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You Know What You Are? A Self-Loathing Goat: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Dear Jewish Defense League,

My name is Ross Wolinsky. I’m a Jew, a Cracked blogger, and an all-around good guy. We’ve never met before, but that’s probably because I never had a good reason to write to you… until today. Sure, I’ve encountered some light anti-semitism in the past (growing up, sometimes my friends would call me “bignose” or “diamond-hoarding devil banker who lives at the center of the Earth and controls global geopolitics”), but that’s probably to be expected when you’re one of the chosen people. I dealt with those problems myself back then. “Don’t hate the player - hate the game,” I told them, coining an idiom that would take the rap scene by storm years later.

“Also, shut up, Gandhi dothead,” I added. You know - because the kid was Indian.

That’s all water under the bridge now, but today I came across a video on The YouTube and knew almost immediately that I needed to write you. Only you, Jewish Defense League, are capable of righting this most egregious wrong.

I have no problem with viewing a digitized likeness of a goat on YouTube. I’m not sure what the Torah has to say about looking at digitized goat likenesses, but my guess is that it’s okay as long as you’re not drinking a glass of milk at the same time. I also don’t care that the women in this video are completely fixated on the goat’s balls, even though it’s weird and could probably be the subject of an entire Nooner in and of itself. No - I’m writing you today because it’s obvious that the goat featured in this video, with his nasal voice, whiny demeanor and overbearing greediness, is perpetuating a negative Jewish stereotype.

And that’s not even to mention the horns and cloven hooves.

You’re probably wondering, Jewish Defense League, “What does this hilarious and handsome Cracked blogger want us to do? Email The YouTube and have them take the video down?” That’s a nice sentiment, but with so many video-sharing sites out there I don’t think that would be enough. If you’re really committed to the cause, Jewish Defense League, now is your chance to prove it: Head down to the Jambbas Ranch in Fayetteville, NC, find that goat, and put him in a body bag. Or maybe just bring him some books that will teach him to be proud of his heritage. I guess it’s your call.

Oh, and hey, Jewish Defense League: as long as I’ve got your attention, is 26 too old for a Bar Mitzvah? Hit me back.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky

Posted in Animals, Jews, Nooners, Video | 23 Comments »

Jews Can’t Sing: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008

Awesome Video Of The Day

That’s What Friends Are For

On September 4, 1993, Seth became a man. Then his entire family got wasted and attempted to sing a Dionne Warwick song. 15 years later you’re sitting here watching it on the internet. Kinda weird how that worked out, isn’t it?

I’d like to know more about Seth’s family. What’s up with the chick on the left who looks like she wants to kill herself? Who’s the wacky old man with the inflatable guitar? Perhaps most importantly, don’t any of them realize that a single karaoke microphone isn’t going to pick up nine peoples’ voices?

I’m not going to say anything mean-spirited about this family for a couple of reasons: (1) I actually find this video adorable and heartwarming; (2) Perhaps as a result of (1) I can’t really think of anything to make fun of them for (other than the fact that they are completely tone deaf and don’t seem to understand how microphones work); and (3) I never had a Bar Mitzvah, so I’m technically not even a man1 and not in a position to make fun of anything. I really wanted to have a Bar Mitzvah, too - those kids made BANK and all they had to do was memorize some Hebrew noises. But then I would’ve had to go to Hebrew school and I probably would’ve missed Beavis & Butthead. We were all out of blank VHS tapes, too, so I couldn’t even record it. So yeah - I blame my dad. If he had just gone to the store and bought some fucking blank VHS tapes maybe I would’ve gone to Hebrew school and become a man2.

Okay, I admit it: I’m a terrible Jew.

1 Although I wonder: If a Jew never has a Bar Mitzvah, does he become a man when he loses his virginity? Not that I’ve ever had sex before (I’m only 26), but hypothetically speaking, does boning negate the whole never-becoming-a-man thing?

2 FUCK YOU, DAD! I HATE YOU!

Posted in Jews, Music, Nooners, Singing, Video | 27 Comments »