Evil Altar Trailer (Nigerian Movie)

I think I understand how Nigerian email scams work: If you send out enough emails promising enormous fortunes to anyone with an American bank account, eventually someone is going to fall for it, you’re going to make a little profit, and this in turn will allow you to invest even more money into annoying the living shit out of every single person who uses the internet. Seems simple enough, right?

Enter the the Nigerian film industry, which, thanks in part to cheap video technology, has grown in recent years to become the third largest in the world behind the USA and India, and is known primarily for putting out a prodigious amount of horrible, low-budget films. I’ll admit that a lot of these movies don’t look so hot, but Evil Altar might be a mind-blowingly amazing exception to the rule. (Not to mention King Of My Village and Baby Police 2.) Although a lot of the words in this trailer sound like gibberish to me, I did manage to take this much away:

“Every fourteen years, this shrine must receive human head. If not, the oracle go vex and men and women gon’ die mysteriously.”

That’s great and everything, but I don’t see what’s so “mysterious” about the men and women dying. I haven’t even seen this movie yet, but it’s still pretty obvious that they’re dying because the shrine hasn’t received human head. Oh - and the oracle has gone vex. It’s not exactly rocket science.

This movie looks totally sweet, but most of the others really do look like complete & utter garbage. Can somebody please explain to me how Nigeria has built a multi-billion dollar film industry with this crap? There can’t possibly be that many people buying these movies, right? It just doesn’t make sense!

Oh well - it’s probably best not to ponder these unanswerable questions. As for me, I’m out - I’m gonna go order my copy of Evil Altar at izognmovies.com! They make ordering a breeze - all you need to do is fill in your name, address, social security number and all of your personal financial information.

This is gonna be awesome!

Another Message For Senator Barack Obama Bin Laden

A while back I posted a trailer for a then-upcoming Paris Hilton vehicle called The Hottie And The Nottie. In the post I made the following bold assertion:

“I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.” - Ross Wolinsky

It turns out I blew it: Shockingly, the film has been almost universally reviled by critics and audiences alike since its release! During its opening weekend, Hottie pulled in a whopping $27,696 at 111 locations. Depending on how you want to look at it that’s $249 per screen or, figuring an average of $8 per ticket, about 3,462 total paying customers in all of America… which is actually kind of a staggering number if you really think about it. It might not sound like much for a nationally distributed feature film on its opening weekend, but it’s still enough people to fill a medium-sized high school gymnasium. Doesn’t that seem like way too many? How did 3,462 Americans somehow come to the conclusion that Hottie was going to be worth seeing? Who are these people that plopped down their hard-earned cash at the ticket counter and said “One for Hottie,” and what in the name of God were they thinking?

You might be wondering what the woman in today’s video has to do with The Hottie And The Nottie. Not a whole lot, to be honest, but they do share one trait that I think bears mentioning: She, like the film, is completely fucking retarded.

I first saw Arrested Development when I was a Freshman in college (ah, so long ago it was), and I was surrounded by six suitemates who failed to recognize its excellence. Instead, they’d wander through the common room having loud conversations while I watched, eyes aglow with epiphany. Then they’d all get together to watch Smallville every week and I’d wonder what the fuck.

As a failing comedy writer, the show was a lot of things for me: a revelation about the state of the modern sitcom, an education about how to do high farce and do it well, and an assurance that the bastards don’t appreciate genius anymore anyway. Also, it had a lot of gay jokes and David Cross in tiny shorts.

So the fact that an Arrested Development movie is seeming more and more likely is nothing short of bitchin’. And while part of me slathers for a return of the series (maybe if I get everyone I know to see the movie a dozen times, they’ll bring it back!), most of me is just grateful there’s going to be more illusions, more awkward quasi-incest, more shallow, self-centered in-fighting and spontaneous acts of ill-fated generosity, and of course, more lessons.

That’s all. No jokes exactly, just overwhelming enthusiasm and joy at this development. I think I may dance naked in a field later, which could be kind of funny if you didn’t know how many psychotropic drugs I was on.

