Ross Wolinsky is taking a personal day today. Filling in for him will be his grandfather, Pappy Wolinsky.

Hello, internet! How are you all doing? I’m doing fine, thanks!

You know, back in my day we didn’t have much scratch, but that was a different era - one where men wore hats, women wore dresses, and there was never any confusing the two!

We’d do all kinds of things for kicks back then - if we had the dough, we’d get dolled up in our best glad rags and head to town for some giggle water, but more times than not we were left flipping eggshells and spinning nuts - if you could get your hands on them! Hoo wee! We didn’t have the cable TV and Nintendro machines driving us all bugaboo back then! Heck no! All we needed was a bottle of hooch and a dame in the struggle buggy, and anything beyond that was just padding the butler’s ankles as far as we were concerned!

Things were a lot cheaper back then, boy I’ll tell you what! Back then you could get a gallon of milk for a penny, and a gallon went a lot further than it does today - we didn’t have those big fancy drinkin’ glasses you kids have today! I used to drink milk out of a rusty old tin can! There was only one tin can in the house that didn’t have any rust on it, and everyone knew that one belonged to Pa. It’d be coolies bending the trolley tracks if you drank out of Pa’s tin can - he’d box your ears but good!

Pa was a man who was hitting on all sixes for sure, and he could be tougher than a Chinaman’s mule on a hot Tuesday morning, but every once in a while he’d take us to town to see a talkie. Back then talkies only cost a nickel, and they were better than the garbage you get in the movie houses nowadays! That was when entertainment was on the level, boy! Now you’ve got your hotsy-totsy computer effects and your Iron Men and whatnot… horsefeathers! That ain’t entertainment! Nobody knows how to make a good movie anymore! Bah!

Back in my day, we didn’t need all these fancy effects and flashy cars and rap music to make a good talkie! All we needed was a good story - preferably one about a group of dogs having a party together, and if one of the dogs tried to rape one of the other dogs, all the better! If you could get a couple of dogs, some tiny evening wear, some string, and a jar of peanut butter together, why, you’d have a plum-ducky film on your hands!

And boy, those dogs were disciplined back then! We didn’t need some Spanish poolboy “whispering” at them to get them in line, no sir! But like I said, it was a different era back then: one where men wore hats, women wore dresses, and dogs knew their place. These films nowadays… applesauce, I say! Applesauce!

When is the world going to end? That depends on who you ask. Scientists say the sun will burn out in a couple billion years, Nostradamus had it down to an exact date (December 20, 2012), and Jehovah’s Witnesses have struck out numerous times, predicting all-out apocalypse in 1914, 1918, 1925, 1941, 1975, and 1994. I appreciate all of their efforts, but guess what? They’re all wrong. I can’t give you an exact date, but I can easily tell you what year the world is going to end.

The world is going to end in 2022.

Why 2022? It’s not Peak Oil, global warming, or terrorism that I’m concerned about. No - 2022 is the year that kids who are 7 years old right now will be turning 21. That means that 2022 will be the year that today’s 7-year-olds will be legally allowed to drink alcohol, which means that 2022 will be the year that bars become overrun with people who have fond childhood memories of seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Will they remember Terminator 2? What about Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure or Back To The Future? What will they say of these movies? “Oh,” they’ll say, “Aren’t those, like, old movies? I don’t like old movies.” Then they’ll ask the bartender for some crazy futuristic drink that I’ve never heard of, and then they’ll turn back to their friends to wax nostalgic about that movie they saw when they were 7 years old with all the rapping CG chihuahuas, and I’ll return to Gladstone’s birthday party (89 years young!) and stew in the corner, nursing my whiskey and muttering to nobody in particular about how the world has gone to hell in a handbasket.

But then God will be like, “What the fuck?!” and smite everyone, because CG chihuahuas?! COME ON. He must have said SOMETHING about that in the Bible, right?

If you’re like me, you’re sick and tired of watching stuff on a regular TV. In fact, if you’re like me, you’re fed up with even HAVING a TV at this point. I don’t care if it’s an old CRT with rabbit ears or one o’ them fancy-pants LCD whatsits hangin’ on the wall; either way it’s time to call up the Salvation Army or Goodwill or whatever and have them haul that embarrassing hunk of garbage out of your house. It’s 2008, and regular TVs are for poor people. You have discerning tastes, you have disposable income, and dagnabit, you deserve a projector that’s shaped like R2-D2.

