With the release of its Wikipedia-killing user-generated infocenter site Knol, Google hopes to at long last officially own the entire Internet, rather than merely by unspoken agreement as it stands today.

Knol, named after a “unit of knowledge,” and NOT a bastardization of the hyena men from Dungeons and Dragons as I’d originally assumed, is looking to be pretty fantastic, and Google is sparing no hyperbole in the lead-up to its launch:

There are millions of people who possess useful knowledge that they would love to share, and there are billions of people who can benefit from it. We believe that many do not share that knowledge today simply because it is not easy enough to do that.

Yes, clearly it’s far too difficult for the average person to share their knowledge on the Internet. That totally explains this Wikipedia entry. And this one. And THIS one. And these comments.

But inane PR posturing aside, Knol does have some key differences from Wiki that might make it worth your while, or doom it to crash and burn. For example, they’re going to incorporate Google AdWords and allow authors to get paid for their Knol pages based on how many hits they get.

On one hand, this could mean a lot of incentive for knowledgeable people to post valuable information. On the other, far more likely hand, this will mean that the phrase “Nude Pics of Scarlett Johansson” will have 1,300 entries, all promising you the absolute nudest pics if you just click this external link right here.

Naturally, that link will take you to the author’s other Knol entry page about pirates, ninjas, zombies, their fights with Chuck Norris, and anything else they think will bring in the hits.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Death From Above

Winter. To some it means Christmas, hot chocolate in front of the fireplace, wrapping a scarf around a snowman’s neck and sledding down a picturesque hill. To me personally, though, it means putting my life into the hands of fate and hoping I don’t get hit by a giant falling chunk of ice.

If you live in a city where it snows, then you’ve probably seen those “CAUTION: FALLING ICE” signs they put on the sidewalk outside of skyscrapers. I’ve never really understood the point of those: if the ice is gonna fall, it’s gonna fall. I’m convinced that getting hit by falling ice would kill you instantly. It would be painless. All these signs do is create the pain of anticipation without actually preventing anything. They should use these signs to apologize ahead of time just in case you get hit. You know, like “CAUTION: THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THIS FALLING ICE,” or “CAUTION: LIFE IS A TOTAL CRAPSHOOT.”

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Terry’s Chop Shop

Proving once again that you can find pretty much anything you want on the web is Terry’s Chop Shop, a blog dedicated to, well, chopping stuff. It’s about time, too. I’m actually kind of surprised it took this long. According to his “About Me” section:

“Ever since I was a boy I have had a burning desire to chop. Some call it an obsessive compulsion, others have told me i’m clinically insane. But for me it’s simply a release. When I have my axe in my hand and i’m ready to slice open an inanimate object to see what’s inside, it’s like I go somewhere else - I call it the choppy place.”

Fair enough, Terry, but I think I could have told you what was inside that CLEAR GLASS PERFUME BOTTLE. I can relate, though - ever since I was a little boy I’ve had a burning desire to stack tiny pieces of plastic next to historically significant landmarks. When I do it, it’s like I’m in my own little world - I call it “the stacky place.” You’ve inspired me, Terry, and as soon as I get enough video together I’m going to launch my own blog. I think I’ll call it “Ross’s Stack Shack.”

Thanks for the boost of confidence, Terry. Now go chop some shit up.

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Sure, there’s a lot to hate about my co-bloggers: Michael Swaim’s virulent racism; Chris Buckholz’s obsession with child pornography (That’s what Heroes is about, right? I’ve never seen it), and Ian Cooper’s inability to tell black hats from white ones.

But if I had to focus my hatred squarely on one of my peers, I’d to have to go for Ross Wolinsky. “What? The wacky clip guy?” you say. “Surely, he never hurt anyone.”

Well, of course, Ross seems harmless. That’s his trick. If the devil blogged about murdered children that would be too obvious! But Ross with his invisible tacos and handicable breakdancers has moved in under the radar — purveying his evil directly to the masses.

Specifically, I’m referring to his Halloween post where he brought us this clip:

(BTW, you’ll notice that I reproduced the clip in full size. Was that so hard, Wolinsky? Why so stingy? No wonder Swaim calls you a cheap Jew bastard behind your back.) Anyway, seems like just a harmless little bit of horrible music brought to you by Mr. Wolinsky, right? Maybe to you. Maybe to me. But what about the children? Ross has completely ignored the damage that could ensue by putting forth such video. I offer, as proof, my son who had been enjoying The Beatles, David Bowie, and The Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack before Ross came into our lives. Now he spends his days alone in our basement doing this all day long:

Damn, you Wolinsky. Damn you straight to Hell.

Were you able to load this post? Consider yourself lucky. A new study has shown that as early as 2010, loading a thick, content-rich post like this one (note the use of multimedia to the right and above) will crash the Internet faster than the Hindenburg flying through an electrical storm.

Why? Because you broke it.

Flashy Myspace pages featuring wall-to-wall gifs and the music of Kenny G, endless Youtube uploads of QVC clips, all just to fuel some pathetic humor-farm’s crass attempt at entertainment…the list goes on.

