Dear FatMan27183141,

Based on your 71 YouTube videos, your YouTube profile name, and your website URL, fat-man.us, I’m starting to get the idea that being fat is your “thing.” I don’t think you need to be ashamed of your size, FatMan27183141, but I’d like to take a moment to talk about this particular video and what it says about you.

I’m not gonna lie - you’re clearly overweight. Your gut is huge, your breathing sounds labored, and you’re probably at risk for all sorts of weird health problems I’ve never even heard of, but let’s face it - your belly hasn’t “come alive” and it doesn’t have any interest in “eating directly.” That’s just your way of saying “I drew a face on my unbelievably fat torso - here’s a video of me shoving potato chips into my own belly button.” That’s entertaining, FatMan27183141, but at the end of the day do you really feel like you’re living up to your full potential?

Chris Farley. Late-career Elvis. The McCrary Twins. These were men that transcended their fat and rose to greatness. Did they deny being fat? No. Did they try to sweep their fat under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there? No. These were men who CELEBRATED their fat, but always to some sort of greater end, and never just for the sake of fat itself.

Chris Farley would put on a tiny, ill-fitting suit, sweat profusely in it and then fling himself through a coffee table. Why? To make America laugh. Late-career Elvis would put on a form-fitting rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit and sing his heart out. Why? Because people loved to hear him sing. The McCrary Twins? Sure they were fat, but more importantly, they rode side-by-side on tiny matching motorcycles to comedic effect.

Making a YouTube video of yourself being fat and smashing potato chips all over your gut? That’s easy. If Farley, Elvis, or either of the McCrary Twins were alive today they could probably do it, too, but WOULD they? No. Wanna know why? Because they all knew something that you clearly haven’t figured out yet: sometimes just being fat isn’t enough. Next time you make a YouTube video, we’ll be expecting you to either hurl yourself through a coffee table, sing a song about Las Vegas, or ride around on a tiny motorcycle.

The world is watching, FatMan27183141. Get on it.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Cracked.com

Awesome Video Of The Day

Dancing Man Wearing A Horse Mask Cooks Wild Mushrooms (Probably NSFW)

This is the greatest video that I have ever seen in my entire life.

Hang on a second. I have to go get a mop - my head just exploded.

Yes - it’s a video of a mostly-naked Japanese man picking and cooking wild mushrooms. Yes - he’s wearing a horse mask and dancing. Why? That I couldn’t tell you. People do all kinds of weird stuff, I guess. When I cook wild mushrooms that I’ve hand-picked from the forests of Japan, I like to hum along to popular radio hits and make little farty noises with my mouth. Does that make ME a freak?! So I like to hum and make little farty noises. Big deal. We’ve all got our quirks - this guy’s just so happens to be that he likes to dance around naked in a horse mask while cooking potentially deadly wild mushrooms. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Okay, I’ll admit it - this video is completely fucking bizarre and makes me more than a little uncomfortable, but you know what? This guy is PUMPED to be cooking those mushrooms. He looks like he’s having the time of his life! Maybe it’s the expression on the horse mask faking me out… or maybe this guy is on to something. Maybe dancing around naked in a horse mask and cooking wild mushrooms is AWESOME.

Only one way to find out, I guess. Anyone got a horse mask I can borrow?

I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m a big fan of Yahoo News Photos. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t get some form of entertainment or edification out of a visit to their pages, whether it’s adorable pictures of an eight-limbed superbaby, or fashion show highlights where you can sort of see somebody’s hoo-hah. But today had such a bumper crop of quality items that I just had to share them with you. Let’s begin!

Mmmm… succulent deadly terrorist scallops. That looks like the most delicious, butter-drenched national tragedy I’ve seen in a long time.

Above, a passenger waits to pass through one of LAX’s new high-tech airport security stations. (Alternate caption: “Claudia Suarez, the new head of the National Transportation Safety Board, has bold ideas about improving airline security. There’s just one problem: she has to get past La Migra first.”) And finally:

I honestly have no idea why nipple this photo would be on the is that the right place for a nipple “most viewed” list—after all, it’s giant weird nipple several years old, that particular nipple pointing right at me couple isn’t married anymore, and it’s not a very nipple is scaring me good picture of Ms. Anderson’s face, what with I will never sleep again those big sunglasses. I’m stumped.

Do you love meat? No, I mean really love meat? Well, if you’re in Tokyo and have some discretionary Yen burning a hole in your pocket, there’s a specialty restaurant which can help you express that love in ways you never dreamed possible:

[Tokyo’s] bestiality restaurant is being regarded by its nouveau riche patronage … as a decadent practice only possible among the wealthy. [One patron] says she visited the restaurant after being invited there by a well-heeled lawyer… Once the customer feels prepared, they will be presented with the beast of their choice. In the lawyer’s case, it was a sow. “I’d been told what to expect, but when I actually saw what was happening, it was as shocking as you’d imagine it to be,” she said. Once the lawyer had finished porking the pig, the couple returned to the first floor and sat at a table to dine… she was totally shocked when staff members carried in roast pork–made of the same sow the lawyer had earlier been with.

I have several competing reactions to this story:

• It’s a logical progression, really, from eating raw fish (which is now a mainstream American favorite) to the Russian roulette-like deadly Fugu (which made it all the way to The Simpsons), to live octopus (which fights back on its way down), to this current horrific perversion. And it’s only fitting, I suppose, that it comes from the nation that brought us such kinky innovations as panty vending-machines, tentacle porn, and the Bataan Death March.

• Despite the shock value, this is really very similar to American theme restaurants such as Medieval Times or Chuck E. Cheese—only instead of playing skeeball with Chuck E. Cheese, you have sex with him, and then eat him.

• I’ll bet that the quality of the experience varies widely depending on which animal you choose to “bond” with. For example, cows and pigs: Probably a pretty safe bet. Fish: Might have to get creative. Lobster: Better hope the rubber bands don’t come off. Sea urchin: Thanks for the nightmares.

• Maybe it’s not that bad. After all, the animals were going to die anyway, and it’s not like the restaurant is doing this with humans.*

*Slip 500,000 yen to Keiko at the front desk and we’ll talk.