You probably think I’m going to make fun of Marche Taylor for wearing a skimpy dress to her prom and getting escorted out in handcuffs, don’t you? Admit it: you think I’m going to go off on a rant about how the kids are out of control these days and the world is going to hell in a handbasket and nobody knows how to make a decent handbasket anymore. That would be a great rant for an older, more conservative blogger¹, but me? Come on. I can actually relate to Ms. Taylor’s plight, because I went through something very similar at my own prom.

The year was 1999. Limp Bizkit and Smashmouth were at the top of the charts, people were legitimately concerned that their computers might kill them on New Year’s Eve, and there I was, standing outside my senior prom in a leather harness and a pair of assless chaps.

Our principal, Dr. Louis Killjoy Sr., was standing in front of the doors with his arms folded across his chest. “You’re not coming in here dressed like that,” Dr. Killjoy said.

“I completely understand,” I replied. “This is a ridiculous outfit for me to be wearing to senior prom. What was I thinking?”

“Well, I’m glad we see eye to eye on this. Put ‘er there,” he said, holding out his hand. I tried to shake it, but my hand kept slipping out. “Are you slathered from head to toe in baby oil?” he asked.

“No,” I lied.

“Thank God,” he said. “If you were, it would be nearly impossible for us to catch you if you tried to run through this security gate into the prom.”

A few minutes of blank staring went by.

“I see,” I lied.

“You know - because you’re too slippery to grab.”

Another minute or two went by, and we both looked at our watches. Mine was too smudged from the baby oil to read, but I pretended I could read it anyway and looked around impatiently, as if to say, “Come on, people - let’s move it along.” A few dozen people stood behind me in line with the same expression on their faces.

“You’re an idiot, Wolinsky,” Dr. Killjoy said. “Go home.”

I took his advice, and the next day I went out for pie with my friends. They all told me the prom had been lovely.

A few weeks later we all went to college and never saw each other again.

Ba-dum ching!

¹ Like an 88-year-old, for example.

Awesome Video Of The Day

I Have A Bad Case Of Diarrhea

I always thought Japanese people were total badasses, what with the Shogun warriors and the Seppuku and all that, but apparently I was all turned around on the subject. It turns out that Japanese people are actually huge sissies who call an ambulance every time they get diarrhea.

Shouldn’t the whole death-before-surrender thing come into play here? If you’re Japanese, doesn’t checking yourself into a hospital for your explosive diarrhea bring shame upon your family or something? Maybe I’m misinterpreting this whole thing. Maybe they’re trying to learn the English for “I have a bad case of diarrhea” because they assume that traveling to an English-speaking country means they’re almost certainly going to have to say it at some point. In that case, though, I’d assume that a Japanese person would pretend they DIDN’T have diarrhea to avoid imposing on anyone. You know - because it’s rude. On the other hand, so is blasting diarrhea all over a bench at a bus stop. I’m pretty sure that’s a rule of thumb no matter what country you’re in.

Then again, what do I know? This video was the first time I’ve ever seen a Japanese person in my entire life.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Who Knew That Canadians Make The Sweetest PSAs EVER?

Usually when I pick out a video to post for my Nooner, I’ll watch it over and over and over again, picking out every possible nuance that could possibly be used to comedic effect. I scour each and every frame for subtle facial expressions, looking for a glimpse beneath the surface, trying to figure out what it MEANS. Then I make a dick joke and go play video games.

Today is different, though, because I refuse to watch this video more than the half dozen times I just did. It’s pretty grim, but it’s also a highly effective PSA: the next time I’m a hot, upwardly-mobile, about-to-be-married Canadian chick carrying an enormous pot of boiling hot water, I’m going to be very careful.

Maybe our Canadian readers can clear something up for me: Are you guys constantly slipping on grease and suffering third-degree burns up there? Is this such a problem in Canada that it actually requires its own PSA? Here in the States we have PSAs for stuff like meth and teen pregnancy and domestic violence and stuff, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one addressing the importance of CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF. Do you guys live in some sort of utopian wonderland where the biggest problem you have to worry about is slipping and falling? Does universal health care make everyone totally reckless or something? What’s going on up there?!

Also: How’s hockey going? No, really. I’m not making a joke here - I actually want to know. Please tell me how hockey’s going.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Shao Lin Xiao Zi (Translation: Little Boy What Punches Yer Face In)

When I was 7 years old I used to do moves like this all the time. The only difference was that I was doing them in a carpeted living room in Skokie, Illinois instead of in front of an epic mountain range at a Shaolin temple in China. Oh - and it looked like absolute garbage. Maybe that’s because I had no formal training whatsoever and a completely sedentary lifestyle.

I’m not a kid anymore, but I’d bet you dollars to dojos that this kid could fight his way from one US coast to the other and annihilate pretty much anyone he encountered. Dude can do the splits and bang his head on the ground and all kinds of crazy crap; do you really think he’s gonna have a problem mowing through a couple hundred thousand pasty, flabby Americans? We’ll be all “Awww, look at him meditating in his little pajamas.” Then his eyes will open and he’ll be all “AIEEEEE!” and that will be the last thing you ever see. We need to keep this kid off of American soil. Seriously.

