Awesome Video Of The Day

The Nooner Challenge: Can You Watch This Entire Video?

I’ve never seen Leprechaun In The Hood, but I sort of… well… I sort of own it, I guess. I rented it once, never watched it, and then lost it somewhere in the sea of ironic purchases that is my house. Blockbuster ended up charging me $10 for it, which, coupled with the price of the rental, means that I shelled out an embarrassing $14 total to own Leprechaun In The Hood… AND I NEVER EVEN WATCHED IT. I’m not sure if watching it would make this story more or less embarrassing, though. Paying $14 to own a movie and never watching it is pretty stupid, but you know what else is? Watching Leprechaun In The Hood.

For the uninitiated, the Leprechaun oeuvre is made up of a whopping six films to date - with a long-awaited seventh entry¹, Leprechaun In The Old West, potentially slated for a 2009 release, which will finally answer the age-old question: What would happen if there was a Leprechaun in the Old West?

I’m pretty sure this Leprechaun rap represents the absolute lowest point of the entire franchise, if not the lowest point of Warwick Davis (aka Willow)’s career. I triple-dog-dare you to watch the whole thing.

¹ I wrote a really elaborate analogy here about cooking food that sucks and saving the leftovers so you can eat it seven more times, but this one is shorter and about 10 times more effective: You can shoot a turd into outer space, you can drop a turd off in “the hood” (twice), and you can send a turd back in time to the Old West, but guess what? It’s still just a turd.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Guy Hurls Plungers At Peoples’ Backs

I’d like to start off the week by saying that I really like the name of this YouTube video. It takes a sort of no-frills approach to telling you exactly what it is: a video of a guy hurling plungers at peoples’ backs. I also like the ridiculous number of plungers spread out across the stage, the fact that half the plungers don’t even stick to the guys’ backs, and the backflip and splits the guy does at the end.

Come to think of it, the actual hurling of plungers might be the least noteworthy thing about this video. What about how all of these shirtless guys are wearing helmets? Or the fact that this guy is clearly on some sort of televised talent show, and his special talent is HURLING PLUNGERS?! How do you come to realize that’s something you’re good at in the first place? How do you practice when you DO figure it out? Is it a blessing or a burden? Does it translate into any sort of vaguely marketable skill, and if not, do you tell the people at your crappy day job about your hobby?

I remember reading somewhere that defeat in World War II messed up Germany’s national psyche pretty bad (hence all the scat videos and weird Halloween costumes), and I’m wondering if this is somehow related. But I have basically no reference point here - I live in America, and everybody who ends up on television here is incredibly talented.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Terrifying Police Dogs

I’m not totally sure where this video is from, so I’m going to be sure not to commit any crimes ANYWHERE for the rest of my life. It seems like it was probably shot somewhere in Eastern Europe in France, but I’m not risking it - the mere idea that these dogs exist somewhere on this Earth is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Did you hear that guy screaming?! Did you see the dog running straight at the guy shooting at it? I can’t think of a single crime that would be worth attempting to pull off if I knew that I might have to deal with one of those things. The only way these dogs could be any more terrifying would be if scientists were able to modify their genes to make them poisonous, and I’m pretty sure that’s just around the corner, too. My prediction: global crime rates will fall dramatically over the next few years. Y’know… because of all the poisonous dogs.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Surfer On The News

There’s something about this guy that makes me want to take him home with me and keep him as some kind of weird pet. I feel like he probably can’t really take care of himself. I could keep him in my storage closet or something and only open the door when I want to hear something hilarious, then reward him with slices of pizza and bags of weed.

You know how you’re only supposed to give fish a little bit of food because they’ll eat until they explode? I feel like it’s probably exactly the same deal with this guy, so I better make sure to only give him a little bit of pizza at a time. Otherwise he’ll just keep eating pizza, and then he’ll paddle out into the ocean, get a cramp in the middle of a sick barrel and get totally pitted.

I do NOT want it to be my fault that this guy gets pitted. Seriously.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Goes Nuts In A Car Wash

One time I broke my antenna off in a car wash. I had the stereo on and didn’t really think about it, and then when I got out the thing was hanging by a thread over the side of the car. The radio still gets decent reception, but I guess I would have preferred to keep the antenna attached. Maybe if I’d noticed that it was getting destroyed I would have done something about it. You know - like go completely fucking insane and destroy my entire car.

According to the internet (or more specifically, the video description from Break.com, which seems like a reliable and accurate source to me), the police report said the “old” guy in this video “went nuts” when he realized he had lost his glasses. It doesn’t make it clear if he lost them inside the car or in the car wash itself, but either way I don’t think this reaction would really solve anything. Unless your goal was to blow up on YouTube, figure out a way to monetize your newfound celebrity, and use the money to buy some new glasses. In which case you’re a visionary genius and probably not the type to lose your glasses in the first place.

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With the release of its Wikipedia-killing user-generated infocenter site Knol, Google hopes to at long last officially own the entire Internet, rather than merely by unspoken agreement as it stands today.

Knol, named after a “unit of knowledge,” and NOT a bastardization of the hyena men from Dungeons and Dragons as I’d originally assumed, is looking to be pretty fantastic, and Google is sparing no hyperbole in the lead-up to its launch:

There are millions of people who possess useful knowledge that they would love to share, and there are billions of people who can benefit from it. We believe that many do not share that knowledge today simply because it is not easy enough to do that.

Yes, clearly it’s far too difficult for the average person to share their knowledge on the Internet. That totally explains this Wikipedia entry. And this one. And THIS one. And these comments.

