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I’m Better Than John Mayer at a Number of Things

Thursday, May 1st, 2008


Let’s take guitar off the table right away. I’m not better at guitar than John Mayer. Never claimed to be. Guitar is for dicks anyway, so let’s just move on.



Most of the readers of this blog are already intimately familiar with some of my outstanding qualities. So, I’m sorry, but this post isn’t for you. This post is for Jennifer Aniston who, according to this article, is now dating singer/songwriter/total doofus, John Mayer.

Readers, I’m gonna get just a tiny bit personal on your asses: I’m more pretty seriously in love with Jennifer Aniston. I know I’ve been in love with celebrities before, but of all the famous ladies that have stolen my heart, (Jenna Fischer, Danica McKellar, Tina Fey, Jessica Rabbit, Amanda Bynes, and Some Chick from an Invisalign commercial from 2004), Jennifer Aniston is one I could really see myself settling down with. Maybe have a couple of kids, (Aragorn or Billy Dee if it’s a boy, Mary Jane or Ghostface Killah if it’s a girl).

And, to be honest, I don’t really have a problem with John Mayer. I think he’s kinda funny, he seems pretty charming and he’s actually fairly surgical with a guitar.
But Jennifer Aniston deserves the best and, frankly, I’m just better than him at a whole lot of things. In fact, based on my research, I suppose that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to conclude, Jennifer Aniston, that I’m better than John Mayer at everything except guitar. Is that a fair assumption? I think so. Hey, you know what falls into that admittedly broad category of “Things that aren’t Guitar,” Jennifer Aniston?
Boning you silly.
If my research is accurate, I will probably be better than John Mayer at boning you silly. But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. You do, however, have to take Math’s word for it. What do you say, Math?

-If something is a non-guitar-related matter, then I am better at it than John Mayer is.
-Boning Jennifer Aniston is not playing guitar.
-I’m better than John Mayer at Boning Jennifer Aniston.

That’s just logic right there. That’s some mah’fuckin’ modus ponens all up in yo shit.

(more…)

Posted in People I Don't Care About Who Make Blogging Possible, Perverts | 43 Comments »

Apparently It’s Illegal To Have Sex With A Picnic Table In Public: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

Man Caught Having Sex with Picnic Table

On its surface, this story appears to be pretty simple: just your average run-of-the-mill pervert-has-sex-with-a-picnic-table news blurb. Yes, this man had sex with a picnic table on his porch, and yes, this man did so within a stone’s throw of an elementary school, but there’s more to it than that.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we’ve all looked at the umbrella hole in our picnic tables at one point or another and thought to ourselves, “I bet I could have sex with that.” Some of us might have even propped the thing up on its side (just to see if the height thing would be an issue), and sure, maybe there was one particularly dark, moonless night when some among us might have even taken it a step further (just for a minute to see what it was like), but for most of us that’s as far as we’re willing to go. We’re members of a society that doesn’t permit that sort of behavior, and aside from momentary, alcohol-soaked, pontetially career-ending lapses in judgment, we play by the rules.

We understand that having sex with a picnic table in public is illegal.

Meanwhile the fat cats in Washington are in their private backyards, greedily humping away at their picnic tables and laughing maniacally. They hold crystal chalices full of Red Bull, vodka and baby blood (they call it an “Orphan Sunrise”) in one hand, and pens in the other - the very same pens they used to sign the legislation that made it illegal to have sex with picnic tables in the first place. Then they retire to their living rooms, exhausted and drunk after a long day of humping picnic tables and drinking Orphan Sunrises, and they watch this story on the news, shaking their heads and clucking their tongues as if to say, “Oh, how DESPICABLE.”

This isn’t a story about some “freak” and his bizarre sexual habits; this is a story about a class struggle in a system that rewards the rich while penalizing the poor. This is the story of an American everyman, a man who refused to let social mores dictate his behavior. This isn’t a story about a weirdo; this is a story about a HERO.

You know - a hero who dared to fuck a picnic table. On his front porch. While fully nude. In the middle of the day. Right next to an elementary school.

Posted in News, Nooners, Perverts, Video, WTF | 29 Comments »