Note: Today’s Nooner is being written immediately after purchasing Grand Theft Auto IV for Xbox 360. It is sitting unopened on my coffee table right now, and yet here I am, 100% focused on writing, not thinking about Grand Theft Auto IV at all.

My greatest regret isn’t a girl that got away, skipping my high school prom, or not getting to say goodbye to a loved one before they passed away. It isn’t running away from a problem, missing a career opportunity, or getting that tattoo of the kanji symbol for “two-car garage” that the tattoo guy told me meant “strength.” Yes, I’ve done all of those things, and sure, not a moment goes by that I’m not ashamed of every single one of them, but that’s all eclipsed by my greatest regret:

Why the fuck didn’t I commit more crimes when I was young enough to get away with it?

Sure, I broke some bottles and lit some fires when I was younger, and yeah, one time in junior high we stole my friend’s mom’s car (it wasn’t our fault - “Welcome To The Jungle” came on the radio and we got all pumped up), but we only made like two houses down an alley before we crashed into some rubber garbage cans at about 5 mph, and then we ran away and hid until the cops came. On a scale of one to “cool” that ranks somewhere between a two and a “suck.”

Why didn’t we go on a crazy crosstown rampage like this kid did? Maybe we were better behaved, more respectful and fearful of authority. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because this was the pre-Grand Theft Auto era and we just didn’t know how. Not that a rampage in GTA involving two mailboxes and two parked cars would be very impressive, but for a real life 7-year-old? That’s nothing to shake a stick at - particularly considering he couldn’t even see over the steering wheel.

Come to think of it, this might just be some crazy viral advertisement for GTA IV or something. One that, based on my ability to focus intently on writing this Nooner without thinking about GTA IV, is clearly having no effect on me. Which reminds me - I have to go now for a completely unrelated reason.

Drinking Liquid Nitrogen

When I was a little kid, I used to do all kinds of stupid things to impress people. In 2nd grade I told a bunch of people that my dad held the Guinness World Record for “Best Driver” (and that he trained for it by playing Spy Hunter). In 3rd grade I told a kid that I wrote the lyrics to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” for Axl Rose. I had a jacket with all these patches on it, and one of them said “AIRBORNE” on it; I told everyone that a pilot gave it to my mom after she gave birth to me on an airplane.

I stuck gum in my hair at some kid’s house like three times in a row because he dared me to. At first his mom tried to get it out with peanut butter, but that didn’t work very well, so she eventually gave up and cut it out with a pair of scissors. When I did it again a week later, she didn’t bother with the peanut butter. The third time I’m pretty sure she just kicked me out of her house for being stupid.

I used to gather a small crowd in the cafeteria at school, step on my food, and then eat it.

I could go on, but you get the point: I was a weird kid who was willing to do basically anything for attention. I’ve matured quite a bit since then, of course, and have now channeled that impulse and turned it into a prestigious and lucrative career blogging for Cracked.com, but sometimes I wonder, “What would my life be like if I had never learned to control myself?”

Then I saw this video and I was like, “Oh, yeah - I’d be drinking liquid nitrogen and putting it up on YouTube.”

RickRolling The Baby

We all give Rick Astley a hard time without a moment’s hesitation, but think about it: When was the last time a song YOU sang 20 years ago made a baby stop crying?

“Never Gonna Give You Up” is about as popular as a steaming turd in a hot car these days, but this video suggests that hating it might not necessarily be hardwired into the human brain. Could it be that we’ve become too cynical, too far removed from the innocence of childhood to enjoy the simple pleasure that is Rick Astley, or do babies just like shit that sucks? Is this kid being ironic? Are babies capable of that? This video might only be 30 seconds long, but it raises questions that could take a lifetime to answer.

Maybe after the scientific community wraps up all those pesky little problems like AIDS and cancer and global warming and world hunger they can start focusing on something that actually MATTERS. You know - like figuring out the physiological mechanism that’s responsible for making us hate Rick Astley. I’m pretty sure the military would be more than willing to provide funding for the psychological warfare possibilities alone. The Iraqi insurgents are tough, but are they tough enough to withstand the awesome power of a WEAPONIZED RICKROLL?

