Awesome Video Of The Day

Jetpacks Are Boring

There was a time that I would’ve said having a jetpack would be unconditionally awesome. Who needs concrete plans when you have a jetpack, right? All you have to do is float around 50 feet off the ground, aimlessly firing thrusters and going wherever the winds blow.

That’s what I used to think, anyway, but these days the idea of having a jetpack doesn’t really do much for me. I guess it would be alright, but 50 feet isn’t really that high in the grand scheme of things, and not NEARLY high enough to consider “soaring majestically.” Plus, what am I going to be soaring not-so-majestically over, anyway? A parking lot? Maybe an IHOP if I’m lucky? I’m sure it would be fun to fly around with it for a little while, but after the initial novelty wears off all you’re really left with is an awesome-but-impractical mode of transportation that will most likely eventually kill you.

Chances are I’d blast off, and it would be cool for about 15 minutes, and then I’d be like, “Alright - what now?” Then I’d land at the local hipster bar to show off my cool new jetpack, but I’d have no idea how to lock it up, and all my friends would go inside. They’d be like, “You alright?” and I’d be like, “Yeah - I’ll be there in a minute.” Then I’d strap back in and fly around for a while, all alone, until I started getting text messages like “where you @?!” or “u comin bro?” Then I’d throw the thing in a dumpster, go to the same shitty bar I always go to, and get a drink. It’d be a night pretty much like any other, except I’d have gotten there with a jetpack. The future is now, and guess what? It’s just as shitty as everything else. Buy me a beer.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Backwards Feet Throw It Down

It’s been a rough week, but hey - THANK GOODNESS IT’S FRIDAY, right?! I’d like to send you off on your weekend with something positive and uplifting, something that will make all of your problems seem petty and small and bullshitty in comparison. Your boss might be a jerk, and maybe you can’t quite afford that Crate & Barrel papasan (even though it would look awesome in that spare room), but hey - at least your feet aren’t backwards.

This guy is one of five people in the United States with backwards feet, but you know what? He’s not letting it get him down. Instead, he lugs his boombox out to Venice Beach, dances his ass off and tells his audience they don’t know SHIT about urban street dancing, about how to deal with the disabled, or even about how to deal with their own lives. “The world don’t owe you shit,” he says. “You owe yourself hard work, dedication and self-respect to get what you want in life. Very simple.” And you thought you were just watching some dude with backwards feet dance around all weird. Little did you know you were learning a life lesson.

I just wrote a whole paragraph that I deleted about how he’s a wigger suffering from a Napoleon complex and how someone should challenge him to a race, but then I deleted it because I realized that I found this guy’s story genuinely inspiring. I’ve talked shit about pretty much every video I’ve posted on this blog so far, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about this guy¹. Which means that I will probably never, EVER post anything even remotely inspiring ever again. Inspiration is NOT funny.

(Thanks, Ian)

¹ Other than the fact that the close-up shots that don’t show his legs make him look like a totally normal douchebag that I would be perfectly comfortable making fun of. Oh - and the fact that he’s probably a little too cocky for his own good. And the fact that he seems like the kind of guy who would take a casual drinking contest WAY too far and fall down shitfaced, and all these people would try to help him up because, you know, he’s disabled, and he’d scream “I’M FINE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” But he still wouldn’t be able to get up, and everyone would get really quiet, and he would stumble around for a while and eventually leave the party or bar or whatever, but it would probably be pretty uncomfortable for a little while (unless it was a big, noisy party, in which case nobody would really notice).

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Slide Owns Kid… Twice

I’ll admit it: yesterday was a little rough. Racism, stereotypes, puppets… it wasn’t for everyone, and several commenters made it abundantly clear that they didn’t think Chuck Knipp’s portrayal of southern black women was very funny. Today, I’d like to make up for it with a video of something I’m pretty sure we can all get behind: parents laughing at their injured, sobbing children.

I’m not a parent, but I’m pretty sure that openly laughing at your child after they do something stupid is a good rule of thumb. It sends a very clear message: “You have room for improvement.” Sure, you could rush to his side and tell him that he did a great job of climbing that slide, but you’d both know that wasn’t true. That would be a lie, and while it might temporarily boost his self-esteem, recent studies have shown that it would probably actually harm him in the long run.

Moral of the story? Laugh at your children when they hurt themselves and they will be very successful. Like they’ll grow up and become lawyers and politicians. That IS what you want, ISN’T IT?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Shirley Q. Liquor Goes To K-Mark

WARNING: Today’s video IS not FUNNY in any way, shape or form. It portrays hurtful racist stereotypes, and although it does so in an entertaining voice I can assure that it IS not FUNNY. I can’t speak for my fellow bloggers (I’m pretty sure that Swaim is a card-carrying Klan member), but I can tell you that I personally DOn’t THINK THIS VIDEO IS FUNNY.

Okay? Okay.

