Let’s take guitar off the table right away. I’m not better at guitar than John Mayer. Never claimed to be. Guitar is for dicks anyway, so let’s just move on.



Most of the readers of this blog are already intimately familiar with some of my outstanding qualities. So, I’m sorry, but this post isn’t for you. This post is for Jennifer Aniston who, according to this article, is now dating singer/songwriter/total doofus, John Mayer.

Readers, I’m gonna get just a tiny bit personal on your asses: I’m more pretty seriously in love with Jennifer Aniston. I know I’ve been in love with celebrities before, but of all the famous ladies that have stolen my heart, (Jenna Fischer, Danica McKellar, Tina Fey, Jessica Rabbit, Amanda Bynes, and Some Chick from an Invisalign commercial from 2004), Jennifer Aniston is one I could really see myself settling down with. Maybe have a couple of kids, (Aragorn or Billy Dee if it’s a boy, Mary Jane or Ghostface Killah if it’s a girl).

And, to be honest, I don’t really have a problem with John Mayer. I think he’s kinda funny, he seems pretty charming and he’s actually fairly surgical with a guitar.
But Jennifer Aniston deserves the best and, frankly, I’m just better than him at a whole lot of things. In fact, based on my research, I suppose that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to conclude, Jennifer Aniston, that I’m better than John Mayer at everything except guitar. Is that a fair assumption? I think so. Hey, you know what falls into that admittedly broad category of “Things that aren’t Guitar,” Jennifer Aniston?
Boning you silly.
If my research is accurate, I will probably be better than John Mayer at boning you silly. But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. You do, however, have to take Math’s word for it. What do you say, Math?

-If something is a non-guitar-related matter, then I am better at it than John Mayer is.
-Boning Jennifer Aniston is not playing guitar.
-I’m better than John Mayer at Boning Jennifer Aniston.

That’s just logic right there. That’s some mah’fuckin’ modus ponens all up in yo shit.

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I was supposed to be on a two week vacation from Cracked. I’d even cleared everything with my editor, Jack O’Brien. But late last night, I got a desperate phone call:

“Gladstone. Come back. I need you.”

By an amazing coincidence, a compliant and sexual curious Gillian Anderson had said the same thing to me only hours earlier. But this was different. This was Jack. And he was in a bad way. At first, I assumed he was still grieving over his ridiculous decision not to feature my Radiohead video on the home page. But, incredibly, it turned out that wasn’t it at all.

“It’s my girlfriend,” he said. “I think. . . I think she’s fucking Justin Timberlake!”

I was shocked. I’d known Jack for almost three years and not once in all that time did it ever occur to me that he was straight. But apparently, as Jack explained, he’d been in a serious relationship with Miranda “LaserBeam” Johannsen —dental hygienist and former American Gladiator— for over six months. I tried to take that all in as I quietly unwrapped the Village People box set I was about to send him for his birthday.

“Gladstone, are you there?”

“Not only am I here, but I know four simple steps to help you find out for sure.”

“Could you tell me?” Jack asked. “And more importantly, could you turn it into a column because, I gotta admit, the blog’s turned to pure crap without you the last ten days.”

FOUR SURE-FIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SCREWING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

1. She Keeps Grooming You To Look More White Trash and/or Orthodox Jew

Seriously, how does he do it? With a minimum of effort Timberlake can go from the kind of trailer trash who puts pork rinds on a fluffernutter sandwich to the truly devout who shuns both pork and shellfish based on passages in the book of Leviticus. Most impressive, is that Timberlake achieves both these extremes in his failed attempts to be Black. I’m not sure why your girlfriend digs this. Perhaps, her first love was Rabbi Scooter Bob Horowitz? But you know what they say: “Once white trash/Orthodox Jew in a failed attempt to be Black, never back.” So odds are good that if she’s bedding down with Timberlake, then she’ll want more of that good stuff from you.

Jack’s Score:

Yes, Jack can be made to look white trash — hell, he does that to himself by shopping at the last remaining Chess King in existence— but make this guy look Jewish? The only time people say “Jack O’Brien” and “beard” in the same sentence is when they’re referring to his girlfriend (who may or may not be fucking Justin Timberlake).

