As the elections grow ever nearer, I find myself forced into an awkward, uncomfortable position which I don’t relish: that of being informed, often against my will, about politics.

Here I am minding my own business, innocently searching Starpulse for terms like “Madonna abortion” and “Spears fucks bear?” only to be confronted by the horrible visage of sober, reflective analysis regarding our nation’s future.

Imagine my relief then, when I stumbled upon this article about Hillary Clinton lying about taking sniper fire during a visit to Bosnia. It’s not only got all of the unnecesarry dramatics of a TMZ article, it focuses entirely on an irrelevant character flaw rather than any issue that will actually affect anything. Perfect blogging fodder!

So here we go: Are we really going to act shocked and angry when we find out a politician has embellished a story in order to impress everyone? Tall tales are the grist of the political machine. George Washington and the cherry tree, Hamilton and his tragic duel, McKinley’s robot eye.

All are beloved political tales, all surely embellished (for example, most historians now agree that the Washington story is apocryphal, and that McKinley’s eye was far less advanced than he led his cabinet to believe).

Getting pissed when a politician lies to you is like getting pissed when a grandparent dies on your birthday. It’s just not their fault; it’s what they do.

Still, the juicyness of it is awesome, and I guess it says something about HIllary’s character. Although adding “liar” to “severe, impersonal cuckoldress” doesn’t really do all that much for me.

Not that I’m against her; I think if women are allowed to vote, we might as well let them vote for another woman (what’s next? Voting horses?!).

But as a blogger and source of impartial observation, I believe it’s my solemn duty to have no political opinions whatsoever. It also keeps me from having to talk to anyone about their political views, which is a huge plus for me.

Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts.

In the meantime, Hillary, try and stick to heroic lies that are totally unverifiable: your battles with stealthy ninja hordes, your out-of-body confrontations with Satan, your intantaneous and invisible savings of various kingdoms of gnomes.

You may not win the election, but you greatly increase the chances your life story will get optioned for film.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael dodges sniper fire as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

The McCain Girls - It’s Raining McCain

Just the other day I had a great idea for a new business: a day care center where random strangers off the street pay by the hour to play with other peoples’ children. It’s awesome because I’d be getting money from both the parents and the random people off the street, and I wouldn’t even need any employees - it’d be just me sitting at a table, counting hundred dollar bills and laughing maniacally.

There would also be a juice bar.

It seemed like a great idea at first, but when I told a friend of mine about it he was like, “That’s the worst idea of all time.” Then he explained all the problems with the concept, and I was like, “Holy shit - you’re right. How did I not think of all those problems you just named?” That’s the great thing about having friends - when you bounce an idea off them, they’re usually more than happy to tell you that it’s terrible.

And that’s how I know that the three girls in this video are not friends. If they were, when one of these women approached the other two and said, “I have a great idea: Let’s make a video of ourselves singing ‘It’s Raining McCain’ and put it up on YouTube,” one of them would have said, “That’s a terrible idea.” If they were actually friends, when one of them wrote down the lyric “I’m gonna go out and let myself get absolutely John McCain,” don’t you think one of them would’ve been like, “That doesn’t even make any fucking sense - this is a horrible idea and I don’t think I want to be friends with you anymore”?

I’m actually starting to think this might have been made by Obama supporters - possibly the same people who made that horrendous Hillary Clinton song - but I don’t really have any time for further investigation; I have this business I’m starting and I’m supposed to be meeting with some of the investors later this afternoon. If all goes well, we’ll be the first all-in-one muffler shop/laundromat/erotic massage joint in America. What can I say? Some people are just born entrepreneurs.

Hillary Clinton - Making Our Dreams Come True

Here’s a surefire formula for completely alienating anyone who might be on the fence about your candidate: make a YouTube account, rewrite the theme song from a sitcom three decades past its prime, then sing it like it’s opening night at the opera in Sturgis, South Dakota and you’re the only fat lady in town.