And you wonder why China is the next global superpower. Even their CHILDREN can murder you.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Kent “Toast” French: The World’s Fastest Clapper

They say everyone is good at SOMETHING, but how did this guy figure out that his special skill was clapping really fast? Was he just clapping all the time when he was younger and eventually some of his friends noticed and were like, “That is some FAST clapping, bro!” I don’t know about you, but if my friend was always sitting there doing his fast clapping routine, I don’t think I’d be friends with that dude for very long.

I guess it’s easy to make fun of this guy for spending so much time trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records, but you know what’s even sadder? Being a WANNABE World’s Fastest Clapper. Besides: Have YOU ever met Richard Simmons? I didn’t think so.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Ken Create: The Greatest Sports Hat-Juggling Magician Mime Dancer Of All Time

When I was in college, Ken Create¹ and I performed together as a duo: I would juggle the sports hats while he would dance around me in full mime gear (we took turns with the magic tricks). It was a big hit on the local circuit for a while, but I started to feel restricted by our rigid, over-rehearsed act. I tried to spice things up by juggling different kinds of things (blank CDs, hamburgers, dead birds, etc.), but Ken got really pissed off and told me to stick to the routine. I even ordered some books on Amazon.com about jazz tap and Kabuki theater and had them shipped to his house, but he took it as a back-handed insult and refused to speak to me for weeks. Soon the gigs started drying up, and eventually we went our separate ways.

I don’t harbor any ill will toward Ken. How could I? He was kind of like a mentor to me. I’ve moved on with my life, but I’m glad to see that Ken’s still doing his thing. Know why? Because Ken Create is probably the greatest sports hat-juggling magician mime dancer of all time.

¹ Lest you think this is all some sick joke, here’s his press kit (complete with detailed listings of every nursing home he’s ever performed at).

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So Target has released a new clothing line for young men inspired by David Bowie. Why? Because Wal-Mart was so successful selling Rod Stewart-influenced kitchen utensils, I guess. Actually, I’m not sure. Most young men today think of David Bowie merely as the dude whose name Avril Lavigne couldn’t pronounce.

Nevertheless, as an ardent Bowie fan, I thought I’d take a look to see how Target did:

This first ensemble is clearly inspired by Bowie’s mid 70’s fixation with German fascism. I think that’s a great place to start. I mean, all the kids want to dress like war criminals today, and now Target has made it affordable. Congratulations Target. You nailed The Thin White Duke:

Okay. On to number two. The same black pants, but now featuring a gray velour V-necked shirt. That’s tricky. Yes, the look is vaguely gay, but I was hoping to define the Bowie period a little more specifically. I’m going to have to go with 1972? But c’mon Target. If you want to sell this as Bowie, you really can’t skimp on the Bedazzler. And would it kill you to incorporate some red pleather boots?

Now, this last one had me stumped:

As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t remember a period in David Bowie’s career that fit this look: folkie, glam rock, plastic soul, electronic minimalism, pure pop? When exactly did David Bowie look like a high school mall rat? Oh right! I forgot about Bowie’s brief stint as a GAP commercial model:

Well, done Target. Well done.

If you’re one of the biggest douchebags in the entire world, you’ve probably thought to yourself at some point, “I love t-shirts with words on them, but where can I find one to express my vehemently pro-rape sentiments in a humorous way?” Wonder no more, my friend; there’s this new thing called the internet, and you can buy all kinds of stuff on it. Even t-shirts that cater directly to you and your penny-draft swillin’, beer-pong playin’, fag-beatin’ retard friends!

There’s no shortage of funny pro-rape t-shirts out there on the web. In fact, there’s too many! How can you tell which pro-rape t-shirt is the right one for you? With this handy Friday fashion guide courtesy of CRACKED.com, that’s how.

Slogan: Does This Shirt Make Me Look Like A Rapist?

Message To The World: I am insecure in my appearance and need to seek approval from the outside world. I also might be a rapist.

What It Says About You: You are new to the rape scene. While you want to let people know that you’re ready to get into the game, you’re still not sure-footed enough to really effectively do so. Maybe it’s best to stay on the sidelines for a little while - is there a Big Ten university nearby? If so, bring a notebook to any bar near campus and watch closely. Don’t wear this shirt, though - try something with vertical stripes for now.

Douche Factor (1-5): 2

Slogan: Anti-Abortion But Pro-Rape

Message To The World: I think that life begins at conception, and that each of those precious gifts from God is sacred and has the right to live. I also think that rape should be legal - that way I can rape lots of women and not go to jail.

What It Says About You: You are a complex individual. While your pro-life sentiments make you a great fit for abortion clinic protests and GOP rallies, your views on Rapist Rights will make it difficult for you to make friends there, let alone find women to rape. Have you ever heard of Meetup.com? They’ve probably got something for you.

Douche Factor (1-5): 3

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