Yes, Florida is actually trying to split into two, with one half (presumably the one with Disney World) remaining a part of our glorious nation and the other (Universal Studios) sinking into the sea where it belongs.

And readers, I implore you: if you live in Florida, SUPPORT THIS MEASURE. Then move to a less shitty state. I hear Wyoming’s got room.

Let’s face facts. Florida is the wang of the United States for a reason: it’s a magnet for disease, usually smells bad, and at times (Spring Break, Mardis Gras, any other Girls Gone Wild-related calender event) it’s filled with wriggling white creatures who are just passing through.

Well, I say enough. Florida, don’t let Cuba hit you on the ass on your way out.

And believe me, I don’t take hate lightly; until now the only things I’ve hated are the chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants in Europe, dogs who act like they want it and then are all “yip yip yip” when it’s time to get down to business, and Judd Apatow (Grr! I hate him so much! Grr!). So when I say “I hate Florida,” I say it as someone who’s never gone near the hellhole and never will.

“But Michael,” you ask in your effeminate voices, “why so angry?”

“Shut up,” I answer, and then I ride away on my Harley.

But okay, just to humor you.

First off, if the liberal media I subscribe to is to be believed, you fuckers and your goddamned butterfly ballots stuck us with an idiot President and an expensive, highly fatal war in the Middle East, rather than just a boring, inoffensive President who invented the Internet. By my calculations, that means you owe us 500 billion dollars (and counting), the execution of Jeb Bush, and a public apology.

Secondly, they want to teach their ugly, incestuous kids Intelligent Design. Intelligent Design is about as intelligent as the people in Florida, which is to say not very. Until religion can do any of the following things:

Then it has no right being taught as science or, for that matter, even being presented to our children. Yes, that’s right; I am firmly against children even being exposed to religion at school.

Middle School is a place to lose all faith in a higher loving power, and taking that experience away from our young people is just plain unfair. If I had to go through it, so should they.

Religion and school are like milk and gin; you can mix them if you want, but you’re just going to end up with a terrible taste in your mouth and a clogged kitchen sink. Alright, maybe that’s not exactly what it’s like, but I didn’t want to use a metaphor that would shoot over the heads of the mongoloid Floridian “readers.”

Bottom line: Get the hell out, God. And if you’ve got a problem with that little scenario, I’ll be waiting. You know where to find me (I presume).

Lastly, I was never that close to my Grandparents, and old people make me uneasy. What do they know that I don’t?

So do your duty, Americans (while you still are ones) and vote for Floridian secession.

It’s the right thing to do, and if you’re stupid enough to follow the advice of a Cracked blogger, you deserve no better.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes enemies states at a time as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

La Pequeña Amy Winehouse

In case you haven’t heard, the Catholic Church has announced that some new sins have been added to the list. No joke. If you are a practicing Catholic, you now have seven additional “social sins” to worry about: everything from polluting the environment to using birth control to “excessive wealth” now constitutes a “social sin” and will totally make you go to hell forever.

What does this mean to you? Probably not a whole lot (unless you were about to throw a used condom off the side of your yacht), but I think there are a few more that need to be tacked onto the list:

I’m sure there are plenty more that I’m forgetting… anyone have any ideas?

12-Year-Old Kid Breaks Computers, Destroys My Entire Belief System

I’ve always considered myself a fairly rational person. I was brought up in an atheist household, never received any formal religious training, and have always generally believed that unusual occurrences can be explained by science. Or I did, anyway, until I watched this video. Now I know that science can’t explain everything… and I’m completely fucking terrified.

Why does this kid break every computer that he touches despite appearing completely normal otherwise? They called in a guy with all kinds of testing equipment to check it out, a bunch of reporters from a local news outlet investigated it, and there’s still no answer?! How is this possible?! I need an explanation here. If we can have 12-year-old kids running around calling themselves “Magneto Man” and baffling the experts (of Richland, New York no less!), then it’s only a matter of time before I believe in ghosts, leprechauns and Jesus.

So that’s great. Thanks a lot, internet - now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to church. Yeah - that’s something I do now. Or wait… what do they call the Jewish version of church again? Whatever it is, that’s where I’m going. Either there or to the forest where all the leprechauns and ghosts hang out. I’m pretty sure they drink together there at night. I should go, get loaded and think about Jewish Jesus. Between the ghosts, leprechauns, Jewish Jesus and getting loaded, that would be… FOUR BIRDS WITH ONE STONE!

