This is not a film. It is an insult. Do not abide it.

If I find out a single Cracked Blog reader attended this movie on opening day, even if it results in sex, there will be hell to pay. Besides, do you really want to have sex with someone who would watch Meet the Spartans? Do you really want that inside of you?

I feel strongly about this.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes pandering, referential comedy videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

As executor of the late Michael Swaim’s formidable estate, it is my sad duty to inform the public that Mr. Swaim succumbed last night to that great void towards which we are all bound. The circumstances of his demise remain a mystery, although knowing him, I am sure they were both heroic and epoch-defining. In the meantime he offers us only this video tape, an offering from beyond the grave recovered at his home, as a clue to aid us in our mourning and confusion. May he rest in peace, wherever he is.

When he’s not dead, Michael makes eerie beyond-the-grave videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Nooner Challenge: Can You Watch This Entire Video?

I’ve never seen Leprechaun In The Hood, but I sort of… well… I sort of own it, I guess. I rented it once, never watched it, and then lost it somewhere in the sea of ironic purchases that is my house. Blockbuster ended up charging me $10 for it, which, coupled with the price of the rental, means that I shelled out an embarrassing $14 total to own Leprechaun In The Hood… AND I NEVER EVEN WATCHED IT. I’m not sure if watching it would make this story more or less embarrassing, though. Paying $14 to own a movie and never watching it is pretty stupid, but you know what else is? Watching Leprechaun In The Hood.

For the uninitiated, the Leprechaun oeuvre is made up of a whopping six films to date - with a long-awaited seventh entry¹, Leprechaun In The Old West, potentially slated for a 2009 release, which will finally answer the age-old question: What would happen if there was a Leprechaun in the Old West?

I’m pretty sure this Leprechaun rap represents the absolute lowest point of the entire franchise, if not the lowest point of Warwick Davis (aka Willow)’s career. I triple-dog-dare you to watch the whole thing.

¹ I wrote a really elaborate analogy here about cooking food that sucks and saving the leftovers so you can eat it seven more times, but this one is shorter and about 10 times more effective: You can shoot a turd into outer space, you can drop a turd off in “the hood” (twice), and you can send a turd back in time to the Old West, but guess what? It’s still just a turd.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Invasion U.S.A. Is Apparently The Greatest Film Ever Made

I watch a lot of YouTube clips, and as such, I appreciate it when a video manages to pack a lot of awesome into a neat little package. By that standard, today’s clip is pretty much the best video on the entire internet.

Invasion U.S.A. is a film (NOT a movie) about Chuck Norris fighting Latino communist guerrillas in Florida, and it’s set in an alternate universe where Florida is actually worth defending. Chuck Norris might not be in this particular clip, but I think that everything else that’s going on here pretty much makes up for it. In a mere thirty seconds, this clip manages to cram in:

If that isn’t enough to make you want to rent Invasion U.S.A., maybe this movie trivia will. Why don’t they make movies like this anymore?!

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So the movie Cloverfield’s going to be released in a few days, and as of right now, no-one seems to know anything about it yet. If you haven’t heard about the film, or seen the ads or trailers for it yet, I’ll explain. The trailers depict a monster of some sort apparently attacking New York, while a group of friends with attractive facial features run in terror. However, the monster isn’t identifiable in the trailers, and scant other information has been revealed about the plot yet.

This is a lot more remarkable than you might first suspect. The Internet contains many people who make a point of uncovering every detail of a movie long before it comes out. No-one’s entirely sure why someone would dedicate their life to doing this, although I personally suspect it may have something to do with the sodium imbalance caused by eating too much ham.

Consequently, we can conclude that the security the producers erected around the film was intense. For example, according to some rumors, during casting actors reportedly weren’t handed actual scripts. They instead read dialog from similarly themed television shows - Murphy Brown I’m guessing.

