What’s With All These Stupid Robots?!

I might not know anything about building robots, but based on these two clips, it seems like the people who actually build them don’t either.

In the first video we’ve got some sort of mobile garbage can that can walk around like a crab, roll dice, and bang on its own head while repeating the same Japanese phrase over and over and over again. Which would be pretty convenient if you wanted to start a gambling operation for quadriplegics in your house or something, but we all know that quadriplegics don’t gamble much, and even if they did, what makes you think they’d want to do it in your house and not in a regular casino? Also, what if they don’t understand Japanese? That’s like inventing a robot to help gay Eskimos come out to their parents, or to teach Latvian orphans how to panhandle; it’s a great idea, but what are the rest of us supposed to do with it?

Then we’ve got the second one, which serves such little purpose that it pretty much has to be an art project of some kind. A pair of dismembered robot legs that periodically shoots fire while aimlessly pushing around a shopping cart? I’ll admit that’s kind of awesome, but again, what are we supposed to do with it? Should we look at it and think about the artist’s statement on mindless consumerism? Sorry, robot maker: Dawn of the Dead did it better. Is it supposed to make us think about the homeless problem? I’m looking at it right now, but the only problem I’m thinking about is how bad these robots suck.

I’ve been banging this drum for a while now, but maybe if I keep at it I can get the robot-making community to listen. If I were them, I know I’d definitely want to take advice from a Cracked blogger with absolutely zero knowledge of engineering. Is an enormous mechanized iron monstrosity with flesh-searing lasers and projectile weapons so much to ask for? Actually, screw it - pretty much ANYTHING with flesh-searing lasers would do. If you’re reading this, guys who made these two robots, just add flesh-searing lasers and we’ll be good to go.

See - I’m willing to compromise, robot-making community. Now it’s your turn.

MIT’s Nexi MDS Robot

So apparently they’ve come up with a new kind of robot over at MIT. They’re called “MDS” robots, which stands for mobile, dexterous and social. According to the project’s website, the robots are meant “to support research and education goals in human-robot interaction, teaming, and social blah blah blah words words words.”

Congratulations, MIT: somehow you found a way to make robots boring.

Here’s what the so-called “geniuses” over at MIT completely forgot: designing robots that attempt to act like humans is LAME. What the hell happened? Did I go to sleep last night and wake up in a shitty mid-90s anime flick? Am I supposed to be dazzled because some robot can make a few facial expressions and point at stuff? I make facial expressions and point at stuff all the time, but you don’t see me bragging about it on YouTube, do you?

If you’re reading this, MIT guys, let me give you some advice. I bet you never thought that one day you’d be taking advice from a blogger on Cracked.com, huh? I never thought I’d be giving you guys advice either, and yet here we are. Crazy world.

The way I see it, MIT guys, there’s no point in trying to make robots that do stuff that humans do (like making facial expressions and pointing at stuff). Instead of that, why not try to make robots that do stuff that human beings CAN’T do? Since it’s so difficult for you guys to actually come up with good ideas, I’ve done you a favor and made a list. Wake me up when you make a robot that can:

Okay, I’ll admit it: those would all be pretty shitty robots. I guess that’s why I don’t go to MIT.

Robotic Dogs Are Coming To Kill You

Remember when everyone was freaking out about killer bees? Back in the 90s they were the imminent threat du jour, pressing northward in a buzzing swarm of honey, stingers and death. We were completely terrified knowing that these insanely aggressive bees were coming to destroy us all…

And then nothing happened. The killer bees never really showed up (other than in a few parts of the southwest), America turned its attention to other, more pressing matters (like, oh, I don’t know… TERRORISM?), and the vast majority of our great nation avoided the stinging wrath that was supposed to have been the killer bees.

That being said, allow me to introduce you to our latest national crisis. Fuck a bunch of bees¹ - we’ve got robot dogs² to worry about.

Why would the scientific community do this to us? Don’t we already have enough to worry about in the world without robot dogs running around our forests, adding knowledge to their AI databases until they’re ready to come kill us all with ruthless efficiency? What possible reason did scientists have to create such a thing? I can only come up with a few possibilities:

All perfectly valid, but none of them really do anything for me. The only benefit I get from this development is that I now get to live with the knowledge that there’s a robot dog out there somewhere; one that can almost certainly outrun me on pretty much any type of terrain. Thanks, scientists.

¹ Warning: Do NOT actually attempt to fuck a bunch of bees.

² I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s a “Robot Dog” wikipedia entry.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Elektro: The Smoking Robot

Robots are everywhere these days: assembling our cars, detonating our landmines, and freaking out our cats. They’re simplifying our lives in new ways all the time, taking over tasks that we’d rather not do ourselves, and while that’s great news for those of us that are too lazy to freak out our own cats, let’s face it: despite their functionality, today’s robots are a total snoozefest.

It was a different story back in 1939, when Westinghouse premiered Elektro at the New York World’s Fair. Weighing in at 265 pounds, Elektro “spoke” off of pre-recorded 78 rpm records, had “eyes” that could distinguish between red and green light, and could walk on command. He also smoked cigarettes and knew a handful of terrible pick-up lines.

Today’s robot manufacturers could learn a few things from Elektro. Why can’t they make a Roomba that’ll hit on my girlfriend, or smoke cigarettes, or do anything cooler than SWEEP MY FLOOR? You’d think between the advances in technology and decline in morality that we would’ve come up with a really awesome robot by now, one that can kick ass, talk trash, cook food and literally shit out awesome new next-gen video game consoles. Instead we’ve got Roomba, the magical plastic disc that can sweep your floor. If Isaac Asimov were alive today, I’m not sure if he’d be bummed out or relieved. Although I’ve never actually read any of his books, so I guess that makes sense.

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You’ve heard the arguments, of course—that gay marriage will lead to a moral permissiveness which will rip apart the very fabric of our society. What they fail to mention is that this slippery slope may also lead to a future filled with funky robot lovin’, according to one scientist:

“My forecast is that around 2050, Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots,” researcher David Levy told LiveScience… At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, “but once you have a story like ‘I had sex with a robot, and it was great!’ appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I’d expect many people to jump on the bandwagon,” Levy said.

Assuming that Dr. Levy is correct—and let’s face it, if they can put a man on the moon, there’s no reason they can’t give us the infinitely more important robotic sex machines we all deserve—here are six sultry cybernetic models which I believe should be first off the assembly line:

Model: The Lisa
Inspired by: Kelly LeBrock
Build: Makes Farah Fawcett look like Pat Benatar
Hair: Brown, flowing dramatically backwards into some kind of timewarp or something
Pros: Imparts lessons about life, love, and believing in oneself to troubled teens
Cons: Sometimes visited by unpleasant martial-arts-programmed ex-husband “Seagalbot 3000″
Memorable quote: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, or made of titanium.”

Model: The Pris
Inspired by: Darryl Hannah
Hair: Blonde, broomlike
Build: Almost so manly it’s hard to believe we used to think she was a sex symbol
Pros: Stylish use of eye makeup, low-cost plastic wardrobe
Cons: Homicidal robot boyfriend, unhealthy relationship with “other brother Darryl”
Memorable quote: “Standard pleasure model”
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