And we have the technology. Thanks, Nikko Home Electronics.

Complete with inputs for a variety of analog & digital signals, built in speakers, and a projector that can crank out a 260 inch-wide picture, the R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector is 100% guaranteed to fill that void in your empty apartment that your ex-girlfriend left when she moved out on you because you bought an R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector. Gut-wrenching loneliness got you down? Try the Millenium Falcon remote control. Crippling depression and abandonment issues bubbling to the surface after years of suppression? Did I mention the iPod dock?

The R2-D2 is also able to recline and project a signal onto your ceiling. For example, if you had a home movie of you and your ex having a picnic together, and you wanted to project it onto the ceiling above the bed that the two of you used to share so you could watch it while crying and masturbating at the same time, the R2-D2 Digital Audio & Video Projector could TOTALLY handle that without a problem.

You could also use it to watch one of the many fine Star Wars films. Or Terminator 2, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, or Look Who’s Talking Too. Or any other movie you wanted to watch, really. They would all probably work.

There’s a news story we here at the Cracked Blog offices have been asked not to post on. A topic so taboo, we can only discuss it openly while so drunk there’s no hope of remembering what we talked about.

Generally, this means Gladstone talks about it a lot, and the rest of us have at one point or another been awoken by the unwelcome torrent of human urine.

But dammit Cracked, I am a blogger of the people, and the people must know! Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of my own life, I must warn you: The Demolition Man is coming. No, they’re not re-releasing the movie; I’m telling you that the plot of The Demolition Man is coming true.

Don’t believe me?

Exhibit A, the much-forwarded story of Wesley Snipes’ 3-year sentence in prison for tax evasion. Or should I call him by his soon-to-be prison name, Simon Phoenix?

Exhibit B, Sylvester Stallone. What’s he been up to? Using illegal growth hormones, practicing his killing skills, and fighting robots. Could he be getting ready for the inevitable embrace of Cryosleep as he awaits the year 2032?

The media’s got all the pieces, but refuses to make the connection. News items presaging the events of the landmark 1993 Stallone/Snipes vehicle have been cropping up for months now, and still…forced silence, even from Cracked, the leaders in breaking stories about future anti-utopian action scenarios. WHO’S PAYING YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?!

Fortunately, it’s not too late to prepare. Until certain key events play out, we’ve still got time:

Before all of this inevitably happens, I suggest we form some kind of team, or group dedicated to maintaining a resistance against the corrupt and insensitive future aristocracy; a team of downtrodden patriots awaiting the opportunity to rise up and help dismantle the sterile horror our lives will have become.

I mean, wiping your ass with shells? Last time I checked, this was America!

And in America, the only kind of “Vir-sex” we have is in our imaginations and movies…and clips on our computers, and TV if it’s late, and also sometimes in magazines (although not as much anymore). See, we’re already on a slippery slope! This is why we need a team!

And let’s give the team a cool 20’s name, like “Moxie Men,” or “Scrappy,” or “The Pizzazz.” Oh I know! The Scraps!

Oh my God…it’s happening.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael blogs for crack as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Have you ever wanted to make a smash comedy hit, just like Director/Producer/”Writer” Judd Apatow? Now you can! Follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way to crafting a wry, witty, irreverent romantic comedy chock full of heart, without ever having to generate a single fresh concept!

Difficulty: Can be tricky the first time, but once you’ve got the hang of it, you can pump them out yearly.

Time: 6 months (4 hours for scripting and casting, a weekend for shooting, and 5 months and 28 days for editing, advertising and “make ‘em wait” time).

Things You Will Need:

1. The Script: Your script is the blueprint for your film, and will define it down to the last detail. A carefully constructed script will show everyone involved that you have taken great care to craft your film deliberately and with a clear vision. Just kidding! Usually throwing together a few ideas on a cocktail napkin with your buddies the night before a pitch meeting will do the trick. And don’t worry, you can still give yourself a screenwriting credit.

When jotting, you’ll basically want to get a protagonist, a problem, and half of a character arc. To create your protagonist, simply take yourself (unless you are a woman, in which case take yourself with a penis), then graft on a glaring flaw that would have made you the subject of fun in High School (a virgin, fat and lazy, a complete pussy).

