Some Idiot Gets Exactly What He Deserves

I’m not trying to make a joke when I say that I love stupid people. They’re way more likeable than smart people, plus they’re always asking really simple questions that I know the answers to. I’m no rocket scientist myself, but if you’re going to hang out with me, I humbly ask that you be A) moderately attractive, and B) dumb as rocks. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship: I get to feel good about myself for helping you out, and you get to find out what burritos are. It works out for everyone.

That being said, I’m pretty sure I’d get along great with this guy. And you know what? It’d be for the best. He’d say, “Hey Ross - I think I’m gonna pull that palm tree down with my truck,” and I’d say, “Which one? The huge one in your yard?” and he’d say, “Yeah, that one.” Then I’d say, “How?” and he’d say, “With a cable,” and I’d say, “Oh. Yeah, that sounds like a good way to do it,” because I don’t really know anything about pulling down giant palm trees. Then I’d say, “Whoa, dude - are you okay?” and he’d say, “Yeah… why didn’t you tell me not to do that?” and I’d say, “Sorry, dude. I don’t know anything about pulling down giant palm trees.”

We’d probably be pretty hungry by then, so I’d say, “Let’s go get some burritos,” and he’d say “What’s a burrito? I’ve never even heard of those before.” I’d say, “Get in the car - I’ll explain on the way,” but we’d have to take my car because his would be all smashed in.

And a good time would be had by all.

60 Minutes - Magic Mormon Underpants

60 Minutes is generally regarded as one of the most successful shows in the history of television. Reporting on major world events since the heady days of Vietnam and Watergate, the show has won numerous awards for groundbreaking journalism over the years. In 1983, they even managed to free a Texan named Lenell Geter who was wrongly convicted of armed robbery. It’s more than a television show; it’s an American institution.

YAAAAAWN! BORRRRR-ING!

Thank God they left that all behind at some point and decided to focus on something that matters: dumbing down their program in the pursuit of ratings. From the perspective of a Cracked blogger, this was a real blessing. You know what’s not really all that hilarious? The Vietnam War, Watergate and wrongful incarceration¹. You know what IS hilarious? The phrase “sacred undergarments.” Say what you will about credibility, dignity and journalistic integrity, but can any of those things really hold a candle to hearing a grown man say “sacred undergarments” repeatedly in a would-be serious tone?

Ordinarily this is the part where I’d go off about how Mormons are stupid and sacred undergarments are ridiculous, but as someone who gets into horrific boating accidents on a nearly constant basis, I’d really like to get my hands on a pair of those suckers. I can think of worse things than getting the occasional compliment in the locker room, too. I honestly can’t remember the last time someone turned to me and said, “Hey, Ross - neat undergarments!” That makes me sad.

Maybe those Mormons are on to something. They sure seem to smile a lot, don’t they?

¹ Despite being on the air for 40 years, for the sake of this blog post those are the only three things that 60 Minutes has ever reported on.

Another Message For Senator Barack Obama Bin Laden

A while back I posted a trailer for a then-upcoming Paris Hilton vehicle called The Hottie And The Nottie. In the post I made the following bold assertion:

“I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.” - Ross Wolinsky

It turns out I blew it: Shockingly, the film has been almost universally reviled by critics and audiences alike since its release! During its opening weekend, Hottie pulled in a whopping $27,696 at 111 locations. Depending on how you want to look at it that’s $249 per screen or, figuring an average of $8 per ticket, about 3,462 total paying customers in all of America… which is actually kind of a staggering number if you really think about it. It might not sound like much for a nationally distributed feature film on its opening weekend, but it’s still enough people to fill a medium-sized high school gymnasium. Doesn’t that seem like way too many? How did 3,462 Americans somehow come to the conclusion that Hottie was going to be worth seeing? Who are these people that plopped down their hard-earned cash at the ticket counter and said “One for Hottie,” and what in the name of God were they thinking?

