Home > Blog > » Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton on The Cracked Blog

3,462 People Have A Lot Of Explaining To Do: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

Another Message For Senator Barack Obama Bin Laden

A while back I posted a trailer for a then-upcoming Paris Hilton vehicle called The Hottie And The Nottie. In the post I made the following bold assertion:

“I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.” - Ross Wolinsky

It turns out I blew it: Shockingly, the film has been almost universally reviled by critics and audiences alike since its release! During its opening weekend, Hottie pulled in a whopping $27,696 at 111 locations. Depending on how you want to look at it that’s $249 per screen or, figuring an average of $8 per ticket, about 3,462 total paying customers in all of America… which is actually kind of a staggering number if you really think about it. It might not sound like much for a nationally distributed feature film on its opening weekend, but it’s still enough people to fill a medium-sized high school gymnasium. Doesn’t that seem like way too many? How did 3,462 Americans somehow come to the conclusion that Hottie was going to be worth seeing? Who are these people that plopped down their hard-earned cash at the ticket counter and said “One for Hottie,” and what in the name of God were they thinking?

You might be wondering what the woman in today’s video has to do with The Hottie And The Nottie. Not a whole lot, to be honest, but they do share one trait that I think bears mentioning: She, like the film, is completely fucking retarded.

Posted in Barack Obama, Idiots, Movies, Nooners, Paris Hilton, Video | 34 Comments »

Hotties, Notties, and a Bunch of People With Mouths for Eyes: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

Friday, December 28th, 2007

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Hottie and the Nottie

On a first viewing you might be thinking to yourself, “Dear God - this looks like the worst movie of all time,” or maybe “This is what’s wrong with America,” but you know what? I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.

Basic plot: A guy wants to hook up with a “hot” chick (played by world-renowned sex-haver Paris Hilton) but first he needs to find a mate for her “ugly” friend (played by the unbelievably hideous Christine Lakin). Hilarity ensues, I’m sure, but you know what else probably happens? I would bet you guys money that at some point in this movie the guy learns that beauty is only skin deep, decides that the “hot” chick (Paris Hilton) is actually kind of a bitch, and then realizes in the last 30 minutes that he’s fallen hopelessly in love with the “ugly” chick.

I know it sounds completely fucking insane, but I bet that’s what happens in this movie. With unexpected plot twists like those, I think this could easily be the sleeper hit of 2008. You know - because you wouldn’t think that the main character would hook up with an “ugly” chick, but then he does and it’s crazy because you totally figured he’d end up with the “hot” chick.

Oh, and it also has Paris Hilton in it, who everyone has seen have actual, real-life sexual intercourse. That can’t hurt either.

(more…)

Posted in Internet, Movies, Nooners, Paris Hilton, Video | 12 Comments »

Pamela Anderson, Rick Salomon and Paris Hilton Require Your Undivided Attention

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

pamrick.jpgImagine for a moment that you’re Rick Salomon. What does that mean? It means that you grew up rich among the upper echelon of Hollywood’s elite, but your crowning achievement is changing camera angles while receiving a blowjob from Paris Hilton… without interrupting the blowjob. That’s actually nothing to sneeze at, come to think of it. I can’t think of anything that Paris has ever done that can trump it, except maybe surviving this David Letterman appearance without killing herself in front of a live studio audience.

So if you’re Rick Salomon, and the entire world has already seen you railing Paris Hilton, where do you go from there? Apparently, you go get a marriage license with Pamela Anderson. Then you tell Tommy Lee that he did a bad job of fucking your bride-to-be in their sex tape. Then you’re in the news again for a few seconds and your name will be fresh in our minds when your sex tape accidentally “leaks” in a few months. Sly fox, that Rick Salomon!

Here’s what you have to look forward to when that Anderson/Salomon sex tape inevitably surfaces:

  • Classy camera angles like “shaky handheld” and “boring tripod”
  • Exotic locales like “on a bed” and “in the bathroom next to the shitter”
  • A really clever title like “One Night In Pamela”
  • Director’s commentary, bonus grunt track

OK! Magazine is now (quite responsibly) reporting the reason Pam’s rushing off to the altar: SHE’S PREGNANT! How do they know? An anonymous tipoff provided all the evidence they needed, apparently:

“She definitely looks like she’s got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!.

Good enough for me! Pamela Anderson is definitely pregnant with Rick Salomon’s baby!

To be honest, it sounds like they might be jumping the gun a little. Those two are way more likely to spawn some sort of terrifying new STD than a baby. Come to think of it, someone should probably forward this story to the World Health Organization. If anyone needs me I’ll be at the free clinic.

Posted in Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Pregnancy, Rick Salomon, Rumors, Sex Tapes | No Comments »

Paris Hilton Banned From Oktoberfest for “Cheapening” Two Week-Long Kegger

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

paris The board of directors of the Munich Oktoberfest have decided to ban everyone’s favorite lazy-eyed mogul from attending this year, because apparently during her visit last year she “displayed behavior unbefitting a drunk, selfish, promiscuous, functionally retarded socialite.” Okay, that may not be a direct translation, but German’s a tricky language.

The point is, what do you have to do to get kicked out of a beer festival? That’s like the asshole at a frat party who just finished his eleventh game of beer pong, hurled all over a girl, then proceeded to make out with her, is asking you to leave because you’re bothering everyone

So what did Paris do? Did she strip naked and befoul all the bratwurst? Did she make an unflattering comment about this year’s Miss Beer Gut? Did she read this poem about her aloud? No. She dressed up in lederhosen and tried to shill her own brand of canned wine. At a beer festival. In Germany. Celebrating fine beers. Paris Hilton brand canned wine.

I know they’ve got a shady record, but honestly, haven’t the Germans suffered enough?

Posted in Celebrity News, Paris Hilton | 6 Comments »