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Gwyneth Paltrow Helps Kate Moss Have Crack Baby

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

News has it that Kate Moss is so desperate for a baby that she’s switching to Gwyneth Paltrow’s eccentric macrobiotic diet in the hopes it will help her conceive.

Wow. There are so many odd things about that.

For starters, I’ve never imagined that Kate Moss and Gwyneth Paltrow could live together in the same sentence. Y’know, except maybe in some sort of Goofus and Gallant construction like “At a dinner party, Gwyneth always politely excuses herself before getting up from the table; Kate leaves to snort blow off the hostess’ coffee table.”

The other weird thing is that, although I’ve always been told that Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss are super hot, I’ve never, ever, under any circumstances, been attracted to these ladies. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have these two images emblazoned into my retinas, but even before that, I just never drank the Kool Aid. And, now, after all these years, here they are in one useless celeb story.

But what strikes me most about this report is that Kate Moss was faced with fertility problems and her first solution was to start eating like a pale, once-famous, pseudo Englishwoman.
I think a simpler answer is at hand.

Ms. Moss, I understand your desire for a child, and, if I may, I’d like to suggest an alternative to eating like a rabbit with food allergies.

The key to getting pregnant is predicting when you are ovulating. Accordingly, plot your last menses on a calendar and then count forward 7 – 10 days. Science also tells us that the female body jumps slightly in temperature preceding ovulation. You may want to start plotting your temperature on a daily basis to help you predict the prime time for your chance to conceive.

Then, and this is very important, eat a damn sandwich or something. And stop doing all that blow. You’re trying to conceive a child, not a twitching Dunkin’ Donuts powdered sugar Munchkin.

Check out some more Gladstone over HERE. And his latest YouTube video HERE.

Posted in Celebrities are Beautiful, Eating Disorder, Kate Moss, People I Don't Care About Who Make Blogging Possible | 15 Comments »

Cracked Entertainment Corner!!!!11!!

Thursday, January 10th, 2008

cashdead.gifSince the regular author of Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! is on vacation, I’ve decided to fill you in on a topic that is just as important, and probably has more truth to it than all those wishy-washy science “theories” like “man evolved from apes” or “Ron Paul did 9/11″—I’m speaking, of course, of the wonderful world of entertainment news!

I Am Cellphone Man: Black Sabbath frontman and noted pooper-scooper Ozzy Osbourne has finally entered the 21st century, receiving his first cellphone at the age of 59. However, daughter Kelly isn’t so thrilled:

He never had a mobile before and I f**king hate it. He calls me all the time. I was out having dinner with my friends the other night and he called me and said, ‘I’ve just got to tell you. I’ve been listening to your album. It’s really good. I don’t know why it didn’t do so well.

When asked about the compliment later, Osborne noted that he was pretty sure he had been speaking to Beethoven.

Guess They’ll Have to Make Do with Buttsex: Forty years ago this month, Johnny Cash performed at Folsom Prison, and the result was an iconic moment in popular music history. An attempt to recreate the classic performance on its anniversary has been canceled, however, much to the disappointment of the show’s promoter and prison inmates:

Prison officials called off the show late Monday, citing problems over filming rights, media access and security concerns… The show, which would have been streamed worldwide over the Internet, was to have been underwritten by four nonprofit groups that were to share the venture’s profit.

Although concert planners initially believed that the security and copyright issues could be resolved, they were forced to concede that the show had to be scrapped when they received the devastating news last week that Johnny Cash died in 2003.

The Mama and the Poppers: When Kate Moss, supermodel and primary export partner of the nation of Colombia, was unable to find a baby-sitter for her 5-year-old daughter on New Years’ Eve, she did what any caring parent would—took the kid clubbing in Thailand:

A source tells New York gossip column PageSix, “Kate was dancing around with Lila, and they were sipping champagne until well past midnight. But Kate was definitely being a mom. She was with her daughter the whole time.”

When asked to describe ways in which she demonstrated her mothering skills, Moss noted that she made sure her daughter followed three simple rules for staying safe:

  • Liquor before beer, never fear
  • I don’t care what Jamie Lynn said, Red Bull is not a contraceptive; and
  • No matter how pretty the lady is, don’t snort anything off her penis

Posted in Celebrities, Death, Kate Moss, Music, Ozzy Osbourne | 6 Comments »

eBay Loves Kate Moss

Friday, December 28th, 2007

Well apparently Kate Moss was the most popular celebrity on eBay in 2007, with 30,481 items relating to her sold on the internet auction site.

Wow. that’s an odd stat, but i will accept it as true for two reasons. I got it from Starpulse and they are never wrong, but, more importantly, because I own all 30,481 items. 2007 was a busy year for me. Here’s some of my favorite purchases:

A Kleenex used and discarded by Kate Moss containing mucuus, cocaine, and what’s left of her septum.

An autographed copy of a self-help book entitled “Why Woman Who Aren’t Nearly As Beautiful As Some People Say They Are, But Still Attractive, Date Some Of The Most Hideous Men On The Planet, Specifically, Pete Doherty”

A piece of watercress she nibbled on from 1993-1996

A break-up letter to Johnny Depp reading, in part, “Piss Off you TV loser. You’ll never be a big star like me.”

And, perhaps my favorite, a picture of Kate’s famous Obsession print ad with a special sexy message:

___

Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

 

Posted in Kate Moss, People I Don't Care About Who Make Blogging Possible | 15 Comments »