You might be wondering what the woman in today’s video has to do with The Hottie And The Nottie. Not a whole lot, to be honest, but they do share one trait that I think bears mentioning: She, like the film, is completely fucking retarded.

Awesome Video Of The Day

An Interesting Response

This video is pretty average in a lot of ways - there are about a billion videos of people punching each other in the face on YouTube - but it does have one redeeming factor: it marks the first time in recorded human history that somebody has responded to a punch in the face with the phrase “Ah, fuck - I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

Not in TOTAL human history, mind you; with over 6 billion people on our planet, I’m pretty sure there are a handful of people out there who, after being punched in the face, have turned around in disbelief and said, “Ah, fuck - I can’t believe you’ve done this.” I’d estimate that it’s happened around 14 times in a handful of different languages, but never before has there been a camera around to document it. This 11 second-long video marks the very first time that it’s been recorded for posterity’s sake, so don’t write this off as another typical dude-gets-punched-in-the-face-on-YouTube video. It might be a video of a dude getting punched in the face, but it’s also historically significant.

You know - because the guy says “Ah, fuck - I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

Incidentally, this particular blog post is historically significant in a very similar way: it marks the first time anyone on the internet has said “barnacle shuffle” or “King Tut’s balls.” What do I win?

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Coolest Kid In Melbourne

Remember that party you threw back in high school when your parents were out of town? That was pretty crazy, wasn’t it? Remember how your friend Todd’s older brother got you guys a bottle of Southern Comfort and a couple of 40s of Mickey’s with his fake ID? That was so awesome. And then remember when those three girls showed up with a six-pack of Zima, and then someone put sardines and ice cream in the blender together and dared your friend Tim to drink it, and then he threw up all over the living room carpet? You guys must’ve stayed up, what, until like 2 a.m.? Good times, man. Good times. That was fucking NUTS.

Well it might make a nice memory, anyway, but it turns out that your dinky little high school rager was totally lame - this kid is teaching the entire internet how to throw a proper high school kegger, and, more importantly, how to play it off like a total badass after you get caught. Between the open fur-lined sweatshirt, the nipple ring, the ridiculous sunglasses and the totally nonchalant attitude, I’d say this kid has a bright future ahead of him as a professional party promoter. That or an ecstasy burnout. Or both.

Doesn’t it kind of seem like the interviewer wants to laugh her ass off? She was probably there when it all went down, anyway. Australia is cool like that - the crappy TV reporters party with the high schoolers, the high schoolers throw rocks at the cops, and the cops fine the high schoolers’ parents $20,000. Toss in a few kangaroos and an AC/DC CD and you’ve got the Australian circle of life right there.

You know what? Fuck it - I’m moving to Melbourne.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Surfer On The News

There’s something about this guy that makes me want to take him home with me and keep him as some kind of weird pet. I feel like he probably can’t really take care of himself. I could keep him in my storage closet or something and only open the door when I want to hear something hilarious, then reward him with slices of pizza and bags of weed.

You know how you’re only supposed to give fish a little bit of food because they’ll eat until they explode? I feel like it’s probably exactly the same deal with this guy, so I better make sure to only give him a little bit of pizza at a time. Otherwise he’ll just keep eating pizza, and then he’ll paddle out into the ocean, get a cramp in the middle of a sick barrel and get totally pitted.

I do NOT want it to be my fault that this guy gets pitted. Seriously.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Goes Nuts In A Car Wash

One time I broke my antenna off in a car wash. I had the stereo on and didn’t really think about it, and then when I got out the thing was hanging by a thread over the side of the car. The radio still gets decent reception, but I guess I would have preferred to keep the antenna attached. Maybe if I’d noticed that it was getting destroyed I would have done something about it. You know - like go completely fucking insane and destroy my entire car.