HealthDay News reports that, according to a recent study, 82 children have died from playing “the choking game” since 1995. If you don’t know how to play the game, then you probably just don’t understand what the word “choking” means. You may have heard of The Choking Game by one of its other names, “blackout game,” “pass out game,” “scarf game,” or “space monkey,” (seriously).

In an effort to achieve a euphoric state, a bunch of kids sit around choking each other all day, just like a bunch of space monkeys, evidently, and some of them, for some reason, die.

You know, I was once a kid and I, miraculously, managed to entertain myself and not choke to death at the same time, and I didn’t even have some of the new-fangled toys the kids are playing with these days, (tamagatchis?). Do I think our children are getting dumber? Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes I do, very much so.

The article goes on to say that 93% of the victims’ parents had no idea this game was being played. First of all, what the fuck, Other-Seven-Percent? Second of all, maybe the problem is just that no one is aware of this Space Monkey phenomenon and, as a respected journalist, it is my duty to spread the word about this very serious, totally retarded problem.

Moving on to what I’m sure will be a recurring feature, I bring you:

This Week in Hating Hannah Montana:

Watchdog and buzz killer Consumer Reports are chastising that bitch who plays Hannah Montana for setting a bad example by failing to wear a seatbelt in her new, freedom-hating, orphan-punching movie, Hannah Montana and the Six Ways to Drown a Puppy. Consumer Reports stated that
“It seems to us that Miley, her father, and Disney had a perfect opportunity to help influence teens and counteract-rather than encourage-this trend.”
You know who else didn’t wear seatbelts? It was the Nazis. The Nazis didn’t wear seatbelts. Everyone knows that; it was one of the few holes in their otherwise airtight military strategy. We, (the Cracked audience and someday, God willing, the world,) are watching you, Montana.

PS Did you guys hear Hannah Montana invented Space Monkey? True story.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Sarah And Hannah Had A Sad, Sad New Year’s Eve

It might be sad to think about these two girls all alone on New Year’s Eve, singing their little song and dancing around an empty living room, but I have a feeling that things are going to change for these two after this video starts making the rounds at their junior high. I’m sure that as soon as their peers hear their clever lyrics (not to mention their lovely singing voices) and see their amazing choreography the party invitations are going to come rolling in. Soon they’ll be at all the coolest parties, playing crazy games like Where In Time Is Carmen Sandiego? and “Carry The Rice Grains Across The Room On A Butter Knife” every weekend. Things will be more relaxed during the week, though: they might go over to one of the cool kids’ houses after school and watch a popular afternoon sitcom like Saved By The Bell or Growing Pains. Then they’ll head down to the mall to buy Hypercolor shirts and Paula Abdul CDs, grab some pizza at McDonalds and call it a day.

I’m pretty sure this video is going to make these two the most popular girls in their school. Trust me - I know what the kids are into these days.

(Yet Another) Wildcard Week!!!

PAPERTOILET.COM

I was going to say this weird website was cool for a minute. It’s a toilet paper roll simulator - which is pretty much the most useless thing I can think of - but I thought its pointlessness was kind of awesome, a good representation of everything that’s great about the internet. Then I found out that it’s a “piece” by an artist named Rafael Rozendaal who makes all kinds of other weird internet art, like jellotime.com and flamingcursor.com.

Now I just feel like I got tricked into liking art.

I still like this toilet paper roll simulator, though. So much so that I unrolled the entire thing just to see what would happen. I’m not going to spoil it for you, but I will say that it’s a little bit disappointing.

It IS art, though. Maybe I just don’t “get it.”

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Three Layers of Zwarte Piet

Christmas might be behind us, but I think this video of Zwarte Piet kicking some kid in the face transcends the holiday season.

There are three layers to understanding why this 12 second video is funny. I have some time to kill right now, so I’d be more than happy to walk you through them if you’re interested.

