Any regular reader of my posts, or indeed even someone who just started reading them Monday (when I made a classic Maria Bello/Isabella Rossellini blunder that, I can guarantee you, will haunt my dreams), will be well aware of my predilection for the adult entertainment feature extravaganza, Pirates XXX.

Friends—and I call you friends because very soon we will be sharing erections and/or moist labia together—I bear incredible news. NOT ONLY is Pirates XXX to receive a sequel, but a trailer has been released on-line.

But wait! Hold that orgasm! O’Briens, put your weirdly shaped dicks back in your unfashionable pants. This is a teaser trailer, without a scrap of porno in it. No, not even a single pirate booby.

Which is exactly why Pirates XXX is the greatest adult film franchise ever made. And it is a franchise; they’ve got the movie, a soundtrack CD, a novelization in progress (written by yours truly), and the opening of Pirates XXX-World in Orlando is sure to crush Disneyworld come July.

The secret to their success is simple: they know that we’re bored with traditional pornography, where a thin, snake-related plotline leads to immediate fucking. We discerning, jaded, viewers want production value and story!

Sure, there’s some filthy strumpet-pumping and bilge-jamming in there, but it’s all to serve the greater arc about the search for a magical staff or somesuch (to be honest, I’ve never gotten all the way through the film).

Okay, without further gushing (pun unintended, but saucy), let’s examine the trailer and see what we can glean about the next installment.

First, they let us know that this sequel is being handled by none other than Joone, Director of the first Pirates XXX. Thank God they didn’t hand the reigns over to some amateur. We are in good hands (that time the pun was intended).

Next, an amazingly-realized storm at sea, entirely CGI. Of course, to get the full effect you’ll need to view the large, high-definition version of the trailer. But trust me, it looks a whole lot better than the shit in A Perfect Storm, and in this movie when there are a bunch of pussies onscreen, they’re not going to be slowly drowning and whining about missing their children grow up. Downer!

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Wikipedia calls Isabella Rossellini an Italian film actress, author, Lancome model, and philanthropist. I’m assuming the last reference is to her appearance in The Cooler, in which a judicious use of her cupped hand spared us all the sight of William H. Macy’s limp dick.

It also tells us that she used to be married to Martin Scorsese, trains guide dogs for the blind, is an official ambassador to UNICEF, and was diagnosed with scoliosis at age 13. Man, Wikipedia is awesome.

But for all of its invasive and blandly worded detailing of the lives of a choice handful of the human beings on Earth, Wikipedia neglects to mention one very important Rossellini fact: that she is batshit insane.

How else can you explain her new series of “Green Pornos?” The made-for-cell-phone shorts feature Rossellini in various bug costumes humping cardboard, which is apparently an environmental message and pornography all wrapped up into one nauseating package. And since it’s for your cell phone, you can masturbate to them virtually anywhere!

Let me tell you something Rossellini; if this is your best attempt at pornography, you may want to stop your slow descent into drugs and self-objectification right now, because it’s a pretty lackluster effort.

First of all, who the hell told you porno was a good place to try and stick an environmental message? Who?! Craig? Fuck that guy. I don’t even know who that is. But I can guarantee you right now that your “Green Pornos” will go down in history alongside countless failed environmental/pornographic videos like Energy Cumservationists, Renewable Natural Re-Whores-es, and that scene in An Inconvenient Truth when Al Gore reams Tipper right there in the shaft of light from the powerpoint projector.

And let’s look at your production value. It’s terrible. Admittedly, this is porno, so we’re not expecting a lot, but your costumes look like they were cobbled together from thrift store clothes for a Third-Grade Performance of Jason and the Shitty Costumes.

If you want to see the kind of care and love that goes into the production of a truly fantastic porno, I direct your attention, as ever, to Pirates XXX. I heard the budget on that thing was in the eight-digits, and three stuntmen died while filming the sinking ghalleon/DVDA sequence. Now that’s dedication to the art.

And finally, when it really comes down to it, they just couldn’t get me over the edge. And believe me, I tried. I tried and I tried. For hours, at work, on the bus home, and nothing. I mean, I may have cum a little during the spider sequence (right when you dug your palpi into her epigyne), but I’m pretty sure it was because I was sitting over the engine and getting some vibration action.

Get your shit together, Rossellini, or this could very well be the last set of insectoid environmentalist mobile media pornography shorts you ever produce.

And again, thanks for cupping Macy’s cock. Really took one for the team there.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael breaks his penis off in his mate’s vagina as a plug for his semen as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!