According to the internet (or more specifically, the video description from Break.com, which seems like a reliable and accurate source to me), the police report said the “old” guy in this video “went nuts” when he realized he had lost his glasses. It doesn’t make it clear if he lost them inside the car or in the car wash itself, but either way I don’t think this reaction would really solve anything. Unless your goal was to blow up on YouTube, figure out a way to monetize your newfound celebrity, and use the money to buy some new glasses. In which case you’re a visionary genius and probably not the type to lose your glasses in the first place.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Ken Create: The Greatest Sports Hat-Juggling Magician Mime Dancer Of All Time

When I was in college, Ken Create¹ and I performed together as a duo: I would juggle the sports hats while he would dance around me in full mime gear (we took turns with the magic tricks). It was a big hit on the local circuit for a while, but I started to feel restricted by our rigid, over-rehearsed act. I tried to spice things up by juggling different kinds of things (blank CDs, hamburgers, dead birds, etc.), but Ken got really pissed off and told me to stick to the routine. I even ordered some books on Amazon.com about jazz tap and Kabuki theater and had them shipped to his house, but he took it as a back-handed insult and refused to speak to me for weeks. Soon the gigs started drying up, and eventually we went our separate ways.

I don’t harbor any ill will toward Ken. How could I? He was kind of like a mentor to me. I’ve moved on with my life, but I’m glad to see that Ken’s still doing his thing. Know why? Because Ken Create is probably the greatest sports hat-juggling magician mime dancer of all time.

¹ Lest you think this is all some sick joke, here’s his press kit (complete with detailed listings of every nursing home he’s ever performed at).

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Awesome Video Of The Day

WOAHHHH!

I pitched the executives at Animal Planet recently about a new reality show called “Raw Jersey.” It would follow the travels of five gentlemen down the New Jersey shoreline in search of the finest girls, the most bumpin’ clubs and the strongest hair gel that money can buy. It was gonna have it all: sex, drugs (rohypnol & steroids), partying… inexplicably, they turned it down. And they wonder why their ratings are in the shitter, right?

After that I tweaked the pitch for the Discovery Channel and changed the name to “DNA Files: Jersey Uncovered.” I billed it as an edutainment program about how even though we’re all different people, we all share the same DNA. It’s amazing enough that chimps and humans share 99% of the same DNA, so I thought it would be even more striking that we, as normal human beings, share a whopping 100% of our DNA with these guys. Bafflingly enough, Discovery wasn’t interested either.

Needless to say, VH1 wasn’t too keen on “Behind The Douchebags.” I guess I’m not cut out to work in television.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Tesla Coils Playing Mario Bros

If I had a time machine, I’d travel back in time, pick up Nikola Tesla and take him to the “2007 Lightning on the Lawn Teslathon.” I’d give him a beer, sit him down in one of those folding camping chairs, give him a clap on the back and say, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Then the Super Mario Bros. theme song would start playing and the lightning would be shooting all over the place and that dude would scream “YEAHHHH!!!” and Nikola would turn to me with a quizzical look on his face.

Then I’d take him back to the time machine, go back in time a few hours and show him Super Mario Bros. so he actually knows what it is.

Then I’d take him back to the Teslathon and the dude would scream “YEAHHHH!!!” and Nikola would probably feel pretty good about himself for a minute. Maybe he didn’t invent the Tesla Coil as a novelty, but at least people were enjoying themselves, screaming “YEAHHHH!!!” and hooting and hollering. But then a few seconds later, everyone would fall silent and a general sense of boredom would sweep over the crowd. Everyone would watch the Tesla Coils playing their little tune and yawn, and then Nikola would turn to me and be like “Hey, uhh, listen - I’ve got some experiments to wrap up and stuff,” and I’d take him back to his lab, where he would promptly destroy all of his schematics and die in obscurity.

Only I would know of the man that was Nikola Tesla, but alas, I’d be too busy partying in outer space and too drunk on futuristic booze to tell anyone about him. That’s the problem with time machines right there: the futuristic outer space parties are just too good to pass up.

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