Considering some of the offensive Halloween costumes I’ve paraded in front of my friends and expected them not to sock me in the face, I feel a little awkward calling these kids douchebags for dressing as Virginia Tech victims. But, as it is my solemn duty to decry idiocy, here goes: what a couple of fucking douchebags.

Living proof that what happens on Facebook doesn’t stay on Facebook, these kids got their photos snapped at a party in October and it’s taken the last two months for the turds in question to float to the top of the toilet bowl that is national media outlets. And as you’d expect, everyone took turns saying how outraged they were and then showering attention on them.

Let’s drop the pretense for a minute here: they’re college students; they’re going to do dumb shit and piss everyone off. What even I can’t forgive, however, are the kids’ utterly terrible excuses, which I now present in order from least to most offensive:

Because clearly only the first iteration of a national tragedy is really tragic. I mean, how many times can a public building be bombed before it just loses that “tragic punch?” Oklahoma City? Tragic. The World Trade Center? Snore. It’s been done, man! Where’s the zazz?!

And did you notice the steady slide from principled rebellion to defensive whining? It’s probably on account of the hundreds of “detailed” death threats from Virginia Tech alumni that they’ve been receiving, including promises to curb them and “lynch” them. I’d be scared too; if Virginians have proven anything, it’s that they know how to lynch a guy.

The amount of attention they’ve received is somewhat staggering, considering how utterly stupid this all really is. If I thought being retarded on Halloween would get you this much publicity, I would’ve posted my own pics months ago. Let’s see, there was the year I went as a bloated Hurricane Katrina victim, then the next year I was a Holocaust survivor (losing all the wieght was a bitch), and this year I showed up as that artist’s rendering of Baby Grace.

Keeping up the violent sobbing and cries for mercy from my attacker all night was pretty tiring, but the warm grins on everyone’s faces were well worth the effort.

Top that you PSU sons of bitches!

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Punt Gun

If you’re like me, you’re sick and tired of carrying around a wimpy, standard-issue shotgun. You know - one you can actually carry around and aim at stuff. Luckily, Tom Knapp (the “greatest exhibition shooter of modern times”) has a solution.

The Punt Gun is 11 feet long and weighs 140 pounds. Hunters used to use them in the 19th century to wipe out entire flocks of waterfowl with a single shot, but then Uncle Sam stepped in and put the kibosh on the practice.

Uncle Sam can be a real pantywaist.

These days, punt guns are used mainly for making YouTube viewers say, “Holy shit - that’s a big gun.” But I don’t see why it has to be limited to that! Just think of what you could do with one of these suckers:

You can get a replica on eBay right now - the starting bid is $2,000 - but it’s only 9′4″ and doesn’t even shoot. Might make a nice gift for the wife, though.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Jan Terri’s Get Down Goblin

On this most ghastly of holidays, I’m ghoulishly pleased to bring you the darkest, most macabre piece of music ever written. Darker than the Danse Macabre, darker than anything by Bauhaus, and possibly even darker than The Monster Mash. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen. I give you Jan Terri’s Get Down Goblin.

You probably haven’t heard of Jan Terri. A pill-popping limo driver by trade, Jan pursued a music career on the side, recording music and singing backup vocals in a Chicago bar band. She didn’t make much headway for a while, but then she got her big break: opening for Marilyn Manson in the late 1990s.

That’s about it.

Maybe JT Records never gave her the push she needed to really break through into the mainstream. Maybe the mainstream wasn’t ready for her. Encouraging goblins to “get down”? That does really jibe well with Judeo-Christian values.

I’m not going to suggest a right-wing conspiracy, but I can’t think of another reason why this woman’s career never took off. This video has it all: Dracula, The Wolfman, candelabras, back-up dancers, a pipe organ, and perhaps most importantly, a middle-aged woman who isn’t afraid to “get down” on Halloween. That has to be worth something, doesn’t it?

DOESN’T IT?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Wacky Trampoline Jumpin’ Guitar Playin’ Douchebag

You and I both know that the internet is basically one long, drawn-out segment of Stupid Human Tricks, but here’s the thing that blows my mind about videos like this: They had to have actually occurred in real life at some point. And for that to have happened, some dude had to spend untold hours practicing jumping on a trampoline while playing guitar solos*. Then he had to take it to the band and tell them what he wanted to do, and then the band had to be like, “Yeah, dude! That’s a GREAT idea!”