Make sure it’s a flaw that doesn’t prevent them from being charming (such as “face burnt off” or “is Hitler”) and can be easily solved in fifteen minutes (has sex, decides not to be lazy, has sex with Mila Kunis). Do not expect your protagonist to be more charming than Paul Rudd. This is not necessary, nor is it possible.

Now that you’ve got your protagonist, pick a girl from your High School yearbook that you always had a crush on. Put her in the script. Congratulations, you are done!

You have a main character (you), a minor problem (you’re mildly undesireable), and a conflict to drive the story (you’d like to sleep with a woman, and yet you’ve got that mild undesirability to deal with). The rest will work itself out in editing.

(more…)

So Oliver Stone has geared up for his new picture: a warts and all exploration of current President George W. Bush. But will Stone’s politics get in the way of a historically accurate portrayal? The controversial filmmaker sat down with Cracked.com to plead his case:

Well folks, it looks like Boondock Saints 2, (or “Twondock Saints,” as it is called by no one), is seriously on the road to production. The idea has been brought up before, (2002, 2006), but writer/director Troy Duffy seems to think it’s for real this time. For those not in the know, Boondock Saints snuck out about nine years ago to a depressing box office but developed a huge cult following on DVD. The story, about a pair of Irish brothers, (white kind of brother), taking the law into their own hands and ridding the streets of injustice, apparently struck a chord with the movie-watching public.

Not many people know this, but before I was a Cracked Blogger, I was a machete-wielding street vigilante in Rhode Island. True story. Gladstone and I both, actually, spent three years (on and off) cleaning up the wicked streets of “the Ocean State.” If it hadn’t been for my street-vigilante-based ties with Gladstone, in fact, I probably never would have even gotten this job here at Cracked.
[Note: No known photographs of Mace and Machete exist. Below is The Providence Journal’s head artist’s interpretation.]

Left: Gladstone. Right: D.O.B. Not Pictured: Crime.

We’d go around with our weapons, Gladstone with his mace and me with my machete. The press nicknamed us “M&M,” which, admittedly, was slightly more clever than what I wanted to call us, [”Murder: With a Capital GoFuckYourself”]. We made a few headlines and took down some of Rhode Island’s most notorious drug lords and mobsters. Ever hear of the Chechnyan Mafia in Providence? Of course you haven’t. Mace and I took care of them years ago.
You’re welcome.

Anyway, due to my propensity for taking various things into my own hands, (the law, for one. Machetes for another), Boondock Saints really resonated with me. A couple of guys running around serving up hot, steaming justice to local criminals? That speaks to me! I get that. Plus, even if I wasn’t a midnight hero, (which I was), I have a feeling I’d still love Boondock Saints because, at the end of the day, it’s a funny, fresh simple action movie with likeable characters, Ron Jeremy, and a boob.

A winning formula.

All that said, you’d think I’d be thrilled at the prospect of Twondock Saints. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong. You’d be as wrong as Little Zviad, the former head of the now defunct Chechnyan mob, (which is to say, dead wrong). Instead, I couldn’t be more unhappy. Troy Duffy made a good, concise street-hero movie with a great cast and a strong ending- why can’t he just leave it alone? In a world where sequels, prequels and remakes seem to be the only choices, why not stand out and make something new? People loved the first Saints so much, the second one is almost guaranteed to disappoint, and I’m not the only person who feels this way. You know, an overweight nerd with too much power and absolutely zero shame once said “When you do…a sequel that’s very, very anticipated, people anticipate ultimately that it’s going to be the Second Coming. And it’s not. It’s just a movie. Just like the other movies. You probably have fond memories of the other movies. But if you went back and looked at them, they might not hold up the same way your memory holds up.” And who was that shameless, pudgy nerd? George motherfucking Lucas.

The quote comes from an interview he gave on the new Indiana Jones movie and serves as a preemptive “Eat Shit” to anyone who plans on being disappointed by the latest installment. Now, is George Lucas right or is he, as some writers have speculated, “an overweight nerd with too much power and absolutely zero shame”? Well, he goes pretty far with that quote. He’s basically saying “Hey everybody, this new movie is probably gonna blow but, if you really think about it, the movies that came before it kind of blew, too. Suck it, America.” I’d like to say he’s just cynical, because I’d like to be really believe that Twondock Saints will be awesome. But he is George Lucas, and if there’s one person on this planet who would know a thing or two about disappointing sequels, it would be him.

