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Madonna on The Cracked Blog

Madonna: Fuglier Than A Keebler Elf

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

So it seems Madonna and her husband, Guy Ritchie, haven’t been having sex lately. Why? Well, according to Madonna, it’s because Ritchie’s cookie diet robbed him of his sex drive. Seriously.

There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t know where to begin. First, cookie diet? Does that even exist? The odds of losing weight eating cookies are about as good as Cracked.com’s chances of winning big at the webbys.

Second, since when do sweets make you want to shun sex? Have you taken a date out to dinner and said, “Oh fuck, maybe if I set fire to the tablecloth before dessert comes I can still get laid tonight.”

And third, I’m not a doctor, but unless a chocolate chip is lodged in Ritchie’s urethra, I’m pretty sure cookies have nothing to do with why he’s not tapping Madonna. That’s just some excuse he made up. “Uh, oh, sex? Uh, gee, I’d love to, but, uh, y’know, I can’t because… um… COOKIES!!! Yeah, cookie diet. Yup. Damn cookies. Otherwise, I’d love to. Oh, and I can’t load the dishwasher because um, there’s a donut monster in our kitchen.” Now some of you may be asking, “Why would anyone want to make up an excuse NOT to have sex with Madonna?” Oh, no reason:

Ya see, I’m sure marrying Madonna seemed like a great idea twenty years ago, but so did snap bracelets. And unlike Madonna, your snap bracelets (I’m looking at you Dan O’Brien) probably have retained some of their natural elasticity. Oh, that reminds me of a joke. What do you call Rudy Guiliani in a wig and a stupid green hat. Give up?

Or maybe I’m wrong. No, not about the cookie’s magic erection-robbing abilities. That’s asinine. Maybe I’m wrong about Madonna’s age being the culprit. Perhaps, Ritchie’s just tired of the non-stop bukkake nightmares he keeps having, starring his wife, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Dennis Rodman, and the 1989 cast of Cats. Give him a break, Madonna. That can’t be easy. And in the meantime, I don’t know, have you considered a substitute? A Twinkie perhaps?

Check out some more Gladstone over HERE and OVER HERE.

Posted in Madonna, Sex | 58 Comments »

Timberlake Speaks Out! But at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, so Very Few People Hear.

Friday, March 14th, 2008

This week’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony accomplished two important feats: giving Justin Timberlake a forum for responding to Gladstone’s hateful comments about him, and bringing the debate as to whether Madonna or Leonard Cohen is a more important musical figure into the public consciousness where it belongs.

Concerning the former revelation, I’ll let J.T. speak for himself. During his speech honoring Madonna, he said “she has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience,” and “the world has always been full of Madonna wannabes, and I might have even dated a couple.”

Well, I think we all recall last Summer, when reports of “Gladstimberlake” and their late nights clubbing clogged every national news outlet. And who could forget their famous “coming out” appearance at the MTV Movie Awards?

But enough’s enough, Gladstone. We know you’re lonely, and bitter, and that you’ve gained an enormous amount of weight since the break-up, but get over it! He’s too much man for you, okay? Moving on.

I’ve always wondered about who was the most relevant, enduring, and important musician in Rock. Naturally, after long nights of flipping through my record collection and marveling at my own retro hipness, it always came down to two clear contenders: Leonard Cohen and Madonna.

I even made this chart to try and decide:

It seemed like Cohen was winning, but then I remembered that although his songs “read” very well, most of them sound like this (wait for 1:50). Plus, I saw this headline about Madonna that really worked in her favor.

Frankly, I was so turned around about the whole thing I nearly had one of my servants commit poignant suicide on a white duvee.

But, thanks to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inducting Committee (comprised of Ace Frehly, Nigel Parry and Janis Joplin’s old pot dealer), this pressing issue may finally be dragged out into the open and, hopefully, resolved in some sort of violent deathmatch.

My thanks to you, Misters Frehly, Parry, and “Gizmo.” You have given all us music buffs some hope, and quite possibly saved my chambermaid’s life.

Vote for Michael’s entry in the YOUTUBE SKETCHIES II Semi-Finals by clicking this link, then “next video” on the randomizer until you see his (”The Hot Farts”), then on the thumbs up. Complicated, isn’t it? Well, do it once per day per registered youtube account.

Posted in I hate my co-bloggers, Justin Timberlake, Leonard Cohen, Madonna, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame | 37 Comments »