That’s unlikely enough as it is, but here’s the clincher: For this video to exist on YouTube, somebody OTHER THAN THE BAND had to show up at the concert to record it! I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for all kinds of stupid crap on the internet (I’ve been ripped off by three completely different Nigerian email scams in the last year alone), but I have to draw the line somewhere. This video has to be a hoax.

Oh, wait… the band is from French Canada and they’re called OMEGADOM. I take it all back - this is definitely real. If they’d just named the video “How To Get Laid In Montreal” I never would have questioned it in the first place.

*Oddly enough, there are over 100 videos on YouTube of people playing guitars on trampolines. Is this the next big trend, and if so, does this post make me a “tastemaker”?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Rambo IV Trailer

What happened to Sylvester Stallone? In 2003 his career was basically over. A few years go by, and then all of a sudden he pulls a Rocky followup out of his ass. Now it’s a new Rambo movie? What gives? Maybe he fell down in the bathtub and thought to himself, “I could’ve broken my neck… and left the fans guessing what might have happened to Rocky Balboa and John Rambo. Better get to work.”

I don’t know what’s fueling his creative fire, but I hope he’s got a lot of it; there are a lot of Stallone movies that still need the loose ends tied up. What about Cliffhanger and Demolition Man? Where’s the Over The Top sequel? I need closure!

Here’s a basic plot: Lincoln Hawk’s son is all grown up now, a world-class arm wrestler with a chip on his shoulder. He thinks his dad (Stallone) died in the World Trade Center on 9/11, and he’s been out for revenge ever since, arm wrestling his way through Afghanistan. What he DOESN’T know is that his father is alive and well, working deep undercover within an Al-Qaeda Splinter Cell. Doesn’t know, that is, until they end up competing AGAINST EACH OTHER in the Middle Eastern Arm Wrestling Championship. Also, there’s a beautiful woman with a briefcase full of cash and some sort of interesting proposition.

You can have that one for free, Sly. Now get to work.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

The Infamous “Charles Johnson” Video

What a week, huh? In just five short days, I’ve managed to find something bad to say about college students who play beer pong, women with long fingernails, game show contestants and pretty much everyone who lives in Germany. I’m spent.

For that reason, I refuse to say a single negative word about “The Infamous ‘Charles Johnson’ Video.” How could I? It’s just kids being kids, right? Children doing what we’ve all done at some point in our lives: having fun with a video camera. Uttering nonsensical words, screaming like idiots and making explosion sounds while jumping on their beds. It’s beautiful in a way. Like watching a young fawn take its first steps on shaky little legs.

One day these fawns’ legs will be less shaky, though. These two boys will grow more and more confident until one day, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after that, but one day they will no longer be boys at all.

They will be all grown up and completely, 100% retarded.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

The Techno Viking

Remember in history class when they tried to teach you about the impact World War II had on Germany? That was a total waste of time. Watch three minutes of The Techno Viking in action and you’ll learn way more than you ever could in an entire semester of book-readin’. For example, I now know that if you’re German it makes sense that…

I can understand the entourage part, I guess. If you lived in a city where a Techno Viking ran the party-street, wouldn’t you want to be a part of his crew? Ideally the guy handing him bottles of water while he’s dancing? A Techno Viking needs to be properly hydrated. If there has to be a terrifying, ecstasy-fueled Techno Viking running the streets, you might as well try to be the guy that brings him water. Think long-term.

It’s videos like this that remind me how glad I am to live in America. The next time I pass one of the gangbangers that run my block, I’ll be sure to thank them. “Hey, bro. Thanks for not being a Techno Viking,” I’ll say. They’ll like that.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Extreme Beer Pong

I want everyone who watches this video to forward it to their parents. Then I want you all to encourage your parents to forward it to their friends, their coworkers… basically everyone they know. Why? Because I want this kid’s parents to see what he’s been up to this semester.

Chad: (answers phone) Whaaazzzzaaaaaap?!