But inane PR posturing aside, Knol does have some key differences from Wiki that might make it worth your while, or doom it to crash and burn. For example, they’re going to incorporate Google AdWords and allow authors to get paid for their Knol pages based on how many hits they get.

On one hand, this could mean a lot of incentive for knowledgeable people to post valuable information. On the other, far more likely hand, this will mean that the phrase “Nude Pics of Scarlett Johansson” will have 1,300 entries, all promising you the absolute nudest pics if you just click this external link right here.

Naturally, that link will take you to the author’s other Knol entry page about pirates, ninjas, zombies, their fights with Chuck Norris, and anything else they think will bring in the hits.

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I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m a big fan of Yahoo News Photos. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t get some form of entertainment or edification out of a visit to their pages, whether it’s adorable pictures of an eight-limbed superbaby, or fashion show highlights where you can sort of see somebody’s hoo-hah. But today had such a bumper crop of quality items that I just had to share them with you. Let’s begin!

Mmmm… succulent deadly terrorist scallops. That looks like the most delicious, butter-drenched national tragedy I’ve seen in a long time.

Above, a passenger waits to pass through one of LAX’s new high-tech airport security stations. (Alternate caption: “Claudia Suarez, the new head of the National Transportation Safety Board, has bold ideas about improving airline security. There’s just one problem: she has to get past La Migra first.”) And finally:

I honestly have no idea why nipple this photo would be on the is that the right place for a nipple “most viewed” list—after all, it’s giant weird nipple several years old, that particular nipple pointing right at me couple isn’t married anymore, and it’s not a very nipple is scaring me good picture of Ms. Anderson’s face, what with I will never sleep again those big sunglasses. I’m stumped.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Death From Above

Winter. To some it means Christmas, hot chocolate in front of the fireplace, wrapping a scarf around a snowman’s neck and sledding down a picturesque hill. To me personally, though, it means putting my life into the hands of fate and hoping I don’t get hit by a giant falling chunk of ice.

If you live in a city where it snows, then you’ve probably seen those “CAUTION: FALLING ICE” signs they put on the sidewalk outside of skyscrapers. I’ve never really understood the point of those: if the ice is gonna fall, it’s gonna fall. I’m convinced that getting hit by falling ice would kill you instantly. It would be painless. All these signs do is create the pain of anticipation without actually preventing anything. They should use these signs to apologize ahead of time just in case you get hit. You know, like “CAUTION: THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THIS FALLING ICE,” or “CAUTION: LIFE IS A TOTAL CRAPSHOOT.”

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Jetpacks Are Boring

There was a time that I would’ve said having a jetpack would be unconditionally awesome. Who needs concrete plans when you have a jetpack, right? All you have to do is float around 50 feet off the ground, aimlessly firing thrusters and going wherever the winds blow.

That’s what I used to think, anyway, but these days the idea of having a jetpack doesn’t really do much for me. I guess it would be alright, but 50 feet isn’t really that high in the grand scheme of things, and not NEARLY high enough to consider “soaring majestically.” Plus, what am I going to be soaring not-so-majestically over, anyway? A parking lot? Maybe an IHOP if I’m lucky? I’m sure it would be fun to fly around with it for a little while, but after the initial novelty wears off all you’re really left with is an awesome-but-impractical mode of transportation that will most likely eventually kill you.

Chances are I’d blast off, and it would be cool for about 15 minutes, and then I’d be like, “Alright - what now?” Then I’d land at the local hipster bar to show off my cool new jetpack, but I’d have no idea how to lock it up, and all my friends would go inside. They’d be like, “You alright?” and I’d be like, “Yeah - I’ll be there in a minute.” Then I’d strap back in and fly around for a while, all alone, until I started getting text messages like “where you @?!” or “u comin bro?” Then I’d throw the thing in a dumpster, go to the same shitty bar I always go to, and get a drink. It’d be a night pretty much like any other, except I’d have gotten there with a jetpack. The future is now, and guess what? It’s just as shitty as everything else. Buy me a beer.

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When they came for our free music, I said nothing, because I used Bittorrent.

When they came for our free TV shows, I said nothing, because I have a DVR.

When they came for our free movies, I said nothing, because, again, Bittorrent.

But now they come for our pornography, and no longer can I remain silent!

No longer can I stay my typing fingers while the rights bestowed upon us by our very broadband connections are whittled away, parceled and sold off before our very weeping eyes, flaccid penises, and parched vaginas!

I have paid for pornography, friends. I have paid and paid: my time, my sense of self-respect, my meaningful human relationships. But to pay money?! Such a thing cannot, nay SHALL not come to pass!

Today, I say, we band together! We, the anonymous minority, the faceless throng, must march together, hand in sweaty, sticky hand, towards those who would thwart our will!

Vivid Video, you who nursed us from tender young goslings into full-grown Internet perverts, wings proudly fapping in the sun, we beg you: end this madness!

Jameson!

Tai!

Devon!

Carrera!

Thai! (I have an Asian thing)

These ample fruits are not to be hoarded, but spread with joy to all comers!

Besides, we all have Limewire, so stop spending time filing lawsuits when you could be finishing Post-pro on Where the Boys Aren’t 27.

NERDY AUTHOR’S NOTE: The preceding manifesto contained four sex puns, two of which are probably more subtle than they should have been, and one of which is so condescendingly obscure that he should be beaten for including it. He apologizes, but could not resist.