Fred and Sharon Want to Know: Who Needs A Movie?

Fred and Sharon might pretend like there’s some question involved here, but the truth of the matter is that YOU need a movie. Let’s face the facts: a video movie could improve pretty much all of our lives. Who do you think you are? You think you don’t need a video movie to documenting your last wedding, stage production or Quinceañera? You think Fred and Sharon don’t know what’s best for you?

Wrong on both counts, bucko.

Think about all those recent events you’ve had. Remember that birthday party? Remember how your buddy Abe kept doing his hilarious Borat impression? What about your great aunt’s funeral? Remember how Abe was doing the Borat impression at that one, too? Well let me tell you something about memories: they fade. You might remember your friend Abe screaming “Eez nice! I like!” at various inapproriate events today, but what about tomorrow? Will you remember his dated pop culture references in a few years? Will you even remember Borat at all? You might read a passing reference to Borat in some general interest magazine ten years from now and be like, “That reminds me of something, but I can’t remember what.” Then your friend Abe will be like, “I from Kazakhstan! I have sex with my sister!” and you’ll be like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?”

Eez nice.

Santo Gold Infomercial

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Big shoutout to The Virtual Santo Gold Museum for gathering all the great information that I’ve liberally paraphrased below.

Back in the 1980s, a successful businessman named Santo Rigatuso decided to create a film. Through his “Santo Gold” mail-order fake jewelry business, Santo had racked up a considerable amount of cash - more than enough to fund his first feature film. The result? Blood Circus, a “science-fiction wrestling movie” featuring cannibals, washed-up professional wrestlers, aliens from the planet Zoran and, naturally, lots of Santo Gold mail-order jewelry.

Strangely enough, Santo had a hard time finding distribution for his creative masterpiece. His solution? Promote it through his Santo Gold infomercials and rent out a few theaters in Baltimore to show it in. Sadly, only three people showed up for the premiere - not quite enough to make up for the film’s $2 million budget. Perhaps out of desperation, Santo moved on to crazier money-making schemes: selling credit cards to people with bad credit for $49.95 (redeemable only for Santo Gold merchandise), and offering $2000 blocks of an unnamed millionaire’s fortune for the low, low price of $52 a pop. The law eventually caught up with Santo and he ended up indicted on twelve counts of mail fraud, and sadly, his film lives on today only in the memories of those (un)fortunate enough to have seen it: there are allegedly no copies remaining in circulation.

You can read more about Santo Rigatuso (that’s him screaming in the white suit and sunglasses FYI), his films, and his legal troubles here. There is also a longer clip from his infomercial available here, and a completely baffling, typo-riddled, barely-functional website promising sundry goods at SantoGold.com. It has pictures of office buildings on it, so I’m pretty sure it’s legit.

The Thing With Two Heads

If you’ve been paying attention to all of the exact same websites that I do, then you probably read about Hasbro signing on with Universal for a film deal.

Let me repeat that: Hasbro - maker of such board games as Battleship, Candy Land and Mouse Trap - has signed on for a film deal with Universal - maker of such films as Howard the Duck and Weird Science.

You’re probably thinking, “Yawn! I don’t work in Hollywood, Ross. What does this mean to me, the average moviegoer?”

Three words: Monopoly: The Movie.

That’s a lot of pressure for the average director. How do you turn a board game into a movie, particularly one worthy of the Monopoly name? We’re going to need someone with a proven track record, someone capable of rising to the challenge. Someone who has demonstrated the ability to take an established franchise and turn it into a sensational film. We’re going to need a miracle worker here, and as far as I’m concerned, there’s only one man who can make it happen.

We need Michael Bay.

Will Pewter Shoe pass go and collect $200? Will Top Hat “get out of jail free” in time, and if he does, will he do it in time to collect rent on Oriental Avenue from Iron and Wheelbarrow? It’s one of the great American board games; there’s no reason it can’t be one of the great American movies, too. Only one man has the raw talent and integrity needed to bring a film of such great scope and magnitude to the silver screen, and his name is Michael Bay.

You’re probably wondering what The Thing With Two Heads has to do with Michael Bay directing Monopoly: The Movie. Nothing really, but c’mon - the white bigot gets his head sewed onto the black soul brother! How could I pass that up?!