8 Things That Pissed Me Off About The FoxNews Fat Cops Report
Monday, May 12th, 2008
Last week, something happened to me for the first time: I had an internet success. The premiere episode of Hate By Numbers lit up YouTube (by Gladstone standards) and brought me exposure like I’d never experienced before. True, one commenter called me a “gay … liberal,” while another found me to be more of a “Republican polesmoker,” but still the page views, comments, and ratings were all largely favorable. Besides, I felt good that I could unite our politically divided country with my alleged gayness. I also garnered some nice comments from Cracked readers —at least one of which— will likely bring Chris Hansen to my house with a film crew. (All I can say in my defense, Mr. Hansen, is that there was some question as to whether MLE05 were an underage girl or an adult male.)
But what to do now? Yes, it’s true that Michael Bay called my agent and offered money for the rights to turn Hate By Numbers into a summer blockbuster, starring Shia Labeouf as a dangerously unhinged mathematician, but that deal fell through. “Well, that’s it,” I thought. “My run at the big time is over.”
But just then the red phone in the Cracked House started ringing. DOB answered.
“‘This-shit-is-wack’ O’Brien is on the phone for you, Gladstone,” he said.
I took the phone. “Who’s your girlfriend having sex with now, Jack?” I asked.
“No, it’s not that,” he said. “I have a deal for you. What would you say, if I asked you to do your successful feature, Hate By Numbers, on a semi-regular basis, for no extra money?”
“How can I refuse?” I asked. “Anything else to sweeten the deal?”
“Yes. We also won’t be titling any of your posts Hate By Numbers because people seem to respond better to X Things That Pissed Me Off About Y.”
I winced, but as sure as I knew Chris Buckholz would leave me to die in a fire should Wolinsky burn the Cracked House down while freebasing, I knew Jack was right. So I called up my good friend and (former Cracked superstar) Ian Cooper and had him put together a kick ass logo for me. Then I went looking for something upsetting on FoxNews.
“Going to get old?” I thought, but I felt I owed it to Dan — much in the way you still give money to a homeless woman pretending to be pregnant— you feel so bad that she’s delusional enough to believe she could fool anyone with a pillow under her shirt that you just have to reward the effort.
