Home > Blog > » RIAA

RIAA on The Cracked Blog

Ashley Dupre to Headline SXSW 2009!

Monday, March 17th, 2008

For some reason, I’m filled with a fetishistic glee at the ongoing demise of the record industry. Maybe it’s just the nerd in me thrilling to the birth of a new distribution medium, or maybe it’s that growing up, Dad used to break Velvet Revolver records on our backs when we were bad.

Whatever the case, I was pleased to see that even the most routine happening in the music world—like the start of the SXSW music festival in Austin—is as a matter of course paired with a discussion of record executives jumping out of office windows to their deaths and RIAA lawyers furiously and laughably suing people they choose at random off the street.

The next interesting thing to see will be where bands are making money once physical media is purchased only by anachronistic hold-outs who get off on self-indulgent liner notes (ie, Gladstone). The consensus in rock journalism seems to be that we’re going to return to the era of the wandering minstrel, when musicians earned their keep only through live performance and the occasional ballad about dragon slaying.

Which is romantic, but would probably lead to the premature dissolution of a lot of great, broke future bands. The more likely reality is that musicians will be getting a larger share of their own profits, and more directly, but they’ll have to be a little more clever about finding ways to generate it:

  • Releasing “special edition” sets for the hardcore fan
  • Touring more and pushing merchandise
  • Looking under all the seats at the stadium after each show for change (that shit adds up)
  • Phasing out drummers and bassists, to lower overhead (I’m looking at you, Flea, you useless hunk of dead weight)
  • Charging groupies for sex. And I mean Eliot Spitzer money.
  • Of course they’ll have to offer a souvenir, like a nice signed photo of the sex act and a piece of chocolate with the band logo on it.

    Speaking of Spitzer, there’s the new paradigm in action for you right there. Governor fucks prostitute, prostitute releases R&B singles online, prostitute becomes rich 98 cents at a time. That’s very likely to become a classic story as home production and distribution gets easier.

    So I guess what I’m saying is entering a new age of music distribution isn’t necessarily going to make any of it any better. You’ll just get it differently. Like getting fucked in the ears with an ice pick instead of a seed drill. And that’s nice, right?


    Vote for Michael’s entry in the YOUTUBE SKETCHIES II Semi-Finals by clicking this link, then “next video” on the randomizer until you see his (”The Hot Farts”), then on the thumbs up. Complicated, isn’t it? Well, do it once per day per registered youtube account.

    The RIAA Are Huge Dicks. This Title Has No Joke In It.

    Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

    The RIAA went from something I didn’t know existed to something I hate with an undying passion faster than anything other than Van Helsing and turkey slapping. On several occasions, I have written about their big, fat, stupid antiquated doings and why they deserve to be choked to death with Rosie’s exercise unitard.

    So what are the filthy bastards up to now? Ensuring that their scheme of blackmailing people by threatening legal action is universally applicable. RIAA lawyers now claim that you are violating copyright law if you rip a CD you own to your own computer.

    That’s like saying anyone who paints a painting or draws a sketch of any copyrighted material is a law breaker, and I’ll be damned if the pigs are going to arrest me for my notebooks filled with sketches of Hannah Montana.

    The lawyers claim it’s illegal because the user is transferring the music into a medium “not of the artist’s choosing.” By that logic, I shouldn’t be allowed to whistle anything from the new Rogue Wave CD because, after all, aren’t lip-formed atmospheric vibrations an “unauthorized medium?”

    What does this mean for you? Probably nothing, unless you’re unlucky enough to be selected at random from millions of liable people and sued by the RIAA. If that happens, you are now not only liable for that copy of P.S. I Love You on your hard drive, but also every song on your iPod you can’t prove you bought through iTunes. Start saving those e-receipts, folks.

    And for the record, the Rogue Wave thing wasn’t product placement, I just like them. In fact, I think I’ll go rip their new CD to my iPod.

    Comic maliciously pirated from Toothpaste For Dinner.


    Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!