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Riots on The Cracked Blog

Mexico Just Got A Whole Lot Awesomer (There’s Emo Blood Involved)

Friday, April 4th, 2008

Some would call my suddenly blogging about Emo kids a transparent attempt to plug the newest Those Aren’t Muskets! sketch. Those people would do well to chill the fuck out and enjoy some embedded video. I’ll meet you on the other side with some exciting news about Mexico.

Well, here we are on the other side. Hopefully you’re not all laughed out, because I have some tragically hilarious news to share with you. Specifically, that Mexicans have once again done the dirty work we couldn’t do ourselves by beating the living crap out of a bunch of eye shadow-wearing, spiked hair-having, My Chemical Romance-listening Emo kids.

You read that correctly (unless you didn’t); there are currently riots raging in Mexico during which people rove the streets, muttering to one another about “these goddamned kids with their striped shirts and black nail polish” (in Spanish mind you), looking for gaggles of hipsters sitting on a parking lot divider to hit with a two by four.

They follow the sounds of Dashboard Confessional like a homing beacon, and then release their collective fury on behalf of all of us who have ever heard a Death Cab for Cutie album and thought “Jesus, does this asshole seriously want me to feel sorry for him because he feels bad about cheating on his girlfriend? I’d like to punch him in the mouth.”

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Posted in Emo Kids, Mexico, Music, Riots, Rockabilly, Scenesters, The Warriors | 76 Comments »

In The End, The Slogan “Free Tibet” Barely Won Out Over “OH SHIIIT, I’M ON FIIIRE!”

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Hey, remember this guy?

You can call him crazy, but he did something more extreme than anything you or I (especially you) would ever even consider doing for anything, except possibly to bring about the creation of a triple-stuffed oreo.

But he did it for Tibetan independence, one of the last remaining “classic” causes. The slogan “Free Tibet” has been around so long that when you see it on someone’s shirt you can’t be sure whether they’re a political activist or just bought it at Busted Tees as an ironic throwback.

It’s been decades since then, and a couple thousand hippie love-ins, a few roasted monks and one The Golden Child later, Tibet is still under imperial rule.

Well, it must be the full moon or something, because shit is getting serious again. I’ll recap:

TIBET

  • Laid back ruler who stresses peaceful protest, universal oneness and wears flowing yellow robes all day.
  • A tiny nation of inoffensive people totally geographically isolated from everyone else who want to be their own country.
  • Official political statement: “Resuming dialogue is the only option.”
  • Best damn pizza this side of the Himalayas.

    • CHINA

  • Sends us poison in crates labelled “food” and toys made of roofies.
  • Are making the Olympics totally depressing.
  • Official political statement: “We will resolutely crush Tibetan Independence forces.”
  • Only kind of pizza you can find has chicken eyes on it.

    • It’s kind of hard to sound sincere harping on something so obvious but for fuck’s sake already: FREE TIBET. China, unless you’ve got some desperate need for a supply of cheap yellow robes, you have no reasonable excuse for what you are doing.

    Now they’re fighting back, and you take it as an excuse to call them “insurgents?” What the fuck were they for the last thirty years of totally peaceful protest? You suck, your coal mines suck, and your quality control guys need to get a serious talking to before they just start sending us crates of poison gas.

    Remember that monk. He fucking DID that. Our founding fathers did a lot of shit for our independence, but they sure as hell didn’t light themselves on goddamned fire. This guy knows what he wants, in a way and to a degree that should get your attention, if not your respect.

    And China can call him an “arsonist” all they want; he’s still way more badass than John McClane walking over the shards of glass at the end of Die Hard.

    Although McClane would probably still win in a fight. Unless the flaming monk managed a good pin early on, but then it’d just be sort of a tie.

    But I digress…FREE TIBET!

    When not blogging for Cracked, Michael practices self-immolation as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

    Posted in China, Independence, News, Protests, Riots, Tibet | 42 Comments »