Quite simply, there’s too much Internet, and not enough tubes to hold it all. To make the metaphor as clear as possible, imagine we’ve got eight things and, like, three tubes. And each tube only holds two things.

Get the picture?!

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Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee is showing the electorate he’s pretty hip for a guy who doesn’t believe in evolution. His latest commercial plays off the popular “Chuck Norris Facts” internet phenomenon:

Okay, not the funniest thing he could have done. (Some Mike Huckabee Facts might have been better, but he gets points for trying.) Still, politics is a competitive game and he’s not the only candidate who knows how to turn internet trends into crafty marketing. Here are some other things we can expect to see as election time closes in.

Starting next month, voters will get a good laugh and Barack Obama will get some much-needed internet-cred with this new website: www.OBAMA4PREZ.com

Soon after, Hillary Clinton will add LOLCATS technology to her her campaign posters:

But it will be Rudy Guiliani who will capture the internet zeitgeist with 1Rudy1Cup:

(This post was made possible by a generous humor grant from the Matthew Tobey Foundation.)

Awesome Video Of The Day

Pen Spinning!

I’m not usually into internet videos of people getting hurt, but this one transcends the run-of-the-mill, poor-bastard-gets-hit-by-a-bus genre.

He starts off solid. Cocky even, like he’s some sort of Bruce Lee of pen flipping. He adjust the camera, starts doing some of his awesome moves, then BOOM - the light explodes. He freaks out, and that’s satisfying enough, but it gets better. So much better.

I feel bad laughing at the guy but someone needed to put him in his place, and that someone turned out to be an electrical current. Sure, he may have been seriously injured, but you know what? If I got electrocuted and made a noise like that, I wouldn’t be mad if everyone laughed. Provided I still possessed the necessary motor skills, I might even laugh along. If I’m already on the ground convulsing, SOMEONE might as well get a chuckle out of it.

If you agree with the above statements, congratulations: You’ve just rationalized laughing at someone else’s misfortunes!

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Awesome Video Of The Day

The Athiest’s Nightmare

Being Christian must be hard. You’ve gotta sit in front of a fake lake with Kirk Cameron all day and talk about how bananas prove the existence of God. Then the cameraman starts chuckling, and you’re like “CUT! What’s so funny, Steve?” but that just makes him laugh even harder and eventually he has to go outside to get some air. Then the key grip starts laughing and the gaffer is turning red in the face and then they both have to leave. Eventually it’s just you and Kirk, sitting all alone in the bible warehouse in front of the fake lake backdrop. You still don’t know what was so funny, but by then it’s getting late and you have to go to church.

All that hassle and headache, and all because Christians aren’t allowed to make dick jokes. Instead they have to prattle on and on about soda cans and bananas while becoming an ACTUAL, LIVING DICK JOKE THEMSELVES. How ironic.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

“OH MY GOD! CASNADIAN DESTROYER!”

On a first viewing without any context, today’s video is pretty so-so: Some kids attempt a “Canadian Destroyer” in their backyard and look stupid. Go ahead and hit play. It’s only 10 seconds long - I’ll wait.

Finished? Ok, good. Now you might be wondering to yourself, “Why did the kid scream “PARANOIAAAAA!” at the end there?” Don’t worry - the uploader was kind enough to explain it in the “About This Video” section:

“ok this is our second destroyer but i have to talk about the announcer,camera guy.ok thats our frend carney and he wanted to rhyme something with canadian destroyer and he sounded like an idiot,i know he sounds gay too but try to pay attention to the move”

I don’t know why, but watching it again armed with that knowledge makes it about a thousand times better. It helps that his name is Carney, I guess, but mostly I just like the fact that he screamed “PARANOIAAAA!” because it was the first thing that popped into his head that rhymes with “Destroyer.”

Two problems there: First of all, “paranoia” DOESN’T rhyme with “destroyer.” Secondly, even if it did rhyme it still wouldn’t make any sense. Carney, if you somehow end up reading this, here’s a list of post-Casnadian Destroyer taglines that work a little better:

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Awesome Video Of The Day

The Anti-Gym

I’m not sure why a gym with a commercial like this would call itself the “Anti-Gym.” I always thought gyms were SUPPOSED to convince people that nobody will love them if they’re fat. What makes this one so special? I mean, I understand that it probably isn’t standard practice for a personal trainer to burst into your home, break your refrigerator and smear a plateful of chocolate cake all over your favorite purple shirt, but does that really make this an “Anti-Gym”? Sounds like a “Regular Gym” that’s staffed by sociopaths.

According to its website, The Anti-Gym is “Denver’s only health and vanity lifestyle boutique,” which is slightly more impressive than being the #1 sushi bar in Fargo, North Dakota. They consider themselves “a revolutionary alternative to ineffective and obsolete health clubs, personal trainers, and crash diets.” Finally there’s a gym that will verbally abuse me until I’m so full of self-loathing that I need to either get on the treadmill or blow my brains out! Someone came up with a system that ACTUALLY WORKS!

Say what you will about this commercial, but you have to admit it: When it comes to using a foghorn for comedic effect, this pretty much sets the gold standard.

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