The Greatest News Headline You’ll Ever Read
Friday, March 7th, 2008
I gotta tell you, folks, there’s nothing more disappointing than spending four hours on an eight-page commentary on the life and times of Patrick Swayze as a tribute before he dies, only to find out, (and from the News on Cracked, no less), that he isn’t even fucking dying. So I will not be running that tribute today, as I had originally intended, but you can rest assured that it was tasteful, moving and it just might have healed the world a little bit. I would have moved you readers to tears with this tribute, but that shark-eyed bastard decided he’d rather stay alive a little bit longer. Selfish, really, if you think about it. I’ll hold on to it in case he ever does decide to move on to that great big Road House in the sky.
So, let’s move on to lighter news. Before I proceed, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of me: I don’t normally read the National Ledger. In fact, I rarely venture far from this site to get my daily news, (which is why I learned about Swayze’s immortality through Lex Friedman), but I may have to start checking out the ole’ Ledger.
See, I was doing various Google searches, (“Hannah+Montana+Bitch,” “Hannah+Montana+Cancer,” “Hannah+Montana+Daniel+O’Brien,” “Hannah+Montana+Snake-Monster?”), when I stumbled upon quite possibly the greatest headline the internet has ever seen. That’s right, the National Ledger reports that “Despite Hannah Montana Success, Miley Cyrus is ‘Lonely.’” The story goes on to point out another episode of the awful, Christ-hating Miley And Mandy Show wherein Miley whines about being alone. What a bitch, right? Seems like all the fame, money, and success in the world can’t compensate for the fact that you’re fat-eyed Snake-Monster, can it? (It can’t.)
Man. I can’t wait till she turns 18 and I can legally murder her.
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