Let it be known, faithful readers, that Michael Swaim would risk anything, even his untarnished record of utter reliability, to keep you entertained on your coffee breaks.

That is why, even though I am currently on a five day wilderness hike in Idyllwild (don’t bother trying to find me and get an autograph; I wear a disguise whenever I’m out of the house), I wrote enough blog entries ahead of time so you’d never even know I was gone.

Except now I just told you, so I might as well take it a step further and blog on events I presume are going to occur by the time you read this on Friday, even though I’m writing it on Tuesday.

So what’s the deal with Hannah Montana killing herself? I mean, we all knew she was depressed, but I guess something must have just really pushed her over the edge.

In a totally unrelated story, our own Daniel O’Brien has announced he is quitting blogging, as the Hannah Montana thing was really all he’s got.

We’ll miss you Danny. Maybe now that Bush has been elected to a third “bonus term” you can reprint reader comments about him.

Unless of course your draft number comes up. But I hear Iran is nice this time of year, even with the nuclear winter.

And hey, while you’re over there you can catch a USO show starring America’s newest teen pop sensation, the Propped Up Remains of Lindsay Lohan!

Don’t forget to snap some photos of her with your iDeviceThatDoesEverything.

Also, bears have representation in the Senate now.

See you on Monday, fuckers! I better see nothing but positive comments when I get back. Remember, I have absolutely no way of defending myself and you’re anonymous Internet readers, so it’s your duty to display the utmost respect and sensitivity.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael walks up steep things with heavy weights on his back for fun and then has the brass to make fun of other people.

Normally, I wouldn’t comment on a video. That’s really an art best left to semi-literate, secular, Satanists like my cohort Ross Wolinsky, but while cruising FoxNews, I saw something truly shocking. A story on Lindsay Lohan that defied all expectations.

Was she high? No. Was she having anonymous sex with a stranger? No. Was she exposing her genitalia? No. So where’s the story?

Well, according to FoxNews, LiLo was furious that photographers were snapping pictures of her from behind. Click here to watch Lindsay get mad FoxNews teased.

So I clicked. I must say, her level of anger is truly terrifying. The way she screams. The flailing of arms, the spewing of expletives, the way she devours a baby kitten alive. Or the way she actually does none of that. Personally, I’ve gotten more pissed off waiting in a fast food drive thru line.

But God bless FoxNews. Why would you ever let photographic evidence prevent you from writing a story about a “fuming” celebutante who “stormed off”? Oh, and God bless FoxNews for encrypting its vids with some code that required me to do the most awkward screen shot of all time. (And yes, I tried full screen, but it didn’t work).

The whole of the world’s news media (Starpulse, TMZ, the lady who does my manicures) is abuzz about LiLo’s nude shots in NY Magazine. Well, I suppose it was “Just My Luck” that I happen to know Brent Stern, the photographer who snapped the pics, and he helped me “Get a Clue” about what the experience was like. Sounds like it was quite a “Freaky Friday,” although it occured on a Tuesday. I guess you could say “I Know Who Killed Me!”

So what was it like to re-shoot something you already shot of someone imitating a dead woman they look nothing like? I think I’ll let the man speak for himself. Without further ado, Brent Stern’s behind-the-lens info on the shoot!

“This was our first shot of the day, and classic Marilyn. Nearly perfect, in fact, down to the “tattoo” on Lindsay’s right buttock. Ironically, we had forgotten about the tattoo in Marilyn’s photo; Lindsay just happened to sit in some gunk right before the shot.”

“This pink cloth is supposed to represent the virginal state of the model, a chiffon hymen if you will. True to Marilyn’s original poses, Lindsay had just finished giving oral sex to JFK. Only Lindsay’s JFK was Jerry Frances King, our lighting technician. Way to go, Jer.”

“Naturally, once we got a closer look, we realized a blue polka dot pattern would more accurately represent Ms. Lohan’s disease-ravaged vaginal interior.”

(more…)

With LiLo leaving rehab after a solid month locked up in Utah’s hellish Cirque Lodge (which, if their website is to be believed, offers substance abusers all the benefits of pristine landscapes, horseback riding and awesome-looking helicopters), her next move is anyone’s guess. Will she return to Hollywood and feebly attempt to “work” again, or is she seriously considering going back to school as some have suggested?

“Despite what so many people think, Lindsay is an incredibly smart girl and always wanted to have that college experience.

“She has looked into a few institutions on the east coast and will most likely major in something like psychology. At this stage, New York University is a hot favourite.”

Which “college experience” is she talking about, exactly? The one where her roommate turns out to be a devout Catholic but they learn to get along despite their differences? Eating Kraft Easy Mac in a pair of flannel pajama pants? Penny draft night?

Can you imagine sharing a dorm room with Lindsay Lohan? It would probably be cool for about ten seconds. First you’d be like “Whoa - this girl can party,” but then you’d be like “Whoa - this girl can’t stop partying.” I smell a reality TV show in here somewhere. It’d be like The Real World meets Survivor meets a ravenous red-headed drug-wolf: LiLo moves into an NYU dorm for incoming freshmen, and anyone in the building who manages to actually pass their classes wins. Oh - and one of her roommates will be “ethnic” in some way - maybe Chinese or Indian or something.

There should probably also be a former-army drill sergeant who lives in the dorm and forces her to study. That’ll make it like those send-my-bratty-kid-to-boot-camp specials on daytime talk shows, only way more awesome because instead of being a bratty kid it’s a bratty mid-20s celebrity with substance abuse problems. He can wake LiLo up really early and calls her names and stuff. I think I’ll call it Making The Grade. Are you reading this, FOX?

… so we still write about her here.

Two bits of Lohan news (and the good two bits you might be hoping for) hit the newswire today. First, she wants to go back to making albums (since no one wants to make movies with her anymore). Second, her parents have finally settled their divorce.

CRACKED has obtained this exclusive sneak-peek of what Lohan’s as-yet-unrecorded-and-unreleased album’s track listing looks like:

1. I Am The Cause of My Parents’ Divorce
2. I Am More Than Two Large Breasts; I Also Have a Very Loose Vagina
3. Cocaine (Eric Clapton cover)
4. If You Think This Song Sucks, Imagine Me Singing It While Wearing a Bikini
5. Did I Mention I Have a Lot of Casual Sex?
6. Rock Me Like The Coked-Out Whore I Am
7. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction (Without Illicit Substances)
8. My Mommy Loves Me, But My Daddy Loved Me A Lot More Often, If You Know What I Mean, Wink Wink
9. If You Are A Celebrity and Have a Penis, I Would Like to Engage in Sexual Intercourse With You
10. Stairway to Heaven (Lohantastic Remix)