Los Angeles: Home To Movie Stars, The Wayans Brothers, And Me
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
If you’ve been wondering why some posts on this blog have seemed thin and phoned in lately, I’ve got some answers for you–unless you’re talking about Gladstone’s posts; I don’t know what’s wrong with that guy.
But on the off chance you’ve sensed a little haste in my posts as of late, like calling a koi pond a coy pond, or referring to the Holocaust as if it didn’t happen, then you’ll be happy to know that I’m not off my game; I’ve just been hauling boxes of all my worldly possessions up three flights in order to move into my brand new Los Angeles apartment, complete with famousness guarantees and a self-service cocaine bar (currently understocked).
Why the move? Well, to be honest, a number of star-crossed romances went south and a healthy percentage of the San Diego Mormon population wanted me out. And you don’t say ‘no’ to a mob of guys with pitchforks and magic underwear.
But even though I’ve been a Hollywood celebrity for a whole 48 hours now, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m nothing more than a small-town kid lost in the Big City. So I thought it’d be worth our while to get to know Los Angeles the only way a Blogger knows how: Googling.
Join me, won’t you, for a brief walking tour of the City Of Angels? Except instead of walking we’ll be sitting on our fat asses, and instead of Meg Ryan riding a bike with her eyes closed and getting hit by a truck…actually, we’ll keep that part.
THE HEADLINE: Oh My, Mini Me
The Gist: Verne Troyer, soon to be known as Oscar Winner Verne Troyer for his stunning performance in The Love Guru, is sexually functional. Who knew? This lady, who videotaped their sex and has made the tape available through TMZ.com
What Can We Learn? That Hollywood can be as cruel as she is generous. And that Verne Troyer has a massive penis. Seriously, he’s shaped like a gavel.
Overall Impression: I’ll have to start having sex in an EMP suit when I’m famous.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: A lot. Where there’s sex tapes, there’s sex, and me having it.
THE HEADLINE: A Need For Beer
The Gist: An old woman drove her car through the front window of a liquor store in Long Beach, then got out of the car, went to the coolers, and attempted to purchase a six-pack of Bud Light.
What Can We Learn? Los Angeles is a city on the move. We like our beer domestic, our store windows out of the fucking way, and our elderly incarcerated on $15,000 bail.
Overall Impression: As long as I maintain my habit of only drinking alcohol poured down the length of a Corinthian leather chaise lounge, I think I’m in the clear.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Somewhat. I don’t care for flying cars, but I love brass, and this lady’s got it in spades.