Could this have really been created by a genuine fan, or is this some sort of nefarious right-wing plot designed to shame the lefties into submission? I can’t say I’d be particularly surprised either way, to be honest. All I know for sure is that this video totally fucking sucks, and even though it’s obviously not an officially sanctioned advertisement, it still kind of makes me hate Hillary Clinton.

If I’d been the brains behind this video, I would’ve done things a little differently. First of all, I probably would’ve used the theme song from Three’s Company:

Come and stop the Iraq war…
America’s waiting for you…
Because this country is hers and hers and his
Clinton for President, woo!

Second of all, I’d make it totally “extreme” and in-your-face. There’d be eagles swooping down and eating field mice (which would be dressed up like terrorists) and sepia-toned Nazis exploding and Stars ‘N Bars and all kinds of other shit crammed into every singe frame, but there’d still somehow be time for one of those crazy slow motion shots of a samurai sword cutting through a soda can or an apple or whatever… FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I’d probably throw in one of those “bullet time” shots, too, only the “bullets” would be barbs from political opponents and the “dodging” would be clever rhetoric and a sane tax plan.

Oh - and last but not least, I would’ve made it for Barack Obama. Minor detail there.

Q: What’s Super Tuesday?

A: It’s a day of the week from the distant planet Krypton, which having escaped it’s own world’s destruction, has traveled across the galaxy and crash landed on our planet, where our yellow sun gives it super powers.

These powers include 1) occurring once every four years, 2) deciding the fate of several states electoral primaries 3) and heat vision.

Q: Ok, so it’s a politics thing. Republicans vs. Democrats and such.

A: Not quite. The primaries are when both the Republicans and Democrats decide which one of their candidates they’ll send into shirtless gladiatorial combat with the other side. This year, 24 states are holding primaries on Super Tuesday, so a strong showing here is considered crucial to a candidates success.

Q: So this is a pretty big deal then?

A: Well it is, unless it isn’t. There’s been a handful of “Must-win” primaries this season already, and they haven’t decided much yet.

Q: So who’s running this year?

Rather than explain where all the candidates stand on the issues (boring!) we’ll just give you the quick snapshot on their most important features.

The Republicans:

John McCain: If he’s doing something you like, he’s a “maverick” - if he’s doing something you hate, he’s a “fucking traitor.”

Mitt Romney: He’s a Mormon, which is either a very big deal, or not a big deal at all depending on whether you go to church much or not. Speaking of which…

Mitt Huckabee: God’s on his side.

On the Republican side, McCain’s the foreign policy hawk who’s hated by the party elite, and lot’s of other people aside from that. Romney’s the economic conservative who’s adored by the party elite, but mistrusted by everyone else. Huckabee’s adored by social conservatives and feared by everyone else. All in all, not a very inspiring bunch. For example, none of them possess the “looks like a guy you could have a beer with” quality that Republicans have looked for in their presidential candidates for the last 8 years or so, and which has proven to be such a crucial element for running a country.

The Democrats:

Hilary Clinton: Woman.

Barack Obama: Black.

On the Democratic side, the debates over the last few weeks have boiled down to one key issue: If you vote for Obama, you hate women, if you vote for Clinton, you hate black people. Barack Obama’s startling rise in the polls over the last month has forced Democrats everywhere to confront a very difficult question: “Do we hate women as much as we do black people?”

Q: Anything specific to watch out for?

A: For the Dems, the most likely outcome for Super Tuesday may actually be no outcome at all. The polls between Clinton and Obama are very tight, and given the Democratic Party’s wishy-washy method for divvying up delegates it’s possible that no-one will emerge a clear winner at the end of the day.

On the Republican side, McCain’s got a sizable lead in most national polls, and can possibly lock up the nomination with a strong showing today. Romney’s campaign is on the ropes, and needs some good news to keep his campaign going. As for Huckabee, despite his strong support from social conservatives and God, he’s basically been reduced to the role of a spoiler now. He may be able to steal social conservative voters away from Romney in key states – it being widely suspected that social conservatives will vote for anyone but McCain due to his vocal support for gay marriage for illegal immigrants.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Who Let The Dogs Out¹

I don’t support Mitt Romney as a candidate in any way, but I have to hand it to him: he handled this situation with more style & finesse than I ever would have been capable of.

