If you’re like me, you’re sick and tired of watching stuff on a regular TV. In fact, if you’re like me, you’re fed up with even HAVING a TV at this point. I don’t care if it’s an old CRT with rabbit ears or one o’ them fancy-pants LCD whatsits hangin’ on the wall; either way it’s time to call up the Salvation Army or Goodwill or whatever and have them haul that embarrassing hunk of garbage out of your house. It’s 2008, and regular TVs are for poor people. You have discerning tastes, you have disposable income, and dagnabit, you deserve a projector that’s shaped like R2-D2.

And we have the technology. Thanks, Nikko Home Electronics.

Complete with inputs for a variety of analog & digital signals, built in speakers, and a projector that can crank out a 260 inch-wide picture, the R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector is 100% guaranteed to fill that void in your empty apartment that your ex-girlfriend left when she moved out on you because you bought an R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector. Gut-wrenching loneliness got you down? Try the Millenium Falcon remote control. Crippling depression and abandonment issues bubbling to the surface after years of suppression? Did I mention the iPod dock?

The R2-D2 is also able to recline and project a signal onto your ceiling. For example, if you had a home movie of you and your ex having a picnic together, and you wanted to project it onto the ceiling above the bed that the two of you used to share so you could watch it while crying and masturbating at the same time, the R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector could TOTALLY handle that without a problem.

You could also use it to watch one of the many fine Star Wars films. Or Terminator 2, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, or Look Who’s Talking Too. Or any other movie you wanted to watch, really. They would all probably work.

The beamz™ Music Performance System

If you’re like me, you have vague, completely unfocused musical inclinations. But if you’re like me, you’ve never actually acted on those inclinations and purchased any sort of musical instrument. Maybe you’ve been busy at work. Maybe it’s family stuff: The kids need to be picked up from school and the goddamn wife needs you to stop at the store and buy milk, leaving you wondering, “How do we go through so much fucking milk in this house? It’s like she’s pouring it down the drain or something.” And you’re right about that - she IS pouring it down the drain - but that doesn’t change the fact that you have to stop at the store and pick up the goddamn milk.

Or maybe you’ve never attempted to learn an instrument because you’re too focused on your career. You know - that career that has consumed your entire life but gives you the luxury of being able to buy $600 gadgets at Sharper Image. Well guess what, little buddy?! The beamz™ Music Performance System is a $600 gadget that is going to solve all of your problems (except the erectile dysfunction).

What kind of music are you into? Do you want to be a classically trained violinist? How about a “one-man rock band”? Do you want to “scratch” your favorite pre-programmed hip-hop “beats” like the real “homeboys” do, or would you rather relax in a darkened room full of your favorite Sharper Image products for a moment of “quiet reverie”? Whatever it is, beamz™ has you covered. You know those boring weekends you think to yourself, “I kind of wish I had to go to work so I’d have something to do”? With the beamz™ system you can kiss those goodbye. Just head down to your “studio” in the basement and tell the wife to let you know when dinner’s ready. Then when people call for you, she’ll answer the phone and be like, “He’s down in his man room playing with his beamz™ again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

And here I was thinking that Sharper Image went bankrupt when all this time l could’ve been down in the basement, playing with my beamz™ and softly weeping.

A Couple Of Things

I spend a lot of time thinking about time machines. More specifically, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to go back in time and witness firsthand if I had one. A bear-baiting event, Zeppelin live at Earls Court and the Boston Molasses Disaster all used to seem like obvious first stops, but after reading this headline this morning I’m not so sure anymore:

Dr Pepper Will Give Everyone* in America a Free Soda If Axl Rose Releases New Guns N’ Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, In 2008 (*Guitarists Slash and Buckethead Will Not Be Eligible For Free Soda)

Fuck bear-baiting, fuck molasses, and fuck the greatest rock concerts of the 20th century¹ - I’d rather go back in time two months, hide behind a coat rack in a conference room at Dr. Pepper corporate headquarters, and listen in on what must have been the most hilariously misguided marketing department meeting of all time. According to the press release:

“It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as “Dr Pepper for the ears” because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic.”

I understand the thinking behind this campaign - it’s bizarre and random and just the kind of thing that those KUH-RAZY interweb bloggers love to repost and give free viral buzz (case in point) - but it’s too bad that whoever came up with this one doesn’t read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they’d been reading us back then, they’d know that Chinese Democracy is already slated for release in 2008. I’d be completely shocked if the thing actually came out, of course, but still - how awesome would it be if it actually came out and Dr. Pepper owed everyone in America a soda (except Slash and Buckethead)? With a current population of 300 million, assuming each can of soda costs Dr. Pepper one penny, that means this publicity stunt could end up costing them $3 million (or $2,999,999.98 if you subtract Slash and Buckethead). I can’t wait to see how this turns out. Like I literally can’t wait. Fuck - does anyone have a time machine?

Oh - and here’s a video of a midget sliding on his face.

¹ Warning: Do not actually fuck any of these things.

The Coolest Toy Around

If you’re like like me (or any of the other Cracked bloggers, for that matter), you have an absolutely ridiculous amount of disposable income. Figuring out new ways to get rid of all that excess cash can be stressful at times, but hey - that’s why God created Hammacher Schlemmer¹.

For me, personally, it all started with the Flying Alarm Clock. I was like, “Whoa, sweet! The little propeller thing flies across the room and then the alarm won’t turn off until you put it back on the base! What a great way to ensure that I get out of bed in the morning!” Then I picked up a Computerless E-Mail Printer and a Snowboarding Simulator, but for some reason I still felt empty. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong; I was getting rid of all my money, and my apartment with filling up with useless garbage, but for some reason I still felt like something was missing. Then I stumbled across this video and realized what it was:

I needed a Motorized Monocycle.

True - it set me back $13,000. True - it bears a striking resemblance to that Segway parody from South Park. True - I look like a complete ass when I’m riding around on it, but you know what? Those are all small prices to pay for the happiness that owning a Motorized Monocycle brings me.

Except the part about the $13,000, I guess.

Now all I need is a Levitating Hover Scooter. You know - so I have something to tow the Motorized Monocycle with if it breaks down. Oh - and a $50,000 replica of the robot from Forbidden Planet. After that I’ll be pretty much set.

¹ Little known fact: God created Hammacher Schlemmer first thing in the morning on the eighth day.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Elektro: The Smoking Robot

Robots are everywhere these days: assembling our cars, detonating our landmines, and freaking out our cats. They’re simplifying our lives in new ways all the time, taking over tasks that we’d rather not do ourselves, and while that’s great news for those of us that are too lazy to freak out our own cats, let’s face it: despite their functionality, today’s robots are a total snoozefest.

It was a different story back in 1939, when Westinghouse premiered Elektro at the New York World’s Fair. Weighing in at 265 pounds, Elektro “spoke” off of pre-recorded 78 rpm records, had “eyes” that could distinguish between red and green light, and could walk on command. He also smoked cigarettes and knew a handful of terrible pick-up lines.

Today’s robot manufacturers could learn a few things from Elektro. Why can’t they make a Roomba that’ll hit on my girlfriend, or smoke cigarettes, or do anything cooler than SWEEP MY FLOOR? You’d think between the advances in technology and decline in morality that we would’ve come up with a really awesome robot by now, one that can kick ass, talk trash, cook food and literally shit out awesome new next-gen video game consoles. Instead we’ve got Roomba, the magical plastic disc that can sweep your floor. If Isaac Asimov were alive today, I’m not sure if he’d be bummed out or relieved. Although I’ve never actually read any of his books, so I guess that makes sense.

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