So Oliver Stone has geared up for his new picture: a warts and all exploration of current President George W. Bush. But will Stone’s politics get in the way of a historically accurate portrayal? The controversial filmmaker sat down with Cracked.com to plead his case:
Let it be known, faithful readers, that Michael Swaim would risk anything, even his untarnished record of utter reliability, to keep you entertained on your coffee breaks.
That is why, even though I am currently on a five day wilderness hike in Idyllwild (don’t bother trying to find me and get an autograph; I wear a disguise whenever I’m out of the house), I wrote enough blog entries ahead of time so you’d never even know I was gone.
Except now I just told you, so I might as well take it a step further and blog on events I presume are going to occur by the time you read this on Friday, even though I’m writing it on Tuesday.
So what’s the deal with Hannah Montana killing herself? I mean, we all knew she was depressed, but I guess something must have just really pushed her over the edge.
In a totally unrelated story, our own Daniel O’Brien has announced he is quitting blogging, as the Hannah Montana thing was really all he’s got.
We’ll miss you Danny. Maybe now that Bush has been elected to a third “bonus term” you can reprint reader comments about him.
Unless of course your draft number comes up. But I hear Iran is nice this time of year, even with the nuclear winter.
And hey, while you’re over there you can catch a USO show starring America’s newest teen pop sensation, the Propped Up Remains of Lindsay Lohan!
Don’t forget to snap some photos of her with your iDeviceThatDoesEverything.
Also, bears have representation in the Senate now.
See you on Monday, fuckers! I better see nothing but positive comments when I get back. Remember, I have absolutely no way of defending myself and you’re anonymous Internet readers, so it’s your duty to display the utmost respect and sensitivity.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael walks up steep things with heavy weights on his back for fun and then has the brass to make fun of other people.
Apparently not satisfied with the effect on his staggering unpopularity of promising to veto a child health insurance bill, George W. Bush ventured to the U.N. today, where he embraced the street protests of Buddhist Monks in Myanmar as part of his wider global march to freedom.
This should come as little surprise to scholars of comparitive religion who already know that ‘Shock’ and ‘Awe’ are two of the Ten Great Pillars of Buddhism, standing as they do directly between the pillars ‘Let Kids Pay for Their Own Damn Health Care’ and ‘Ignoring Negroes’.
Bush was aided in the difficult task of speaking to and about foreigners by a speech in which many of the more difficult words and names were rendered phonetically. Pronunciations included Sarkozy “[sar-KOzee]”, the Mugabe “[moo-GAHbee] regime”, “Kyrgyzstan [KEYRgeez-stan]” and Democracy [U-ni-fide Ex-EK-u-tiv PRIK-a-stok-ra-see].
The slip up that allowed people to see W’s phonetically enhanced text proves a theory I’ve long held, that the appearance of presidential idiocy is carefully tailored. Not that George isn’t an authentic idiot, but that a bevy of groomers carefully select and approve which bits of idiocy might in some odd way be used beneficially.
Surely if W’s handlers can render ‘Krygzstan’ in easily mouthable bite size sound chunks, they could do the same for the word ‘Nuclear’ if they chose to.
President 
Bush suffered some embarrassment at the UN recently. No, he didn’t get caught buying a bag of blow from the South American delegates again. Instead, a White House staffer accidentally released a draft version of the President’s speech to the UN, and, wouldn’t you know it, Dubya doesn’t read so well or know so much about places not called “America.” The speech was peppered with phonetic pronunciations of foreign countries and leaders:
[T]he White House released a draft version of the President’s speech to the annual United Nations General Assembly, [and] a glimpse of how the President sees his speeches was accidentally placed on the UN website. . . .
Pronunciations for President Bush’s friend French President Sarkozy “[sar-KOzee]” appeared in draft #20 on the UN website. Other pronunciations included the Mugabe “[moo-GAHbee] regime” and pronunciations for countries “Kyrgyzstan [KEYRgeez-stan]” and “Mauritania [moor-EH-tain-ee-a].”
Man, that’s embarrassing. Not as bad as releasing Dick Cheney’s draft recipe for delicious cooked baby stew —the early version before the Vice President added extra teaspoons of bile and fear-induced tears—- but still pretty awkward.
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino—a woman who speaks so poorly it seems her only qualification is NOT dying of cancer— refused to answer questions about President Bush’s pronunciation difficulties, saying the inquiries were “offensive.”
Not as offensive as having the most powerful man in the world, making decisions about who lives and dies in far off lands without any grounding in geography or words, but still, y’know, rude.
All things considered, I think Bush is relieved no one released the draft of his last State of the Union address. The one where “Iraq” was spelled [“quagmire,”] and Hussein was spelled [“NOT Bin Laden.”]
Copyright © 2005 - 2007 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc.
All rights reserved.
DISCLAIMER: All characters, names and places used in CRACKED prose, fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comment, criticism, parody, pointing out political and/or social injustice or any other purpose through which humanity is held up to the ridicule it frequently deserves. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. All trade names, product names and trademarks of third parties, including any trademarked characters, used in CRACKED fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are used without the authorization of those third parties, and are used only for the purpose of parody and identification. No sponsorship, endorsement or affiliation by or with those third parties exists or should be implied. Also, we love disclaimers.
