A Compelling Argument For Unemployment: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Monday, April 28th, 2008I’ve heard people say they’d probably keep working if they won the lottery. Those people are completely full of shit. You really expect me to believe that you’d keep going to your crappy dead-end job day-in day-out if you didn’t need the money? You know - the job that you complain about incessantly and fantasize about quitting on a daily basis? You must have a great work ethic. Either that or you’re mildly retarded, but most retarded people would quit their jobs if they won the lottery1, so I guess that means you have a great work ethic. There’s just one problem with that: you DON’T have a great work ethic, so I guess that means you’re completely full of shit. QED.
I don’t even need a big jackpot to quit my job. Give me a scratch-and-win worth enough cash to buy a baby chimp, a pair of drawstring pants, and a comfortable couch, and I’ll have my desk cleaned out within the hour. Then I’ll swing by Baby Gap, pick up a tiny polo shirt for my new chimp, stop by the liquor store and grab a bottle of whiskey, and head home for the most awesome afternoon of all time.
Then I’ll sober up and realize that I have no job, no savings, and a new baby chimpanzee to feed. Then the chimp will start throwing poop all over my house, and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah - they do that.” Then I’ll try to sell the chimp for animal testing, but the scientists will be like, “We can’t possibly accept this chimp, sir - he’s drunk.” Then I’ll have to open an animal testing facility in the spare bedroom in my apartment, which will make me a ton of money until the animal rights people show up to protest on my front lawn, but then I’ll get evicted and have to find a new apartment, and how the hell am I supposed to find a place in Chicago that will rent an apartment to some unemployed guy with a pet chimpanzee and no shirt on?
See, this is why I don’t play the lottery. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
1 As you all know, scrupulous fact-checking is of the utmost importance here at Cracked.com, and my editors had our research department conduct a comprehensive survey to verify this claim. Of the 2,500 people surveyed, 73% said they would quit their jobs, 4% said they would continue working, and 23% mumbled something about cookies and licked their own hands.
Since most CRACKED readers are obsessive-compulsive basement dwellers with an unhealthy fixation on arcane Soviet-era space programs, I’ll assume that most of you already know that 