I’ve never seen a black person in real life, but I’ve always considered myself prepared should the occasion arise. I remember reading something in National Review that said you’re supposed to whistle a soothing tune while clutching your valuables & loved ones to your chest, and that always seemed like sage advice to me… until now, anyway.

After seeing this video of Mitt Romney actually attempting to interact with black people, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Could it be that the National Review was wrong? Is that really possible? To reverse engineer this problem, I think we need to try to understand what was going through Romney’s head at the time:

Well played, Romney. Well played.

¹ Answer: It was the Baha Men. The Baha Men are the ones who let the dogs out.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Terrifying Police Dogs

I’m not totally sure where this video is from, so I’m going to be sure not to commit any crimes ANYWHERE for the rest of my life. It seems like it was probably shot somewhere in Eastern Europe in France, but I’m not risking it - the mere idea that these dogs exist somewhere on this Earth is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Did you hear that guy screaming?! Did you see the dog running straight at the guy shooting at it? I can’t think of a single crime that would be worth attempting to pull off if I knew that I might have to deal with one of those things. The only way these dogs could be any more terrifying would be if scientists were able to modify their genes to make them poisonous, and I’m pretty sure that’s just around the corner, too. My prediction: global crime rates will fall dramatically over the next few years. Y’know… because of all the poisonous dogs.

(more…)

It’s time once again to shed your worldly concerns about depressing issues like the global warming whatsit, the War on Whatever, the subprime mortgage doodad, and the fact that you had to scavenge your children’s Christmas presents out of dumpsters (after scavenging those dumpsters out of larger dumpsters)—and ease your furrowed brows with the soothing inanity of the Unnecessary News. It’s hypoallergenic, pre-digested, and guaranteed to work gently by morning. So let’s get crack(ed)in’:

Subliminal Huckbertising: Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been accused of flaunting his religion in a campaign ad which featured Huckabee in front of what appeared to be a floating cross. However, a spokesman insisted the imagery was accidental, saying, “it was supposed to be a burning cross!”

Be Niece, Until it Is Time to Not Be Niece: Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed “with child,” older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it:

… Hours after the news broke on Tuesday, the troubled pop star dismissed the reports. In video footage posted on TMZ.com, Spears is heard telling the paparazzi, “She’s not. My sister is not pregnant.”

However, Britney’s denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: “If you ignore them, they’ll go away.”

Dohertyshambles: The rock band Babyshambles, which is rumored to be among the front-runners for a 2008 Grammy in the category of “Outstanding Performance by a Group whose Lead Singer Has Banged Kate Moss,” was forced to scrap a recent show early after their beloved crooner Pete Doherty took ill:

Doherty… managed to perform eight tracks with his band before he was forced to leave the stage, insisting he was too sick to continue. The troubled star is alleged to be suffering from a bout of flu, which caused him to vomit and faint backstage.

… incidentally, “flu” is British for “drugs.”

Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee is showing the electorate he’s pretty hip for a guy who doesn’t believe in evolution. His latest commercial plays off the popular “Chuck Norris Facts” internet phenomenon:

Okay, not the funniest thing he could have done. (Some Mike Huckabee Facts might have been better, but he gets points for trying.) Still, politics is a competitive game and he’s not the only candidate who knows how to turn internet trends into crafty marketing. Here are some other things we can expect to see as election time closes in.

Starting next month, voters will get a good laugh and Barack Obama will get some much-needed internet-cred with this new website: www.OBAMA4PREZ.com

Soon after, Hillary Clinton will add LOLCATS technology to her her campaign posters:

But it will be Rudy Guiliani who will capture the internet zeitgeist with 1Rudy1Cup:

(This post was made possible by a generous humor grant from the Matthew Tobey Foundation.)