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Lance Bass Doesn’t Know A Lot About Being Gay

Monday, December 17th, 2007

Former boybander and current openly gay has-been Lance Bass told reporters that he was paranoid about his sexual orientation while he was in NSync:

“I was always watching what I said, what I did. You would learn so many things throughout the years, like, gay people do this and gay people say this. I remember one time someone told me that if you say the word ’so’ a lot, that’s a tell that you’re gay. I was so afraid to say the word ’so’ in anything I did! That’s how crazy things got for me.”

Wow. So Lance was so scared of being outed he stopped saying “so.” And, yet, he walked around with this haircut:

And he was a member of this band:

Clearly, poor Lance was confused during that tumultuous time. Here are some other things I’m guessing he did to hide his sexuality:

  • Messed up choreographed dances on purpose.
  • Tried to turn straight by staring at Joey Fatone.
  • Refused to have sex with Lou Pearlman like the other guys.
  • Told female groupies that “flaccid” was the hip, new “erect.”
  • Only let Justin get to third base.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Posted in Gay, People I Don't Care About Who Make Blogging Possible | 10 Comments »

Ian’s Unnecessary News Roundup

Thursday, December 6th, 2007

It’s time for another edition of the feature which provides you with essential news and analysis about vitally important topics of the utmost relevance to you. Opposite Day! Let’s begin…

unr_120607_3.jpgHat’s Off: Garth Brooks (whose 1997 Central Park concert was mistaken by me for a terrifying redneck invasion of New York City) has donated his trademark black cowboy hat (shown at right) to the Smithsonian Institution, where it will presumably be showcased as an article of national historical significance, somewhere between an original copy of the Declaration of Independence and Abe Lincoln’s buttplug collection. (In a related story, Chris Gaines’s eyeliner pencil was donated to the dumpster behind the taco truck in the Smithsonian parking lot.)

unr_120607_2.jpgMarsters of the Homoverse: Actor James Marsters, formerly of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, got a little squeamish about some “Brokeback to the Future”-style action he engaged in while shooting the BBC sci-fi show Torchwood:

[Marsters] shared an on-screen smooch with openly gay actor John Barrowman for the hit show, but Barrowman claims Marsters wasn’t entirely comfortable with their man-on-man action. He says, “After the scene he snogged (kissed) his girlfriend to re-establish his masculinity.”

One little homoerotic kiss and he runs screaming to his girlfriend? Sounds like somebody has some issues about his sexual identity. Personally, I’m so confident in my masculinity that I had sex with like 10 guys before I even had breakfast this morning, just to prove how straight I am. Lightweight!

unr_120607_1.jpgPut That in Your Toad and Smoke It: Desperate for new ways to fight the tedium of living in a relatively free, safe, prosperous, non war-torn country, American young people have begun experimenting with smoking the extracted venom of the Sonoran Desert toad, according to police. This novel method of self-medication is believed to have been discovered only after a rigorous experimental process during which the inventors had no reaction to the following:

  • Poo-huffing
  • Toejam snorting
  • Antifreeze footbaths
  • Poison oak brownies
  • Tampon and banana sandwiches
  • Dirt smoothies
  • Scorpion enemas
  • Licking old guys’ wallets
  • Drinking pot
  • Smoking wine
  • Looking at pictures of sheep

Posted in Crime, Drugs, Garth Brooks, Gay, History, Music, TV, Unnecessary News | 20 Comments »

He Wears a Blue Robe to Work. Of Course He’s Gay.

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Dumbledore being fruity.The wordsmiths over at Entertainment Weekly just published this glittering narrative description of a recent J.K. Rowling reading and Q and A session. The article joyously depicts the breadth of the evening and the bustle and merriment of the crowd of scrub-faced youth, all sweepstakes winners, who turned out to applaud the author and ask probing questions about their favorite members of the wizarding world. Fortunately, you don’t have to read any of that shit, because the important information is in the article’s headline: DUMBLEDORE IS GAY.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just because the elderly wizard who shepherded young waif Harry Potter from tender boyhood into manhood is a homosexual doesn’t mean he was necessarily molesting him. It just gives a million slashfic writers justification for assuming so. It also opens the door for a staggering array of inappropriate uses of the word “wand.”

But when all is said and done, does it really change anything if Dumbledore’s beard is white for a reason? YES, J.K. Rowling, it does! Now I’m probably not qualified to tell a billion-copy selling author how to do her job, but here I go: Dumbledore is in the Harry Potter stories for one purpose and one purpose only. Namely, to be the elderly wizard/father figure. He’s a goddamned ARCHETYPE.

He’s not a person; he’s a character, and there’s a big difference between the two. It was bad enough he got a back-story; making us imagine him in any kind of sexual situation is like writing in a scene where Voldemort goes to a magical burrito place (it’s called El Wizardito’s) and has diarrhea all night. Sure, it could happen, but it completely undermines his image.

Although to be fair, at least Rowling set us up for this revelation. If you reread some of those early books, the clues abound:

  • The way Dumbledore is always described as moving “mincingly.”
  • The fact that Dumbledore has a pet phoenix, widely recognized by historians as the gayest mythological bird.
  • How Dumbledore’s staff is described in one passage as “carved in the style of a phallus and worn as if from constant and vigorous private use.”
  • The fact that his name is Albus.
  • The scene at the end of Azkaban where Dumbledore blows Snape.

    • Of course I thought nothing of any of this at first, but now that Rowling’s confirmed the wizard’s sexual orientation, it’s hard not to see the signs, subtle though they may be.

    Posted in Gay, Harry Potter, books | 18 Comments »