Given the lack of concrete information about the film, speculation about the true nature of the monster has been rampant on the Internet. Favorite theories currently suggest that it’s an alien, or a genetically engineered superweapon, or a Lovecraftian inspired monster from the deep. Following an interview where Abrams stated that he came up with the concept while on a trip to Japan, some have also suggested that the monster may be some sort of Voltron style robot.

I think the Internet may be on the wrong track here. Everything we know suggests this monster is a horrendous object of terror. Voltron wasn’t terrifying. It was awe-filling and arousing. No, if the answer to the riddle lies with the Japanese, we have to know what it is they’re worried about. As a student of Japanese culture, I can state confidently that in their daily life the Japanese are mainly plagued by the following three things:

1) Men who molest women on commuter trains.
2) Gangs of Tokyo drifting teenagers.
3) Animated pieces of feces.

Which leads me to conclude that the monster in Cloverfield is a 40 story turd that slides around in an unnatural manner while molesting women.

So probably not a date movie.

___

Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Hottie and the Nottie

On a first viewing you might be thinking to yourself, “Dear God - this looks like the worst movie of all time,” or maybe “This is what’s wrong with America,” but you know what? I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.

Basic plot: A guy wants to hook up with a “hot” chick (played by world-renowned sex-haver Paris Hilton) but first he needs to find a mate for her “ugly” friend (played by the unbelievably hideous Christine Lakin). Hilarity ensues, I’m sure, but you know what else probably happens? I would bet you guys money that at some point in this movie the guy learns that beauty is only skin deep, decides that the “hot” chick (Paris Hilton) is actually kind of a bitch, and then realizes in the last 30 minutes that he’s fallen hopelessly in love with the “ugly” chick.

I know it sounds completely fucking insane, but I bet that’s what happens in this movie. With unexpected plot twists like those, I think this could easily be the sleeper hit of 2008. You know - because you wouldn’t think that the main character would hook up with an “ugly” chick, but then he does and it’s crazy because you totally figured he’d end up with the “hot” chick.

Oh, and it also has Paris Hilton in it, who everyone has seen have actual, real-life sexual intercourse. That can’t hurt either.

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So, I just finished watching the Futurama movie for the second time in two days (for the commentary, obviously), and I have to say, I’m still unsure about this whole thing.

As a guy with huge nerd boners for sci-fi, fast-paced comedy AND David X. Coen, this was set to be the triple-boner event of the season as far as I was concerned, and maybe all that build-up made some disappointment inevitable. Honestly, I don’t think I would have been fully satisfied unless the movie ended with Bender looking directly to camera and saying “Hey you, Michael Swaim; come have adventures with me in space! I’ll bring the Slurm!”

I’ll list the awesome stuff first, which on the surface is the vast majority of the product, which you should totally buy. Bender’s Big Score had:

All told, I really enjoyed it, although the two songs they put in sucked (I’m not sure what the deal was with those).

So what the hell is my problem? Couldn’t tell you really, except that through the whole thing, I never seemed to laugh. And that’s saying something, since during the run of the series I lost a number of friends to my inability to go thirty seconds without spewing a quote from the show. Yes, I’m one of those people. And no, I don’t regret driving my girlfriend to suicide; thank you very much for bringing it up.

Maybe it’s been so long I’m just not immersed in the world anymore. Maybe I was so excited my mind shut down with pleasure and refused to absorb the humor. Maybe it’s just plain not as funny as it once was. Maybe I’m overthinking this by a significant margin.

In any case, I turn to you, Cracked Blog readership: Did I like the Futurama movie?

Also, does anything in this post make me sound racist? Because if so, I just fucking give up.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Movie Trailer: Teeth

Rather than try to explain this trailer, I’ll let the movie’s website¹ do the talking for me:

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant… A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence.