That has to be some sort of record, doesn’t it?

A recent article in the New York Times highlighted a study that finds more than a quarter of Americans have left their faiths in order to join a new religion at some point in their life — a number that jumps to over 40% if we count all those wishy-washy Protestant faiths. In terms of levels of commitment, this puts religion at roughly the same level as claiming that your favorite ice cream is chocolate, or that “you’ll only drive a Ford.”

The report goes on to outline how this trend has been growing in the past few decades, with all religions gaining and losing adherents at roughly equal rates, with the notable exception of those who claim no affiliated religion, a group that has been steadily growing in numbers since the early 1990’s. As a side note, can it be a coincidence that this rise in faithlessness began at almost the same time television’s Murphy Brown bore a child out of wedlock? The answer: yes, probably.

So what is the reason for this growing trend towards people changing faiths? Rather than talking to a bunch of people who have changed religions, or even reading the rest of the article I linked above, I’m simply going to make up a few reasonable sounding answers below.

Reasons cited for changing religion

Convenience, e.g. nearer place of worship, better parking, etc…

More fashionable clothes/accessories, e.g. red string bracelets, ceremonial daggers, enormous hats

Prior to a marriage, e.g. prospective Father in Law insisted upon it.

After a divorce, e.g. ex-Father in Law insisted upon it.

After a divine message appeared in my Alphagetti.

Just a super-big Cat Stevens fan, and this was the only way to get on his mailing list.

New Pope has shifty eyes. (ex-Catholics only)

Old religion considered many things I do a sin; changing religions easier than giving those up.

Following conversation with Burning Bush.

Following conversation with Tom Cruise.

___

Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

60 Minutes - Magic Mormon Underpants

60 Minutes is generally regarded as one of the most successful shows in the history of television. Reporting on major world events since the heady days of Vietnam and Watergate, the show has won numerous awards for groundbreaking journalism over the years. In 1983, they even managed to free a Texan named Lenell Geter who was wrongly convicted of armed robbery. It’s more than a television show; it’s an American institution.

YAAAAAWN! BORRRRR-ING!

Thank God they left that all behind at some point and decided to focus on something that matters: dumbing down their program in the pursuit of ratings. From the perspective of a Cracked blogger, this was a real blessing. You know what’s not really all that hilarious? The Vietnam War, Watergate and wrongful incarceration¹. You know what IS hilarious? The phrase “sacred undergarments.” Say what you will about credibility, dignity and journalistic integrity, but can any of those things really hold a candle to hearing a grown man say “sacred undergarments” repeatedly in a would-be serious tone?

Ordinarily this is the part where I’d go off about how Mormons are stupid and sacred undergarments are ridiculous, but as someone who gets into horrific boating accidents on a nearly constant basis, I’d really like to get my hands on a pair of those suckers. I can think of worse things than getting the occasional compliment in the locker room, too. I honestly can’t remember the last time someone turned to me and said, “Hey, Ross - neat undergarments!” That makes me sad.

Maybe those Mormons are on to something. They sure seem to smile a lot, don’t they?

¹ Despite being on the air for 40 years, for the sake of this blog post those are the only three things that 60 Minutes has ever reported on.

Okay folks, time to set aside such weighty matters as Tom Cruise’s gun, Val Kilmer’s gut, and the amazing vocal talents of Gladstone, and once again turn your attention to those matters least deserving of attention… the Unnecessary News!

Asshole Adonis: Mustachioed macho-man Burt Reynolds told reporters recently that he hates looking at pictures from his 70s-sex-god days because they make him look like “an asshole.” The Cannonball Run II star much prefers recent photos, which make him look like an asshole with a really shitty facelift.

Nothing and Nobody: In accordance with my solemn vow of January 4th, nothing reportedly happened to no person this week, much to the shock of no one. Despite the fact that Starpulse is clearly baiting me, I steadfastly report that no half-unclothed person made any non-statement to any public employees regarding said lack of clothes or that non-existent person’s attractiveness, nor wrote any suicide notes, nor purchased any reproductive diagnostic tests at any time. It just didn’t happen!