Shirley Q. Liquor is a character that was created by Chuck Knipp, a drag comedian who is also an ordained chaplain, registered nurse, and active member of the ACLU and Libertarian Party. On top of all this, he somehow manages to find the time to caricature southern black women and put it up on YouTube. Impressive!

His live performances have been protested several times, apparently, but I can’t figure out why. Maybe they’re picketed by people who hate the ACLU, or people who really hate drag comedians. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he PERFORMS IN BLACKFACE. I don’t know. People can be so touchy.

While his critics call him a bigot, Knipp defends himself by saying he’s “lancing the boil of institutionalized racism.” I know I’m playing with fire by putting this question forward, but here goes nothing: What do YOU think?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Skaters Rule, Bikers Drool

If you’re like me, you don’t really like watching anything more than 10 seconds long. That can make things difficult sometimes, but as this video shows, a lot can happen in 10 seconds. Be sure to watch it with the sound on. That’s really important.

If you get into a fight at a skatepark and you whip the other kid with a branch, that’s pretty bad. But if you whip a kid with a branch, get hit with a skateboard and collapse to the ground crying, well, I don’t even know what that is to be honest. Viral video infamy, I guess.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Goodbye, Dignity

Last week’s Daily Nooners were marginally classy by Cracked.com standards. We explored different cultures (Japan, Canada and China), we looked at the occasionally baffling world of haute couture… it was like a barely-literate New Yorker or something, but it was also a litmus test to figure out if the Cracked Blog was capable of carrying itself with a touch of class and worldliness. Everything was going great for a minute: People were talking about socialized medicine and martial arts, discussing our cultural differences in a polite and generally agreeable manner. You could feel the winds of change blowing, a new, more sophisticated day dawning on the horizon…

Then some guy named “Choocher” showed up and started talking about “little asian baby balls.”

This is why we can’t have nice things. I hope you all enjoy this video of a girl barfing all over herself in zero gravity.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Lex Luger Loses His Shit

Interviewing wrestlers must be hard. They probably give you a long list of things NOT to do when you first get the job, like keeping food in your pockets or looking them square in the eyes. Still, I’ve gotta hand it to this guy: He managed to keep his cool in the face of utter catastrophe.

I’ve also gotta hand it to Lex Luger: He did his best, all things considered. But unless this clip was being aired live, why in the name of God did it get out?! Did this meet the producers’ and directors’ general standard of excellence? It’s usually pretty high in the world of professional wrestling. The only explanation I can come up with is that the cameraman was slated to film an anti-steroids PSA the next day and decided to kill two birds with one stone.

(edit: A friend of mine - one who actually follows wrestling - says this video is “Tron Guy old.” Hopefully there are still a handful of people who haven’t seen it.)

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Falls Up An Escalator

I feel kind of bad about posting this. On the one hand, it’s kind of mean-spirited to laugh at an old person falling up an escalator, but on the other hand, you know, people falling down is funny. Kurt Vonnegut once said that he thought people falling down was the funniest thing in the world, and he was a “Humanist” so I think that means it’s okay to laugh at. Then again, guess how Vonnegut died earlier this year?

Yup - falling down.

At any rate, I’m really only posting this to demonstrate how FULLY it’s possible to fall down. Not in terms of extreme heights or speeds (we’ve all seen videos of people face planting harder than this), but in terms of THOROUGHNESS. I’ve never seen a more drawn-out fall in my entire life. It takes an eternity.

Did he think it was going DOWN instead of up? If so, why was he trying to get on? That would’ve put him right where he wanted before he even stepped onto the escalator. Maybe there’s no point in diagramming a SICK 360°. Bottom line? It’s funny when people fall down. End of story.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics

Yes… The Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics. A magical wonderland where you can sit around someone’s one-bedroom apartment, practicing the lost arts of fake-swordplay, kickboxing and playing Magic the Gathering while surrounded by belly dancing goth chicks. It might not be an accredited, degree-granting university, but it’s got a YouTube commercial with a really epic theme song. What more do you want?

Located in Westbrook, Maine, the Unicorn Cove School seeks to “bring about positivity and light, and to educate in the matters of the metaphysical, the spiritual, the paranormal and the mystical.” To that end, they offer courses in Psychic Development, Beginning Mysticism, Energy Work and HULA DANCING. They also have a program called the Unicorn Rangers Psychic Police Department. You know - just in case you’re ready to leave the dull worlds of rational thought and normal human interaction completely behind.

And I thought I was hot shit with my fancy liberal arts degree. All this time I could’ve been a Psychic Unicorn Cop!

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Girl Dances, Dog Humps

It doesn’t get much funnier than a dorky preteen dancing provocatively on her webcam while her parents are away, but if you really wanted to make it funnier how would you do it? You’ve only got a few options:

Come to think of it, you could throw a humping dog into the background of pretty much any video and it would become instantly funnier. The lunar landing, the Zapruder film, the Berlin Wall falling - it’d be like whitewashing history… with hilarity.

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