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Every once in awhile the media exalts some random celebrity to renaissance man status. Right now, that man is Justin Timberlake.

First, he was a successful boybander. Then, a hit solo artist. Then he turned up in a movie. It doesn’t matter that it was a rape fantasy soft core midget porn movie; it was still a movie!!

And now the Grammy winner is executive producer on a new show called My Problems With Women.

Wow. Is there anything this annoying, no-talent, scrawny piece of a shit can’t do?

He’s really got it all:

• Crying like a little bitch on Punk’d? Check!
• Satisfying his older lady fantasies with the only “beautiful” woman who bears a resemblance to Max Schmelling? Check!!
• Somehow capturing the look of BOTH redneck white trash and Orthodox Jew? Check!!!

Seriously, enough with this guy. Men will admit that Brad Pitt and George Clooney are attractive. Men don’t even mind that their girlfriends openly masturbate during Oceans 11. But I have yet to meet one dude who looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I wish I looked more like the sniveling little brother of a bayou serial rapist.”

I’m not buying it. Timberlake is not Da Vinci. He’s just some dude. If he were taking your order at the McDonalds Drive Thru, you’d definitely double-check the bag before driving away. And you just KNOW, he’d totally forget the Sweet N’ Sour sauce you clearly asked for.

Am I wrong?

Joss Stone is the new spokeswoman for Cabury’s Flake candy, and according to Starpulse, she’s using her chocolate pimp status to speak out against her critics. What’s she being criticized for? I took a close look at the commercial in question to get to the bottom of the controversy.

Gladstone’s Personal Weight loss update — Total Loss At Day 6: Two pounds.

News has it that Kate Moss is so desperate for a baby that she’s switching to Gwyneth Paltrow’s eccentric macrobiotic diet in the hopes it will help her conceive.

Wow. There are so many odd things about that.

For starters, I’ve never imagined that Kate Moss and Gwyneth Paltrow could live together in the same sentence. Y’know, except maybe in some sort of Goofus and Gallant construction like “At a dinner party, Gwyneth always politely excuses herself before getting up from the table; Kate leaves to snort blow off the hostess’ coffee table.”

The other weird thing is that, although I’ve always been told that Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss are super hot, I’ve never, ever, under any circumstances, been attracted to these ladies. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have these two images emblazoned into my retinas, but even before that, I just never drank the Kool Aid. And, now, after all these years, here they are in one useless celeb story.

But what strikes me most about this report is that Kate Moss was faced with fertility problems and her first solution was to start eating like a pale, once-famous, pseudo Englishwoman.
I think a simpler answer is at hand.

Ms. Moss, I understand your desire for a child, and, if I may, I’d like to suggest an alternative to eating like a rabbit with food allergies.

The key to getting pregnant is predicting when you are ovulating. Accordingly, plot your last menses on a calendar and then count forward 7 – 10 days. Science also tells us that the female body jumps slightly in temperature preceding ovulation. You may want to start plotting your temperature on a daily basis to help you predict the prime time for your chance to conceive.

Then, and this is very important, eat a damn sandwich or something. And stop doing all that blow. You’re trying to conceive a child, not a twitching Dunkin’ Donuts powdered sugar Munchkin.

If you’re wondering when you’ll get a chance to see Sarah Michelle Gellar in the movies again, then you might have to keep wondering. Reportedly, the actress, best known for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was to star in a remake of Alice in Wonderland, but the film has suffered numerous delays.

Gellar told reporters she is certain the movie will get made with her in the lead, but this recording of a call made to her agent indicates the former TV star is less than confident.

Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

So by now you’ve heard all about Britney’s mental collapse. You’ve probably also heard that Dr. Phil –with absolutely no clearance from Britney— was allowed to visit her in the hospital. Real life mental health practitioners have uniformly condemned Dr. Phil for the sabotage. If you think Phil had nobler, treatment-based intentions, then it’s kind of odd to think he would violate patient/physician privilege by blabbing all about his diagnosis to the press.