Chad’s Dad: Chad? This is your father.

Chad: Daaaaad. Whazzzzzzaaaap?!

Chad’s Dad: We need to have a talk.

Chad: (silent)

Chad’s Dad: I saw a video of you on the YouTube.

Chad: Ohh… yeah? Sweeeeeet.

Chad’s Dad: You must have spent a lot of time learning how to do that.

Chad: Dude, bro, check it… I’ve been under like mad stress this-

Chad’s Dad: I’m not paying $30,000 a year for you to learn how to throw ping pong balls into some plastic fucking cups.

Chad: No, dad… it’s not like tha-

Chad’s Dad: You know all your posters are crooked, right?

I don’t want him to get into serious trouble with his folks or anything… just enough that he needs to get a job. Maybe then he’ll stop wearing his hat like that.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

How Does She Do It? - Make A Cup Of Tea

Whether you’re into raising your pets vegetarian, video game time attacks or just some good ol’ fashioned slash fan fiction, there’s almost certainly a place for you to meet like-minded people on the internet. But what if you’re not into anything weird or extreme? What if you - like so many others - just want to grow your fingernails to a grotesque, inconvenient length and then show off videos of yourself completing unbelievably mundane tasks with them? Where does someone like that go to feel at home on these strange and occassionally scary internets?

They go to YouTube, of course, where users like AdmireLongNails and SexyNails4U have already uploaded tons of videos of their nails in action. Want to see disgustingly long fingernails tearing up a crossword puzzle? Check. How about long fingernails tapping on a table for no apparent reason? Check. Want to buy higher resolution videos of long fingernails? Anything for a price, my friend.

I’m pretty sure these are fingernail fetish (NSFW, duh) videos, but is it possible that they’re also the product of some sort of hand model community or something? I’d do some more research and try to figure it out but I already feel dirty… and oddly aroused.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Woman Freaks Out On The Price Is Right

What am I missing about The Price Is Right? What is it about this show that makes people completely lose their shit? Free stuff is great and all, but these people are practically speaking in tongues over winning matching furniture. We could all use an extra $20,000 here and there, but is it really worth announcing to the entire country that you have to “go potty”? You can’t put a price on dignity, but I’m gonna say this woman’s is worth about $5,000. If you subtract that - and all the applicable taxes - that means she probably earned a few thousand bucks for looking like a total moron on national television.

Come to think of it, that’s actually a pretty good deal.

Somebody should hook her up with this guy and try to make them breed some sort of Price Is Right Übercontestant. It’d be just like the Nazi eugenics program, only way funnier and resulting in much better morning television.

Sexy Halloween 2007

With Halloween just around the corner, women are once again asking themselves the age-old question: “What type of sexy thing am I going to be this year?” I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news, ladies. First the bad news: The whole “sexy nurse” thing is totally cliché. The good news, though: The internet is full of other perfectly “sexy” alternatives. This week on the Cracked blog I’ll be counting down five “sexy” possibilities for your “sexy” consideration. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Sexy Costume #5: Sexy Black Widow

Pinupgirlclothing.com knows that nothing says “sexy” like one of the most venomous spiders in all of North America. Sure to lure men into your web of emotional instability stemming from a tumultuous relationship with your father, the Sexy Black Widow costume sends a very clear message to potential suitors: “I may have these stupid-looking black things attached to my arms, but that doesn’t mean I’m not dressed like a total slut right now.”

Sure To Attract Guys Dressed Up Like: Firemen, The Killer From Scream, Any Sort Of Insect

Sexy Factor (out of 10): 3

Wild Card

I love a good conspiracy theory, but I prefer it when they’re at least marginally believable. The moon landing was a hoax? I can buy that. Tupac is still alive? I wouldn’t be surprised. The Earth is actually flat? There’s probably some truth to tha- wait… what?

So says the Flat Earth Society, a group that, according to their website, has been “Deprogramming the masses since 1547.” I’m willing to keep an open mind here, but between their incomprehensible “Why A Flat Earth?” page and their still-under-construction “Evidence” page I’m having a hard time buying into this. Then again, I haven’t really been feeling like myself lately. Maybe my four humours are out of wack or something.