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Rehab on The Cracked Blog

At What Point Can We Consider Social Darwinism Reversed?

Monday, December 10th, 2007

Here’s Jessica Sierra, performing the king of all lame metaphor songs “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on American Idol in 2005:

Now here she is three days ago, right after getting arrested for fighting with three cops outside a club in Tampa:

Besides her radical, Madonna-esque reinvention as a meth-chic diva, how has Sierra helped nurture her stellar career in the music industry? Well, there was the obligatory sex tape, complete with yet another photo (right) that I’m sure has a special place on the Sierra family’s mantle.

Alright kids, who wants to watch that have sex?! See, when I watch it, it’s research for an article. When you people do it, it’s sick.

But the thing that elevates Jessica far above your average, ordinary self-destructing non-celebrity is contained in the last sentence of the AP article covering her most recent arrest:

“She entered a California rehab facility in July that was to be documented on VH1’s reality show “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew” next year.”

The woman, or rather the Producer maliciously filming her unstoppable downward spiral to fill a couple hours in VH1’s programming schedule, is a marketing genius. After all, the only thing we like better than watching another human being elevated above the common throng and singled out by Paula Abdul for their extraordinary talent is watching someone ground so thoroughly under God’s boot heel (God has a Western thing) that this happens to them:

In related news, look for these exciting reality shows on VH1 next season!

  • TMZ TV: Paris Hilton Cries for Twenty-two Minutes
  • The Anna Nicole Show: Tasteless Death Clips Edition
  • Flava of Prostate Cancer
  • My Super Sweet Secret Abortion
  • I Love New York 8: Cold and Alone
  • Hogan Knows the Pain of a Failed Marriage
  • LiLo Leaves Rehab Sober, Realizes Her Career Is Over

    Monday, October 8th, 2007

    With LiLo leaving rehab after a solid month locked up in Utah’s hellish Cirque Lodge (which, if their website is to be believed, offers substance abusers all the benefits of pristine landscapes, horseback riding and awesome-looking helicopters), her next move is anyone’s guess. Will she return to Hollywood and feebly attempt to “work” again, or is she seriously considering going back to school as some have suggested?

    “Despite what so many people think, Lindsay is an incredibly smart girl and always wanted to have that college experience.

    “She has looked into a few institutions on the east coast and will most likely major in something like psychology. At this stage, New York University is a hot favourite.”

    Which “college experience” is she talking about, exactly? The one where her roommate turns out to be a devout Catholic but they learn to get along despite their differences? Eating Kraft Easy Mac in a pair of flannel pajama pants? Penny draft night?

    Can you imagine sharing a dorm room with Lindsay Lohan? It would probably be cool for about ten seconds. First you’d be like “Whoa - this girl can party,” but then you’d be like “Whoa - this girl can’t stop partying.” I smell a reality TV show in here somewhere. It’d be like The Real World meets Survivor meets a ravenous red-headed drug-wolf: LiLo moves into an NYU dorm for incoming freshmen, and anyone in the building who manages to actually pass their classes wins. Oh - and one of her roommates will be “ethnic” in some way - maybe Chinese or Indian or something.

    There should probably also be a former-army drill sergeant who lives in the dorm and forces her to study. That’ll make it like those send-my-bratty-kid-to-boot-camp specials on daytime talk shows, only way more awesome because instead of being a bratty kid it’s a bratty mid-20s celebrity with substance abuse problems. He can wake LiLo up really early and calls her names and stuff. I think I’ll call it Making The Grade. Are you reading this, FOX?