But there’s another problem here. Why would Cedars-Sinai Medical Center even allow an unsolicited visitor to a sick woman in the first place? Many feel, the Hospital succumbed, inappropriately, to Dr. Phil’s celebrity request for admission over the rights of its patient. Unfortunately, as indicated by this well-researched list, Cedar’s has quite a history of playing fast and loose with visiting rules when it comes to celebrity callers:

After Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt, the Hospital allows access to Michael Bay who then pitches “Armageddon II Oscar’s story.” Bay is finally asked to leave when Wilson starts biting at his stitches.

Lindsay Lohan is rushed to Cedars with a disabling infestation of crabs. Against all protocol, Cedars grants visiting rights to the Gorton’s Fisherman

After undergoing 7 hours of painful English Accent transplant surgery, Madonna is swarmed upon by her last five remaining fans: the cast of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

Michael Moore suffering from diabetes, ischemic stroke, and severe cardiac stenosis is admitted to the Cedars ER whereby the entire medical and pharmaceutical industry is granted access to proclaim, “Who’s your Daddy, now?”

After Anna Nicole Smith arrives at Cedars DOA, the deceased and buxom starlet is greeted by Dr. Phil who declares, “Damn. Better get here earlier next time,” cops a feel, and then leaves.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

So apparently everyone’s saying these pics prove that Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana aka the underage girl that 500 Cracked reader trolls began masturbating to today, likes to have gay sex.

I have to admit it’s pretty convincing evidence. She’s on the floor; there’s another chick there; they’re sharing candy a la Lady and the Tramp. That’s all the proof I need. I mean, if these photos didn’t prove that Miley Cyrus likes to have hot gay sex in hotels with anonymous girls who are also underage, then why would I be masturbating?

I should point out (to the FBI) that “masturbating” is my word for blogging. (But in case you don’t believe me, you should know that sometimes Michael Swaim comes to my house and downloads things to my computer I know nothing about.)

In truth, I agree with Miley who calls these pictures innocent. After all, if these pictures make you gay, the deep tissue massage I gave Lex Friedman to get the blogging job would make me super gay. And I’m not gay. I masturbate to barely illegal Hannah Montana pictures. (Masturbate = Blog). (Until I chafe).

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Well apparently Kate Moss was the most popular celebrity on eBay in 2007, with 30,481 items relating to her sold on the internet auction site.

Wow. that’s an odd stat, but i will accept it as true for two reasons. I got it from Starpulse and they are never wrong, but, more importantly, because I own all 30,481 items. 2007 was a busy year for me. Here’s some of my favorite purchases:

A Kleenex used and discarded by Kate Moss containing mucuus, cocaine, and what’s left of her septum.

An autographed copy of a self-help book entitled “Why Woman Who Aren’t Nearly As Beautiful As Some People Say They Are, But Still Attractive, Date Some Of The Most Hideous Men On The Planet, Specifically, Pete Doherty”

A piece of watercress she nibbled on from 1993-1996

A break-up letter to Johnny Depp reading, in part, “Piss Off you TV loser. You’ll never be a big star like me.”

And, perhaps my favorite, a picture of Kate’s famous Obsession print ad with a special sexy message:

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Former boybander and current openly gay has-been Lance Bass told reporters that he was paranoid about his sexual orientation while he was in NSync:

“I was always watching what I said, what I did. You would learn so many things throughout the years, like, gay people do this and gay people say this. I remember one time someone told me that if you say the word ’so’ a lot, that’s a tell that you’re gay. I was so afraid to say the word ’so’ in anything I did! That’s how crazy things got for me.”

Wow. So Lance was so scared of being outed he stopped saying “so.” And, yet, he walked around with this haircut:

And he was a member of this band:

Clearly, poor Lance was confused during that tumultuous time. Here are some other things I’m guessing he did to hide his sexuality:

• Messed up choreographed dances on purpose.
• Tried to turn straight by staring at Joey Fatone.
• Refused to have sex with Lou Pearlman like the other guys.
• Told female groupies that “flaccid” was the hip, new “erect.”
• Only let Justin get to third base.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.