I was supposed to be on a two week vacation from Cracked. I’d even cleared everything with my editor, Jack O’Brien. But late last night, I got a desperate phone call:

“Gladstone. Come back. I need you.”

By an amazing coincidence, a compliant and sexual curious Gillian Anderson had said the same thing to me only hours earlier. But this was different. This was Jack. And he was in a bad way. At first, I assumed he was still grieving over his ridiculous decision not to feature my Radiohead video on the home page. But, incredibly, it turned out that wasn’t it at all.

“It’s my girlfriend,” he said. “I think. . . I think she’s fucking Justin Timberlake!”

I was shocked. I’d known Jack for almost three years and not once in all that time did it ever occur to me that he was straight. But apparently, as Jack explained, he’d been in a serious relationship with Miranda “LaserBeam” Johannsen —dental hygienist and former American Gladiator— for over six months. I tried to take that all in as I quietly unwrapped the Village People box set I was about to send him for his birthday.

“Gladstone, are you there?”

“Not only am I here, but I know four simple steps to help you find out for sure.”

“Could you tell me?” Jack asked. “And more importantly, could you turn it into a column because, I gotta admit, the blog’s turned to pure crap without you the last ten days.”

FOUR SURE-FIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SCREWING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

1. She Keeps Grooming You To Look More White Trash and/or Orthodox Jew

Seriously, how does he do it? With a minimum of effort Timberlake can go from the kind of trailer trash who puts pork rinds on a fluffernutter sandwich to the truly devout who shuns both pork and shellfish based on passages in the book of Leviticus. Most impressive, is that Timberlake achieves both these extremes in his failed attempts to be Black. I’m not sure why your girlfriend digs this. Perhaps, her first love was Rabbi Scooter Bob Horowitz? But you know what they say: “Once white trash/Orthodox Jew in a failed attempt to be Black, never back.” So odds are good that if she’s bedding down with Timberlake, then she’ll want more of that good stuff from you.

Jack’s Score:

Yes, Jack can be made to look white trash — hell, he does that to himself by shopping at the last remaining Chess King in existence— but make this guy look Jewish? The only time people say “Jack O’Brien” and “beard” in the same sentence is when they’re referring to his girlfriend (who may or may not be fucking Justin Timberlake).

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This week’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony accomplished two important feats: giving Justin Timberlake a forum for responding to Gladstone’s hateful comments about him, and bringing the debate as to whether Madonna or Leonard Cohen is a more important musical figure into the public consciousness where it belongs.

Concerning the former revelation, I’ll let J.T. speak for himself. During his speech honoring Madonna, he said “she has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience,” and “the world has always been full of Madonna wannabes, and I might have even dated a couple.”

Well, I think we all recall last Summer, when reports of “Gladstimberlake” and their late nights clubbing clogged every national news outlet. And who could forget their famous “coming out” appearance at the MTV Movie Awards?

But enough’s enough, Gladstone. We know you’re lonely, and bitter, and that you’ve gained an enormous amount of weight since the break-up, but get over it! He’s too much man for you, okay? Moving on.

I’ve always wondered about who was the most relevant, enduring, and important musician in Rock. Naturally, after long nights of flipping through my record collection and marveling at my own retro hipness, it always came down to two clear contenders: Leonard Cohen and Madonna.

I even made this chart to try and decide:

It seemed like Cohen was winning, but then I remembered that although his songs “read” very well, most of them sound like this (wait for 1:50). Plus, I saw this headline about Madonna that really worked in her favor.

Frankly, I was so turned around about the whole thing I nearly had one of my servants commit poignant suicide on a white duvee.

But, thanks to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inducting Committee (comprised of Ace Frehly, Nigel Parry and Janis Joplin’s old pot dealer), this pressing issue may finally be dragged out into the open and, hopefully, resolved in some sort of violent deathmatch.

My thanks to you, Misters Frehly, Parry, and “Gizmo.” You have given all us music buffs some hope, and quite possibly saved my chambermaid’s life.

Vote for Michael’s entry in the YOUTUBE SKETCHIES II Semi-Finals by clicking this link, then “next video” on the randomizer until you see his (”The Hot Farts”), then on the thumbs up. Complicated, isn’t it? Well, do it once per day per registered youtube account.

Every once in awhile the media exalts some random celebrity to renaissance man status. Right now, that man is Justin Timberlake.

First, he was a successful boybander. Then, a hit solo artist. Then he turned up in a movie. It doesn’t matter that it was a rape fantasy soft core midget porn movie; it was still a movie!!

And now the Grammy winner is executive producer on a new show called My Problems With Women.

Wow. Is there anything this annoying, no-talent, scrawny piece of a shit can’t do?

He’s really got it all:

• Crying like a little bitch on Punk’d? Check!
• Satisfying his older lady fantasies with the only “beautiful” woman who bears a resemblance to Max Schmelling? Check!!
• Somehow capturing the look of BOTH redneck white trash and Orthodox Jew? Check!!!

Seriously, enough with this guy. Men will admit that Brad Pitt and George Clooney are attractive. Men don’t even mind that their girlfriends openly masturbate during Oceans 11. But I have yet to meet one dude who looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I wish I looked more like the sniveling little brother of a bayou serial rapist.”

I’m not buying it. Timberlake is not Da Vinci. He’s just some dude. If he were taking your order at the McDonalds Drive Thru, you’d definitely double-check the bag before driving away. And you just KNOW, he’d totally forget the Sweet N’ Sour sauce you clearly asked for.

Am I wrong?