Zwarte Piet (aka Black Pete) is a black slave from Spain who was emancipated by the Dutch Santa Claus (Sinterklaas). Rather than enjoy his freedom alone, he opted instead to accompany Saint Nick on his travels. If Dutch children are good, Zwarte Piet will bring them presents. If they’re bad, he’ll “stuff them in his huge dufflebag and spirit them away to Spain.” That is the first layer.

To continue the grand tradition of Zwarte Piet, the Netherlands have to embrace institutionalized minstrel shows. That’s the second layer in a nutshell.

The third layer is the fact that a kid gets kicked in the face. I’m not sure if that constitutes its own layer of hilarity, but even if it’s just two layers total I’m pretty sure this video is still hilarious. You know - because foreign cultures are weird and it’s funny when kids get kicked in the face.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Slide Owns Kid… Twice

I’ll admit it: yesterday was a little rough. Racism, stereotypes, puppets… it wasn’t for everyone, and several commenters made it abundantly clear that they didn’t think Chuck Knipp’s portrayal of southern black women was very funny. Today, I’d like to make up for it with a video of something I’m pretty sure we can all get behind: parents laughing at their injured, sobbing children.

I’m not a parent, but I’m pretty sure that openly laughing at your child after they do something stupid is a good rule of thumb. It sends a very clear message: “You have room for improvement.” Sure, you could rush to his side and tell him that he did a great job of climbing that slide, but you’d both know that wasn’t true. That would be a lie, and while it might temporarily boost his self-esteem, recent studies have shown that it would probably actually harm him in the long run.

Moral of the story? Laugh at your children when they hurt themselves and they will be very successful. Like they’ll grow up and become lawyers and politicians. That IS what you want, ISN’T IT?

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Neverending stories of impending global catastrophe, ecological disaster, and geopolitical meltdown got you down? Well, friends, set aside those difficult-to-digest plates of unpalatable facts and get ready for some less intestinally-distressing fare, because it’s time once again for my roundup of all the news you absolutely, positively, don’t need to know at all. Let’s get to it!

Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul: Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”

Amy Winehouse Kills Again: The rampaging tornado of whirling drugs and crusty makeup known as Amy Winehouse has claimed another innocent victim—this time, a harmless hamster. The adorable, formerly live and pooping hamster met his fate at Winehouse’s hands last year at the apartment of Palladium singer Peter Pepper, who said, “I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, (the hamster) bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it… But I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back, Amy said she’s put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard.” (This is believed to be the last time Winehouse made anything hard.) How many more victims must this menace claim before someone puts a stop to her reign of terror and lousy soul music? Who will protect us and our pets? (As an incentive to any drug dealers who may be inclined to put her out of our misery, I should add that Winehouse’s body mass is now thought to consist of at least 40% pure cocaine.)

Alba Gives Regards to Broadway: Jessica Alba, who would be the very definition of my perfect woman if she were only unable to speak, has decided to show off the artistic range she displayed in such cinematic tours de force as Honey and The Fantastic Four by taking on Broadway. The star is set to appear in the role of Karen in David Mamet’s classic “Speed-the-Plow.” (In a bonus bit of unnecessary news, it turns out that David Mamet and Sidney Lumet are not the same person.) However, Mamet is rumored to be customizing the play to showcase Alba’s unique talents, as indicated by his revision of the script to a one-page sheet consisting of the words “Enter KAREN, naked. Two hours pass. CURTAIN.”

[More Unnecessary News here.]

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Infamous “Charles Johnson” Video

What a week, huh? In just five short days, I’ve managed to find something bad to say about college students who play beer pong, women with long fingernails, game show contestants and pretty much everyone who lives in Germany. I’m spent.

For that reason, I refuse to say a single negative word about “The Infamous ‘Charles Johnson’ Video.” How could I? It’s just kids being kids, right? Children doing what we’ve all done at some point in our lives: having fun with a video camera. Uttering nonsensical words, screaming like idiots and making explosion sounds while jumping on their beds. It’s beautiful in a way. Like watching a young fawn take its first steps on shaky little legs.

One day these fawns’ legs will be less shaky, though. These two boys will grow more and more confident until one day, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after that, but one day they will no longer be boys at all.

They will be all grown up and completely, 100% retarded.

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