 owners and one seventy for you PS3 owners (all eight of you rich fucks). That set of course includes only one guitar, so there’s another twenty right there. That gives you a little over a month to decide which of your three friends is going to shell out and let you come over to sing your rendition of “Hit me With Your Best Shot.”

Also, in pathetic news, the Sex Pistols apparently reunited in the studio to record their own tracks. When you’re covering your own songs so someone can play them on five brightly colored buttons, you might want to reconsider that whole “seminal revolutionary” image.

Complete track list.