But I am curious: is there anyone out there in Cracked-land who hates this show? I mean absolutely hates it. Not just to single you out for ridicule (although that seems inevitable, you dunderheaded half-wit), but because the fact that this show got cancelled really is surprising to me. What about it turned off a large majority of viewers? Or was it just on at the wrong time, what? Do you hate laughter? If so, may I direct you to the posts of my fellow bloggers?

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes videos that aren’t as good as Arrested Development as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

This is not a film. It is an insult. Do not abide it.

If I find out a single Cracked Blog reader attended this movie on opening day, even if it results in sex, there will be hell to pay. Besides, do you really want to have sex with someone who would watch Meet the Spartans? Do you really want that inside of you?

I feel strongly about this.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes pandering, referential comedy videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

As executor of the late Michael Swaim’s formidable estate, it is my sad duty to inform the public that Mr. Swaim succumbed last night to that great void towards which we are all bound. The circumstances of his demise remain a mystery, although knowing him, I am sure they were both heroic and epoch-defining. In the meantime he offers us only this video tape, an offering from beyond the grave recovered at his home, as a clue to aid us in our mourning and confusion. May he rest in peace, wherever he is.

When he’s not dead, Michael makes eerie beyond-the-grave videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Nooner Challenge: Can You Watch This Entire Video?

I’ve never seen Leprechaun In The Hood, but I sort of… well… I sort of own it, I guess. I rented it once, never watched it, and then lost it somewhere in the sea of ironic purchases that is my house. Blockbuster ended up charging me $10 for it, which, coupled with the price of the rental, means that I shelled out an embarrassing $14 total to own Leprechaun In The Hood… AND I NEVER EVEN WATCHED IT. I’m not sure if watching it would make this story more or less embarrassing, though. Paying $14 to own a movie and never watching it is pretty stupid, but you know what else is? Watching Leprechaun In The Hood.

For the uninitiated, the Leprechaun oeuvre is made up of a whopping six films to date - with a long-awaited seventh entry¹, Leprechaun In The Old West, potentially slated for a 2009 release, which will finally answer the age-old question: What would happen if there was a Leprechaun in the Old West?

I’m pretty sure this Leprechaun rap represents the absolute lowest point of the entire franchise, if not the lowest point of Warwick Davis (aka Willow)’s career. I triple-dog-dare you to watch the whole thing.

¹ I wrote a really elaborate analogy here about cooking food that sucks and saving the leftovers so you can eat it seven more times, but this one is shorter and about 10 times more effective: You can shoot a turd into outer space, you can drop a turd off in “the hood” (twice), and you can send a turd back in time to the Old West, but guess what? It’s still just a turd.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Invasion U.S.A. Is Apparently The Greatest Film Ever Made

I watch a lot of YouTube clips, and as such, I appreciate it when a video manages to pack a lot of awesome into a neat little package. By that standard, today’s clip is pretty much the best video on the entire internet.

Invasion U.S.A. is a film (NOT a movie) about Chuck Norris fighting Latino communist guerrillas in Florida, and it’s set in an alternate universe where Florida is actually worth defending. Chuck Norris might not be in this particular clip, but I think that everything else that’s going on here pretty much makes up for it. In a mere thirty seconds, this clip manages to cram in:

If that isn’t enough to make you want to rent Invasion U.S.A., maybe this movie trivia will. Why don’t they make movies like this anymore?!

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So the movie Cloverfield’s going to be released in a few days, and as of right now, no-one seems to know anything about it yet. If you haven’t heard about the film, or seen the ads or trailers for it yet, I’ll explain. The trailers depict a monster of some sort apparently attacking New York, while a group of friends with attractive facial features run in terror. However, the monster isn’t identifiable in the trailers, and scant other information has been revealed about the plot yet.

This is a lot more remarkable than you might first suspect. The Internet contains many people who make a point of uncovering every detail of a movie long before it comes out. No-one’s entirely sure why someone would dedicate their life to doing this, although I personally suspect it may have something to do with the sodium imbalance caused by eating too much ham.