I’m all for going to see a movie about Vagina Dentata, but the critics are already tearing this film apart. I’m talking, of course, about the vicious panning the trailer has received in the comments on YouTube:

“rofl, ok so she has a evil vagina? rofl nasty, maybe she has herpe’s” - justintfan

“MAH VA JAY JAY IS EATIN MEH!!!!” - Swifted17

I think they’re being needlessly harsh on this flick. Remember when There’s Something About Mary came out and everyone was freaking out about the infamous semen scene? Now there’s a wad in someone’s hair in pretty much every movie that comes out. Teeth could - no, WILL - do for Vagina Dentata was Mary did for money shots. Factor in the current superhero trend that’s going on and, if nothing else, you’ve got an awesome new female villain for pretty much every 2008 summer blockbuster.

¹ Yes, this is a real movie, and yes, it was screened at the Sundance Film Festival.

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Since my Spice Girls post was a such a huge hit, I’ve been searching the web for another story about a group of ladies I no longer think about sexually. And like manna from heaven drop some pics from the forthcoming Sex And The City movie. From what I gather, the plot centers around how unsightly the women have become:

Here’s a shot of Kim Catrall right after one of her nauseated male suitors vomits blood from the sight of her.

Undeterred, Kim starts hitting on blind men. Unfortunately, this dude’s guide dog has to look away.

In a show of solidarity, Sarah Jessica Parker slips in the the fugliest, anorexia-accentuating, erection-obliterating outfit in creation. Apparently, Pippi Longstocking is all grown up, and not even crystal meth gets her blood to circulate.

At about the movie’s halfway mark, the producers trick the audience’s male genitalia out of hiding with younger stand-ins.

And then the ladies return to remind us true beauty knows not the ravages of time. Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! I want to make sweet love. (To that airbrush.)

…oh, and if your penis isn’t dead yet, you can check out the new Spice Girls Video here.

Paul Giamatti is an actor with a wide range. He’s played everything from a ruthless hitman, to a gruff-yet-lovable physical trainer, to an annoying neurotic who likes comic books, to an annoying neurotic who likes wine. But with the release tomorrow of Fred Claus, we are about to witness the moment at which Giamatti, mad with his own sense of flexibility, takes on a role he cannot possibly do justice.

Why? Because Santa Claus looks like this:

He’s jolly, his eyes sparkle with love, and he’s Tim Allen. Paul Giamatti, on the other hand, looks like this:

Yes, he has the drugs, but he’s not going to hand them over until you submit to a cavity search. He’s had some trouble with the pigs lately.

Even when he tries his damnedest to pull of the St. Nick look, it’s a no go.

Yes, Paul, you’ve got a hat and beard, but you’re also dressed in all black and looking at me as if whichever one of us pulls our switchblade first is going to walk out of here alive. Come back to me when you don’t hate life.

If the Rotten Tomato reviews are any indication (a whopping 0% from the “Cream of the Crop” as of this writing), Fred Claus is going to predictably lick snowballs. And while I’m sure Paul isn’t the only thing to blame for the movie’s undoubted failure—one reviewer mentioned a scene in which Ludicris’ head is digitally put onto a tiny body, an image out of my nightmares I had hoped years of therapy had eradicated forever—Giamatti cum Claus is a horror I am honestly sad to see unleashed on this generation of children.

Beware parents: take your kids to this movie and risk finding letters like this one placed fearfully by the milk and cookies come Christmas Eve, scrawled by tiny trembling hands:

Dear Santa,

I understand you will be coming into our house tonight. Please don’t hurt us. I have been very good all year, and all I ask is that you make your stay short and don’t take any of mommy’s nice things. I assume from the red circles under your eyes that you are drunk; please try to keep from knocking anything over while you’re here.

If you want to leave me a bike, that would be great, but only if it’s a gift and you don’t want it back later. I don’t need you knocking on my window or sending me death threats in the mail come February. I’ve enclosed five dollars. Please consider it a gift, in exchange for your not urinating anywhere in the house. And please Santa, get some help.

Sleeping with a rifle,

Billy