And finally, in the item voted “Most Likely to Earn Me a Death Threat”:

Papal Bull: Just in time to be ten years too late, Pope Benedict XVI has lashed out at the colossally successful Harry Potter franchise. The Supreme Pontiff (shown here in his “Bad Santa” costume) argued in the Vatican’s newspaper L’Osservatore Romano that the popular books and films could lead children towards an “unhealthy” interest in Satanism, and away from healthier pursuits such as giving priests handjobs.

Unnecessary, I tell you!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Dr. Gene Scott Is Angry, Loud

Sometimes I feel like I’m not passionate enough about anything. I don’t have a heartfelt belief in any sort of supreme being, I eat factory-farmed animals, I don’t recycle… when someone asks me if I want to donate a dollar to the blah-blah-blah foundation I usually say “Nah - I’m good.”

TV preacher Dr. Gene Scott (star of Werner Herzog’s God’s Angry Man), on the other hand, might have had TOO MUCH passion. From the looks of it, it made him ornery.

“Delivering long, sometimes rambling, sermons and biblical scholarship, Scott became known for his quirky stage persona as much as his preaching skills. He frequently employed comical props — including an ever-changing assortment of headgear and hats — chomped on cigars, occasionally swore, and played clips of pretty young women dancing during breaks in his presentation.”

I’m not going to pretend to understand what it’s like to be a lunatic televangelist (something I doubt I will ever experience firsthand), but it seems to me that Dr. Scott did it with about as much style & finesse as you possibly can. It’s like he was channeling Jesus, the Devil and your violent, brain-damaged, alcoholic uncle all at the same time. Only louder and angrier and more focused.

Oh - and way more terrifying.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

The Athiest’s Nightmare

Being Christian must be hard. You’ve gotta sit in front of a fake lake with Kirk Cameron all day and talk about how bananas prove the existence of God. Then the cameraman starts chuckling, and you’re like “CUT! What’s so funny, Steve?” but that just makes him laugh even harder and eventually he has to go outside to get some air. Then the key grip starts laughing and the gaffer is turning red in the face and then they both have to leave. Eventually it’s just you and Kirk, sitting all alone in the bible warehouse in front of the fake lake backdrop. You still don’t know what was so funny, but by then it’s getting late and you have to go to church.

All that hassle and headache, and all because Christians aren’t allowed to make dick jokes. Instead they have to prattle on and on about soda cans and bananas while becoming an ACTUAL, LIVING DICK JOKE THEMSELVES. How ironic.

(more…)

Roman Catholic Bishop Donald Pelotte of Gallup New Mexico recently called 911 to complain he was the victim of a home invasion and that “…gentle little people, about 3 to 4 feet tall, and wearing Halloween masks”. Pelotte spent the duration of the invasion, about three to four hours, hiding in a closet.

While I am neither a Roman Catholic nor a detective (And in the interests of full disclosure, I should add I am a Jewish Unitarian and am lucky if I can detect my way into pants each morning) it seems to me there are several aspects of this story that don’t add up. If you would imagine the distinctive “Law and Order” sound effect at this point, you’ll find it makes the story more enjoyable.

If these ‘Little People’ were ‘gentle’ why did the ‘Bishop’ feel called upon to hide? If they were wearing ‘masks’ who can the Bishop be certain they were ‘people’ at all, and not, say, Jawas or perhaps the Geiko lizard, who has invaded my house after ‘happy hour’ on more than one occasion?

And what does Bishop Pelotte mean by ‘Little People’, precisely? Is he employing the polite term for midgets and or dwarves? Were they Leprechauns? Or, most terrifying of all, Children?

While police found no one in the home. Children cannot turn themselves invisible, and while it is widely held that midgets can, this is a superstitious old wives tale and frankly offensive. Dwarves also are visible to the naked eye at all times, even Gimli son of Gloin, who while supernaturally hardy possessed no magical powers per se. Did these so-called ‘detectives’ even consider that the alleged ‘Gentle Little People’ simply fled? Or, if house elves, disapparated in the nick of time? Or here’s another line of inquiry worth pursuing. Perhaps Bishop Pelotte has only ‘half a sandwich’ in his ‘lunch bucket’.