Consequently, we can conclude that the security the producers erected around the film was intense. For example, according to some rumors, during casting actors reportedly weren’t handed actual scripts. They instead read dialog from similarly themed television shows - Murphy Brown I’m guessing.

Given the lack of concrete information about the film, speculation about the true nature of the monster has been rampant on the Internet. Favorite theories currently suggest that it’s an alien, or a genetically engineered superweapon, or a Lovecraftian inspired monster from the deep. Following an interview where Abrams stated that he came up with the concept while on a trip to Japan, some have also suggested that the monster may be some sort of Voltron style robot.

I think the Internet may be on the wrong track here. Everything we know suggests this monster is a horrendous object of terror. Voltron wasn’t terrifying. It was awe-filling and arousing. No, if the answer to the riddle lies with the Japanese, we have to know what it is they’re worried about. As a student of Japanese culture, I can state confidently that in their daily life the Japanese are mainly plagued by the following three things:

1) Men who molest women on commuter trains.
2) Gangs of Tokyo drifting teenagers.
3) Animated pieces of feces.

Which leads me to conclude that the monster in Cloverfield is a 40 story turd that slides around in an unnatural manner while molesting women.

So probably not a date movie.

___

Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Hottie and the Nottie

On a first viewing you might be thinking to yourself, “Dear God - this looks like the worst movie of all time,” or maybe “This is what’s wrong with America,” but you know what? I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.

Basic plot: A guy wants to hook up with a “hot” chick (played by world-renowned sex-haver Paris Hilton) but first he needs to find a mate for her “ugly” friend (played by the unbelievably hideous Christine Lakin). Hilarity ensues, I’m sure, but you know what else probably happens? I would bet you guys money that at some point in this movie the guy learns that beauty is only skin deep, decides that the “hot” chick (Paris Hilton) is actually kind of a bitch, and then realizes in the last 30 minutes that he’s fallen hopelessly in love with the “ugly” chick.

I know it sounds completely fucking insane, but I bet that’s what happens in this movie. With unexpected plot twists like those, I think this could easily be the sleeper hit of 2008. You know - because you wouldn’t think that the main character would hook up with an “ugly” chick, but then he does and it’s crazy because you totally figured he’d end up with the “hot” chick.

Oh, and it also has Paris Hilton in it, who everyone has seen have actual, real-life sexual intercourse. That can’t hurt either.

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So, I just finished watching the Futurama movie for the second time in two days (for the commentary, obviously), and I have to say, I’m still unsure about this whole thing.

As a guy with huge nerd boners for sci-fi, fast-paced comedy AND David X. Coen, this was set to be the triple-boner event of the season as far as I was concerned, and maybe all that build-up made some disappointment inevitable. Honestly, I don’t think I would have been fully satisfied unless the movie ended with Bender looking directly to camera and saying “Hey you, Michael Swaim; come have adventures with me in space! I’ll bring the Slurm!”

I’ll list the awesome stuff first, which on the surface is the vast majority of the product, which you should totally buy. Bender’s Big Score had:

All told, I really enjoyed it, although the two songs they put in sucked (I’m not sure what the deal was with those).

So what the hell is my problem? Couldn’t tell you really, except that through the whole thing, I never seemed to laugh. And that’s saying something, since during the run of the series I lost a number of friends to my inability to go thirty seconds without spewing a quote from the show. Yes, I’m one of those people. And no, I don’t regret driving my girlfriend to suicide; thank you very much for bringing it up.

Maybe it’s been so long I’m just not immersed in the world anymore. Maybe I was so excited my mind shut down with pleasure and refused to absorb the humor. Maybe it’s just plain not as funny as it once was. Maybe I’m overthinking this by a significant margin.

In any case, I turn to you, Cracked Blog readership: Did I like the Futurama movie?

Also, does anything in this post make me sound racist? Because if so, I just fucking give up.