As the elections grow ever nearer, I find myself forced into an awkward, uncomfortable position which I don’t relish: that of being informed, often against my will, about politics.

Here I am minding my own business, innocently searching Starpulse for terms like “Madonna abortion” and “Spears fucks bear?” only to be confronted by the horrible visage of sober, reflective analysis regarding our nation’s future.

Imagine my relief then, when I stumbled upon this article about Hillary Clinton lying about taking sniper fire during a visit to Bosnia. It’s not only got all of the unnecesarry dramatics of a TMZ article, it focuses entirely on an irrelevant character flaw rather than any issue that will actually affect anything. Perfect blogging fodder!

So here we go: Are we really going to act shocked and angry when we find out a politician has embellished a story in order to impress everyone? Tall tales are the grist of the political machine. George Washington and the cherry tree, Hamilton and his tragic duel, McKinley’s robot eye.

All are beloved political tales, all surely embellished (for example, most historians now agree that the Washington story is apocryphal, and that McKinley’s eye was far less advanced than he led his cabinet to believe).

Getting pissed when a politician lies to you is like getting pissed when a grandparent dies on your birthday. It’s just not their fault; it’s what they do.

Still, the juicyness of it is awesome, and I guess it says something about HIllary’s character. Although adding “liar” to “severe, impersonal cuckoldress” doesn’t really do all that much for me.

Not that I’m against her; I think if women are allowed to vote, we might as well let them vote for another woman (what’s next? Voting horses?!).

But as a blogger and source of impartial observation, I believe it’s my solemn duty to have no political opinions whatsoever. It also keeps me from having to talk to anyone about their political views, which is a huge plus for me.

Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts.

In the meantime, Hillary, try and stick to heroic lies that are totally unverifiable: your battles with stealthy ninja hordes, your out-of-body confrontations with Satan, your intantaneous and invisible savings of various kingdoms of gnomes.

You may not win the election, but you greatly increase the chances your life story will get optioned for film.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael dodges sniper fire as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Hillary Clinton - Making Our Dreams Come True

Here’s a surefire formula for completely alienating anyone who might be on the fence about your candidate: make a YouTube account, rewrite the theme song from a sitcom three decades past its prime, then sing it like it’s opening night at the opera in Sturgis, South Dakota and you’re the only fat lady in town.

Could this have really been created by a genuine fan, or is this some sort of nefarious right-wing plot designed to shame the lefties into submission? I can’t say I’d be particularly surprised either way, to be honest. All I know for sure is that this video totally fucking sucks, and even though it’s obviously not an officially sanctioned advertisement, it still kind of makes me hate Hillary Clinton.

If I’d been the brains behind this video, I would’ve done things a little differently. First of all, I probably would’ve used the theme song from Three’s Company:

Come and stop the Iraq war…
America’s waiting for you…
Because this country is hers and hers and his
Clinton for President, woo!

Second of all, I’d make it totally “extreme” and in-your-face. There’d be eagles swooping down and eating field mice (which would be dressed up like terrorists) and sepia-toned Nazis exploding and Stars ‘N Bars and all kinds of other shit crammed into every singe frame, but there’d still somehow be time for one of those crazy slow motion shots of a samurai sword cutting through a soda can or an apple or whatever… FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I’d probably throw in one of those “bullet time” shots, too, only the “bullets” would be barbs from political opponents and the “dodging” would be clever rhetoric and a sane tax plan.

Oh - and last but not least, I would’ve made it for Barack Obama. Minor detail there.

Awesome Video Of The Day

R. Kelly - Real Talk (Behind The Scenes)

Full disclosure: I’m a huge R. Kelly fan. Dude is completely out of his mind but has somehow tricked the entire R&B community into overlooking it because, you know, his sex jams are soooo tight. Having apparently just heard about a new video sharing internet website called YouTube, R. Kelly brings us a behind the scenes look at what it’s like to hang out with him in the studio. Apparently, you spend most of your time sitting in a corner while Kelly pretends to sing an argument into a cordless phone. In his own words:

“I decided to do this shit, Real Talk, on YouTube because I think it’s a great song - you know what I’m sayin’ - even though there’s a lot of profanity in it, but the profanity represents just how real shit gets when you arguin’ with your girl and shit… you know what I’m sayin’?”

We know exactly what you’re sayin’, Kels. Next time I’m arguing with my girl, I’m gonna try saying “real talk” over and over again until she goes into a trance. She’ll be like a cobra coming out of a basket and that phrase will be my flute. Then a bunch of dudes will start brawling right behind me, and I’ll get all pissed and yell “turn the camera off!” That’ll make it more real.

I may also try using the line “what they eat don’t make us shit.” Can’t hurt, right?

When MySpace Fails

If you’re like me, you’re tired of all the usual social network sites. MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, even Orkut… total snoozefest. Listing your favorite bands, movies and TV shows is passé. You’re a unique snowflake, someone who demands more from your social networking site than the ability to leave comments for all of your best acquaintances. You have very specific tastes, but don’t worry - there are plenty of off-the-radar sites ready to cater to them. For example…

Petster.com

Do you have a burning desire to bring your pet into the exciting realm of Web 2.0, but shudder at the thought of its profile sitting on a server somewhere mixed in with humans, goths and teenagers? Forget MySpace - it’s full of trash and pederasts. Instead, you’ll probably want to head over to Petster.com: “Where pets rule!” Worried that you won’t be able to use horrible animated backgrounds and animated gifs galore? Think again, my animal-loving friend! Check out Bubbles (aka Bubble, Stinky, Bubbly Wubbly Boo) - his favorite activity is sleeping, his favorite park is “dog park” and his favorite food is “everything!” LOL!

Not a dog lover? Well feast your eyes on Kamikazi, a Lynx Siamese from New Berlin, Wisconsin! Meee-ow! Or how about Flossie from Lancashire, UK? She’s a rat who dislikes “sudden surprises”! Tooooo cute!

Warning: Apparently, you have to be at least 18 years of age or older to use Petster. Strange - I thought the only criterion would be crippling unbearable loneliness.

Wild Card

I don’t know what it is about this Falling Hillary Clinton Screensaver that I like so much. It’s not really a screensaver per se (sometimes she gets stuck on the bubbles and you have to give her a little nudge), so I don’t think it serves any real utilitarian function. There’s something hypnotic about it that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it has something to do with that awesome face she’s making.

I would say you should avoid the bikini version, but who am I kidding? You know you’re gonna click it anyway.