Ross Wolinsky is taking a personal day today. Filling in for him will be his grandfather, Pappy Wolinsky.

Hello, internet! How are you all doing? I’m doing fine, thanks!

You know, back in my day we didn’t have much scratch, but that was a different era - one where men wore hats, women wore dresses, and there was never any confusing the two!

We’d do all kinds of things for kicks back then - if we had the dough, we’d get dolled up in our best glad rags and head to town for some giggle water, but more times than not we were left flipping eggshells and spinning nuts - if you could get your hands on them! Hoo wee! We didn’t have the cable TV and Nintendro machines driving us all bugaboo back then! Heck no! All we needed was a bottle of hooch and a dame in the struggle buggy, and anything beyond that was just padding the butler’s ankles as far as we were concerned!

Things were a lot cheaper back then, boy I’ll tell you what! Back then you could get a gallon of milk for a penny, and a gallon went a lot further than it does today - we didn’t have those big fancy drinkin’ glasses you kids have today! I used to drink milk out of a rusty old tin can! There was only one tin can in the house that didn’t have any rust on it, and everyone knew that one belonged to Pa. It’d be coolies bending the trolley tracks if you drank out of Pa’s tin can - he’d box your ears but good!

Pa was a man who was hitting on all sixes for sure, and he could be tougher than a Chinaman’s mule on a hot Tuesday morning, but every once in a while he’d take us to town to see a talkie. Back then talkies only cost a nickel, and they were better than the garbage you get in the movie houses nowadays! That was when entertainment was on the level, boy! Now you’ve got your hotsy-totsy computer effects and your Iron Men and whatnot… horsefeathers! That ain’t entertainment! Nobody knows how to make a good movie anymore! Bah!

Back in my day, we didn’t need all these fancy effects and flashy cars and rap music to make a good talkie! All we needed was a good story - preferably one about a group of dogs having a party together, and if one of the dogs tried to rape one of the other dogs, all the better! If you could get a couple of dogs, some tiny evening wear, some string, and a jar of peanut butter together, why, you’d have a plum-ducky film on your hands!

And boy, those dogs were disciplined back then! We didn’t need some Spanish poolboy “whispering” at them to get them in line, no sir! But like I said, it was a different era back then: one where men wore hats, women wore dresses, and dogs knew their place. These films nowadays… applesauce, I say! Applesauce!

Carson City Council Smack

This is exactly why I stopped going to city council meetings. Everything is going along just fine, you’re sitting there minding your own business listening to a deposition, and then BAM - some old lady taps you gently on the back of the head with a handful of papers. You’re momentarily stunned, possibly in shock, but then it wears off a few seconds later and you suddenly realize how much pain you’re in. That’s when you let out an ear-splitting shriek, grab the armrest and gingerly hurl yourself to the floor. That’s why I stopped going to city council meetings - because that kept happening to me ALL THE TIME.

These days I spend most of my days at the city treasurer’s office. Things are a lot quieter there, and they have a handful of outdated general interest magazines in the lobby, so I get a lot of reading done, too. It might not be the most exciting way to while away the day, but at least it’s not, you know, DANGEROUS. Not like those city council meetings in Carson, California.

In case you were wondering, the “assailant” in this video is a woman named Vera Robles DeWitt. She’s a former mayor of Carson herself, and based on her website - which features a screenshot from the video right there on the main page, not to mention a whole press section (I’m apparently the last person to see this video) - I can only assume that she wants people to watch this clip. Probably to help clear her name of the (no joke) misdemeanor battery charges that were filed against her. You know - for gently tapping that woman on the back of the head with a handful of papers.

I guess the moral of the story is “Fuck Carson, California.”

The legendary supergroup returned to the stage last night after a three-decade absence, to rave reviews—and as you can see in the footage above, they even tried out some new material! Congratulations, guys, on showing you’re never too old to rock!

Rock nerds everywhere were devastated today at the news that the long-rumored musical meeting between Paul “File Not Found” McCartney and Thom “the extra ‘h’ is for handsome” Yorke is not happening:

Paul McCartney was desperate to collaborate with Thom Yorke—but the Radiohead star turned him down. The former Beatle claims Yorke rejected an offer to work on an album with him—because he wants to solely concentrate on his band. McCartney says, “…I asked Thom to do a duet, but he said he couldn’t because he only felt happy working on his own and Radiohead’s material.”

… or so he says. Yorke’s refusal to cooperate with Operation Pauljuvenation could also be due to the following factors:

• McCartney’s insistence on working with archaic art form known as “songs”
• Lack of enthusiasm among target demographic for first single, “I Get By with a Little Help from My Genetically Modified Robotic Angst”
• Yorke insisted that consumers be able to download the album at a price of their own choosing, whereas McCartney preferred to release it on 8-track tape and Edison cylinder and sell it from the back of his van
• The banshee-like quality of Yorke’s anguished wailing was lost as sound waves were repeatedly absorbed by Paul’s wrinkles
• Scheduled recording date had to be scrapped after McCartney failed to show and was later discovered unconscious in a dumpster with a prosthetic leg-shaped indentation in his groin
• Fan excitement dropped sharply after it was determined that time travel technology is not yet ready to arrange a collaboration between 1968 McCartney and 1996 Yorke
• Audio testing revealed that the sound effects used on Radiohead’s last three albums could induce seizures, pacemaker failure, and incontinence in McCartney’s audience and McCartney

Although these two musical giants were unable to come to mutually agreeable terms at this time, plans are under way for a second, less publicized collaboration, between Thom Yorke’s singing garbage-man and Ringo.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Falls Up An Escalator

I feel kind of bad about posting this. On the one hand, it’s kind of mean-spirited to laugh at an old person falling up an escalator, but on the other hand, you know, people falling down is funny. Kurt Vonnegut once said that he thought people falling down was the funniest thing in the world, and he was a “Humanist” so I think that means it’s okay to laugh at. Then again, guess how Vonnegut died earlier this year?

Yup - falling down.

At any rate, I’m really only posting this to demonstrate how FULLY it’s possible to fall down. Not in terms of extreme heights or speeds (we’ve all seen videos of people face planting harder than this), but in terms of THOROUGHNESS. I’ve never seen a more drawn-out fall in my entire life. It takes an eternity.

Did he think it was going DOWN instead of up? If so, why was he trying to get on? That would’ve put him right where he wanted before he even stepped onto the escalator. Maybe there’s no point in diagramming a SICK 360°. Bottom line? It’s funny when people fall down. End of story.

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